difficult child back in prison

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rejectedmom, May 7, 2009.

  1. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    He's been telling us he was doing well when in reality he was not. So I was blindsided when I called his caseworker after he had left a message that he had screwed up and his housing was on the line. She said that he was not working the program to their satisfaction and was behind on his rent and restitution payments and not participating in his group therapy. He was going just not participating. She said that with his anger issues and his lack of motivation after six months they had enough. They can use his place for someone more willing to change. So they kicked him out and since he didn't have an "approved home" to go and his Mental health treatment is part of his probation he is back in prison. I called his PO and she said that she is thinking of asking the judge to just max him out because this is the third placement and the only other option is a recovery house. She said that is not a good fit for him because while it is very structured, he would have to find full time work and she doesn't think he is capable of that. She feels that she would just be setting him up for another failure so she is thinking that she will ask the judge to just max him out. Then when he is done there is no probation or parole. So with good time he is looking at just over a year in county.

    Also I had asked to pick up his things at the group home and the caseworker tried to put me off for a week. I got insistant while explaining that he has had things stolen every time this happens. Well she got huffy insisting that that wouldn't couldn't happen there. I said that never the less I wanted his things either today or tomorrow. She then accused me of yelling at her (which I didn't but I think she wanted the people in the room with her to think I did) said the conversation was over and hung up.

    Personally I think she was mad at me because I told her that she should have called me when difficult child started to fail and we had no idea he was not doing well. I said that perhaps if we had known, we could have helped him stay on track.

    I told the PO about this part of the conversation and her accusing me of yelling also.

    This just stinks and not what I was planning for mother's day but at least I know that difficult child might be out of the system in about a year. His is a case where probation and parole do not work because he cannot maintain all that is required and each time they violate him he gets more time. A vicious cycle. Oh well I will have a year to figure out something in the way of housing for him.

    Last edited: May 7, 2009
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    RM, you are right. This totally stinks. I hate surprises and used to always tell anyone who was working with Rob to give me some notice so I wouldn't be blindsided. I'm so sorry. sigh.

  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    RM, I'm so sorry. I know you were hoping he would make it this time, although without the proper community and mh support it didn't seem likely. Hopefully, by the time they let him out, something can be in place.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh RM...I am so terribly sorry. I just wish there was more in this country available for people with mental illnesses. The system just hoovers. We really need these stories to be heard.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    The whole situation is just so sad. A limitation of programs that aren't anything that will help. What good can maxing him out possibly do other than to get him off of her books with no further obligation to try to help him?

    It's awful that he didn't ask for your help earlier. M is still totally messed up, but he does ask for help. It's always too late when he asks for help, but I hope that some day he will ask. L is far too strong willed to ask ever. But then again, she generally has suffered the consequences of her choices, too. She does tend to hold sort of a grudge against me for not helping, but how do you help when they don't ask? I don't know if it's the right answer, but for now, I just wait. Jumping in only makes it worse.

    I'm sorry for your pain. It's really awful.
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Suz, I should be used to this by now but every time it happens the people who send him back go on and on about how they are justified in their actions and seem to totally miss the point that he is mentally ill and the behaviors they are taking issue with are due to his illness. Then when I point it out they get huffy and defensive. Each time I come away I feel like I have been misunderstood and brutilized. So if I feel this way I have to ask how does difficult child feel? I mean I know that it is his consequences for his "poor choices" but when he hasn't been able to project or process consequences his entire life and it is well documented and the "pros" in the mental health system still expect him to... well I can see him feeling like he is being treated unfairly. I'm not stinking thinking here, I just sort of feel like I understand his thought process. so each time they loose credibility in his eyes. When he was an adolesent he once broke down and cried because he told me he just didn't "know how to be good". He really tries but people just don't see that and because he is so good at bluffing is very handsome and appears normal they always think he is capable of way more than he is.

    EW, When he gets out it will all be on me. There will be no system just me again. It does seem like that is what they have always wanted. It will take me the year to figure out a plan of action. difficult child cannot function without support and now he will not want any system benefits. All he will want is to be free of all of this. Maybe he will continue AA. He was going daily and he was sober. Case worker seemd to resent that he went to that and didn't participate in group. He commited no crimes, just not able to budget his money and did some impulsive spending. He had a couple of temper tantrums where he mouthed off to the staff but didn't get physical or break anything. All the behaviors are consistent with his MH history.

    Janet I agree that the stories need to be heard but no one listens. I am too tired trying to help him manage his own life to be beating down doors trying to get legislation that will treat mental health patients with more compassion and appropriate means. We need a celebrity personality to advocate for them.

