Dealing with specific behaviors

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Shari, May 9, 2008.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I had to take difficult child with me last night to get our team shod. Our farrier is Amish, but his son and difficult child are the same age and they play together. Its close to being a friendship as much as a business relationship.

    difficult child wanted a piece of gum. There was not enough for all of the kids, so I said no. He bothered me about the gum for 2 hours. Is there anything more you can do in that situation to get them "unstuck"? (and is that an ADHD thing?)

    He later got stuck on the farrier's tools. Thankfully Eli was about done because I was at my wit's end trying to keep his hands off the tools and horseshoes and nails...but same thing. No redirection was working.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I tell Miss KT to stop nagging me, and the volume goes up slightly each time I have to repeat it. I have reached maximum level in the middle of Target several times. By now, she knows that if she keeps it up, I'll be screaming for her to stop nagging and everyone will be staring at us. She cares about people staring at her...I don't. If it bothered me to have people staring and murmering, this wouldn't work.
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Shari, That behaviour sounds pretty Aspie/autistic.

    As for what to do about it, that's a toughie.
    Does your little difficult child respond well to lots of detail? Or would that just rile him up?

    I've found with difficult child that telling him "No" just results in incessant pestering. But telling him. "No. I don't have enough to go around. If you ask me again I will <<insert consequence here>>" seems to settle it down.

    One thing that has worked well before is preparing difficult child ahead of time.
    "We are going in the store to buy a shower curtain and a bottle of bleach. We are NOT there to do anything else. We will not be going to the toy department, and we don't have the money to buy you new clothes. Do not ask for anything, stay beside the cart at all times, and do not talk."
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    If we're in a store, we just leave.
    difficult child immediately stops.
    But on a farm, in the middle of a task, that's a toughie.
    Wish I could help more.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    That is a toughie. I will say it seems more aspie/autistic or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) than ADHD. Far more.

    Would it have been possible to give him a horseshoe to play with? I really don't know the etiquette there. I wish I could offer more help.


  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    BiPolar (BP) kids can perseverate and get stuck as well, sometimes it is Anxiety setting it. Or it is mania kicking in... they can be elevating and get stuck.
    Here is a pretty good article from The Bipolar Child that talks about executive function and other possibilities. Whatever the cause I thought the article was good, for kids that get "stuck"
    I try to always have something for K to hold, like a squishy toy or something small to put in her hand, "hand works"...
    I have had to do things like have her go and "find" me something... like a blue bridle, or purple lead... things like that to distract her.
    "Finding" things works pretty good for us, right know, I tell her she is a detective...
    Tonight I had to convince her that her allergies were not indeed blocking off her brain functions and causing her to lose brain cells, thus making her dumb!!!
    She fell asleep not believing husband or I...
  7. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Shari, I'm going to move this over to General.
  8. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Perseverating or getting "stuck" is often related to anxiety. But anxiety can stand on its own, or it can be part of other disorders like Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or BiPolar (BP).

    Redirection or removal from the situation seems to be the best way to handle these episodes. Sometimes a parental sense of humor or a whimsical response will distract from the "stuck" thinking. An angry response often fuels the perseveration.
  9. BestICan

    BestICan This community rocks.

    A while ago someone posted the "ask me again" advice. I think this was primarily a technique to use with typical teens, but I've had some success adapting it for my difficult child. If he screams for something, I say to him, "Why don't you scream as loud as you can, and see if I give it to you then?" Or if he's asking nonstop I'll say, "How about you ask me seven more times and see if you get it?"

    I don't say it rudely, I don't make it sound like a challenge. I just say it with a shrug and a tone of "You and I both know the outcome, so why bother." This approach has worked for my difficult child. He generally stops.

    One reason this works is because I'm very consistent. If I say no I really try to keep it at "no," regardless of his tactics. Another reason this works is that, while he's pretty immature, he's fairly typical in this particular area of his behavior. I wonder if this would backfire for a kid with Aspie traits.
  10. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Would it help to assure him that you wil give him a piece in the car but there is not enough to share so it would be rude to give him a piece now? Sometimes it helps just knowing that he will get.

    In a similar situation, I have said something like, "It really bothers you having to wait until after lunch for the candy bar, and I see you can't stop thinking about it so I am going to throw it away and then you won't have to think about it anymore." Suddenly my difficult child becomes more patient.
  11. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Here's a couple of things that work for me when this happens (and it has happened A LOT):

    1. Assigning a specific consequence to a specific behavior ahead of time and consistent follow-through for the behavior. Also assign a specific reward for meeting expectations, and giving it in a reasonably prompt timeframe.

    "We're going to go to X. When we are there, I expect you to do 0X and NOT do Y. If you do X, you will get prize A. If you do Y, you will get consequence Z. I will help remind you of what is expected."

    2. Front-loading the difficult child so they know what is expected in the situation they are about to enter. This involves remind them of the consequence for not behaving as expected, and the reward for compliance.

    3. Verbally reminding again and again during the situation of the expected behavior. When difficult child is getting stuck, I ask "Are you getting stuck again?" Sometimes that is enough for him to shift gears himself.

    And sometimes, none of this works, but I've found that it's still important to follow through with what you've previously stated because eventually the consistency does sink in.

    I also want to say there were lots of great suggestions listed above here, too. Sometimes we just have to keep trying different things until we find what works.