Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Rina, Apr 27, 2015.

  1. Rina

    Rina Member

    I was very upbeat the first few days after my son got to the treatment center. Since then, he's been doing everything he can to get kicked out (the staff there is having none of it), but what gets to me is that I learn more and more about what he's been up to.

    My son mugged people, sold drugs to other people, broke into shops and houses, and helped traffic drugs. He's also experienced at least one overdose. I seriously feel like I don't know him, have never known him. This person has nothing to do with my son. I also feel like I don't really want much to do with him right now.

    I'm afraid that the only thing I can do for him is keep him at a place where he can't get drugs until he's 18. I don't know if he can make it out of it. I don't know if I have the energy or ability to deal with someone who is capable of doing all these terrible things. To be honest, I'm afraid of him.

    Am I a terrible mother for wanting to divorce my son? I feel like the distance between us can't be bridged, and I don't even know if I want it to. Isn't this what he was always worried about, us rejecting him? I feel like the worst mother on earth.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Remember that the person you are dealing with right now is not your son... he is an addict, and you are dealing with the addict, not the "real" person. You have to do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe from the addict. If and when your son wants real help and starts to get real help, you will likely find what it takes to help the real person.
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Rina, take it one day at a time. Let the professionals do what they do. Get every single bit of help that is available---for him and for yourself.

    addiction is cunning and baffling. It is a disease that tells you you don't have a disease. I believe it is pure evil...not the person who has it but the disease itself. It is a 40-foot-tall monster that mows down everything and everybody in its path. We see no match for it and we can only watch as it takes over people we love.

    Your son can come back from this. You can come back from this.

    It took a long time for him to get where he is and it will take a long time to come back from it.

    The only way to bear this is to take care of yourself like you likely have never done before.

    Start making today about YOU. Relax and breathe into the fact that today, he is where he needs to be. We are here for you.
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I was exactly where you are. Be very thankful that the rehab gets it - they get he is trying to get kicked out and they won't have it. My daughter's rehab is the same way - that is when you know they are in a good one!! Do they have family counseling sessions at his rehab?
  5. JackBeNimble

    JackBeNimble New Member

    Do yourself a favor and don't believe for one minute that you are to blame for your children's actions. You don't have to forgive them for their bad deeds and take them back. I'm 66 years old and made the mistake of forgiving my children over and over again because I was their father. I now have reached the end of my rope and will no longer put up with them. I should have done it decades ago but I always hoped things would change but things just went from bad to worse. Don't make the same mistake as I did as people don't usually change for the better.
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    ALL of our drug/alcohol addicted kids have done some or all of these things, whether we know it or not.

    Whether we want to believe it or not.

    This is the life of an addict. This Is the life they chose, at some point.

    But there is life after addiction, too, if they choose it.

    You are doing all you can do for your son right now. There is peace in knowing that.
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  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    ^^ She is 1000% correct!! I am still finding out things my daughter has done. Things she has wept and repented over...I don't think I will ever know everything and I don't need to. But I understand the shock and pain of knowing. It is certainly not the way we raised them. Addiction takes over and we lose who our children really are. But thankfully, with life, there is hope that the real person will come out again one day.
  8. Rina

    Rina Member

    Thank you all. It hurts like hell.
    We will go there for a parents workshop next week or the week after that. I'm dreading it. I think this whole situation was easier to handle when I was not so aware of all the finer details. To be honest, I have no idea what addicts live like, or just how far their addiction can push them. In my worst nightmares, I haven't imagined all this.
    And son still doesn't even recognize the fact that he has a major problem to deal with. I can't force him to come to that realization, and without him understanding the situation he's in, he will not be open to receiving any help.
    Sigh... I wish I could just stop thinking about it. I try passing the time by doing "fun" things, but I can't really concentrate on anything. I wish I could just push all those thoughts away, at least for a while.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Consider getting your own therapist. They are good at helping us stop "circular thinking" and other energy sapping thought processes. You don't need to allow your son's problems to drag you down with him. Your youngest needs a healthy mom.
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh Rina, I know first hand how much it hurts and how devestating it is. I know I dont know all the things my son has done and has been through.... and I have come to the conclusion I dont really want to know. Trying to keep him in a place where he cant use until he is 18 is a big thing to do and will help him even if he hates you for it. I have come to the conclusion that all the programs we have had my son in at least it gave him some drug free brain development. And yes he hated us for it for awhile but I dont think he does anymore. We are rebuilding our relationship and now that he is a bit older (23) I am stepping back a lot more. He is not completely sober which worries me but he is working and recently emailed me about his I think he is starting to be concerned for himself.... at least that is my hope. I think it is really really important to remember that a lot of the stuff he says is manipulation and do not take it personally. He may mean what he says for the moment but that is not necessarily a long term thing.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Rina you are not a terrible mother. There was a time I wanted nothing to do with my daughter. I had to have some separation from her and all the awful things she was doing to heal myself before I could begin to want to even think about having any kind of relationship with her. The fact that you are learning these things now means he is communicating about them in treatment. Every parents I know who has gone through this says the same thing, that they learned so many things that their addict had done that made them sick. What is coming out in therapy now is raw, he will start facing it in the weeks/months to come and through his program he will learn it is not normal and that he needs help and you are not the bad guys in this.

    I can't say whether he is going to accept this treatment or not, that is up to him. But he is where he needs to be at the moment and this is your time to take one day at a time and recharge your batteries. We went to our parent education weekends also, they were very emotionally draining but a lot of good came out of them. The elephant in the room was identified and there was no more covering it up. The longer he is away the more relaxed you will become and you will find yourself thinking about other things.

    Let us know how the parent workshop goes. Don;t expect too much at this point, he is still angry you sent him there. It takes a while for that anger to dissipate and for them to take responsibility for their choices.
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Rina. I have said this before but the hardest part for me was the constant feeling of being on a roller coaster. I used to get so excited at each new treatment program or job and then fall into despair when my daughter relapsed or got fired or both. It wasn't until I got into therapy that my therapist helped me get off the roller coaster by detaching from my daughter's actions and viewing them from afar rather than riding the roller coaster along with her.

    However, you are just at the start of this journey and it will take time until you can get to that point. Your feelings are very natural and to be expected. Your son is also very young and hopefully can still be reached.

    However, you are not the one that can do that. He won't listen to anything that you have to say. Let the professionals do their jobs and try to step back as much as you can. I know it seems hard to believe now but it does get easier with time.


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  13. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Regarding dreading the family meetings - I was given this saying by a bartender in the smoky mountains and I love it because it is soooo true - you need to get through the s*ck to the worth it.

    I dreaded it too but I love them - I look forward to them every other Saturday! It is so helpful to purge, forgive and truly move forward. The family is just add much a part of recovery as the addict. It truly is a family disease. We are all healing together and becoming a stronger family than we ever have been.

    It is worth it in the long haul...
  14. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Rina, hearing the awful lives they are leading/have led is mind-boggling. I remember getting actually physically dizzy when I would hear details. I used to search his room and his car and his backpack so I would KNOW. I thought knowing was the most important thing. I didn't realize that I already knew all I needed to know.

    But, I agree with another poster here who said that he's obviously opening up in rehab and telling the truth. Recovery is a program of honesty. Without honesty, opening up to the light the truth, there can be no real recovery.

    And the parents' weekends are really great. The first one I went to, I was a nervous wreck. But I got so much good information about myself, and there were very encouraging things about him I learned there too.

    Go with an open mind, Rina. We are here for you, circling the wagons as you go through this hard time. Warm hugs today.
  15. Rina

    Rina Member

    Thank you all. I agree that him being truthful with his therapist is good, but he really doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong in those situations that he brings up and that worries me. His therapist told me that right now he's very angry about being sent there and it would take a while for him to calm down.

    I've started seeing a therapist recently, but I guess I'm not there yet. Again, thank you all for being here.
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Rina I am reminded that we were told that their drug use has masked all of their emotions and they minimize everything. It isn't until further down the road when their head has been clear for a longer period of time that they start to feel emotions again and that is why it is so important that they are in a protective environment. And even then they have to sort out what those emotions are. The longer he stays there the more chance he has to learn those lessons. Don;t expect a big revelation so soon. I use to call my daughter's therapist up and ask her why she doesn't show any improvement. I think it wasn't until the 6th week that I saw her taking any responsibility at all.