    Witz, I hear you and I am sure they are wanting him off their books but they are also thinking that with probation he will never get out of the system. I agree with that. Maxing him out is the only way he will be able to start over fresh.

    The system took me out of the mix entirely. They repeatly tried to get me to take him back home and when I refused they let him sit in jail for months thinking that I would relent and take him back. He was out of control and I'm alone most of the time, so I refused. So they put him in programs that didn't want or ask for my imput. That was wrong. They all thought they knew what he needed and could do better than the woman who raised him up and kept him safe for 18 years. It is pure arrogance on their part. Unfortunately many in the mental health care field are difficult child's themselves. I mean here they were telling a mother they sent her mentally ill son back to prison because he didn't work the program. Yet they never told me that he was failing and made me listen to all the reasons why they are in the right and how I haven't a clue about what he is capable of achieving. They on the other hand do after only 6 months. It is pure bunk and I believe the caseworker was defensive because on some level she knew it. And then the act about me yelling, what was that? in my opinion it was just a person with a guilty conscience trying to appear in a better light to her collegues. And to top it off she tried to tell me that she didn't have his MH history when I personally brought it over to them the first week he was there. She's lying to cover her behind and when I called her on it she got nasty. I hope she looses alot of sleep over this I really do. Any witches out there that can cast a warty spell on her? ;)-RM
    Last edited: May 8, 2009
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful



    That really hoovers.
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry.
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you Lisa and Ktmom.

    He called today and is very depressed. He was not happy to hear that his PO is just going to let him max out. Honestly I don['t know what to think anymore but I do know that the judicial system isnt working for us so I do want him to be out of it. It was worth a try to get his care a condition of his parole but for him it is just making it a horrendous cycle in and out of prison. So I have a year to think about what is next. Maybe I should write OPRAH. (only half kidding)

    I told difficult child that his caseworker was not nice to me and that she must be very angry with him and he said "yeah" So my suspisions of her acting in vengence are somewhat supported. Why do people go into the mental health field if they cannot deal with mentally ill people? sigh -RM
  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I feel for you. Sometimes I dont know if my son is mentally ill or not. I dont even know how to help anymore. I wish he would be placed somewhere. I hope the best for you.
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I hear you Stands. They make it so very hard on us moms and dads. -RM
  12. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    RM - How are you doing today? Hang in there.
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thanks for asking Stands, I'm Ok I had a rough night though. I ended up doing my meditations at 5am since sleep was futile and then I felt much better and did get another hour in.

    husband went to see difficult child this morning and we got some of our questions answered. After the visit husband and I went to see our little 6 month old grandson. It is good to have someone so sweet and innocent to focus on at times like these. This evening we are going to dinner with easy child 1 and her family and easy child 2 decided to join us. It and it should be fun. I have truly learned that life goes on. I am no longer feeling traumatized . I don't think I would have at all if Caseworker had not been nasty and defensive and if I had some indication that this was comming. It is so much harder to take when you are of the impression that everything is good only to find out that reality is so very different.

    I hope you are doing well also. Do something nice for yourself this weekend! -RM
  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    thanks RM! I am glad you are doing something fun. I have learned to do that too. I will go see a movie with my easy child son tomorrow. My daughter is out of town. I am feeding their dogs and she left me a mothers day present at her house. I cried my eyes out! Anyway, my hubby will be back tomorrow. I have seen difficult child today - I took himi and the guy he does yards with to their appointment because the guys wifes car is broken down. Havent heard from them since. I guess they got a ride back. Whatever. Life goes on. Have a happy mothers day.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    If you want to do something - since they (caseworker) has already decided what they are going to do - send her a registered letter and ask for copies of his entire ENTIRE case file -

    She didnt' call you when he failed - but by law she would have HAD to have issued a written report. THAT should be available day by day basis to you or your son if he gives you permission -

    Read through it - see what transpired before he lost it - or stopped helping himself. Make notes - and take that file in part and ask to speak to a judge on his behalf....it will also help him get SSI disability to offset the cost of housing.

    Most Salvation Army places have a local chapter of housing and counseling and job help that you can ask about - you have a year -keep asking questions - and get her to send that file - Id' send my letter return signature specific required, and I'd send a copy of that letter to her boss.

    Hugs -
  16. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Star, he's 21. Would he need to sign something okaying the release of this information?

  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am sure he wil have to sign something I am thinking about trying to get a lawyer in to him to have a power of attorney for both medical and financial and am hoping that might make it possible to have some control over his medications while in prison also. We'll see. -RM
  18. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    RM, this is the way we heard from programs when they called to tell us to pick him up. No forwarning, no tolerance. If difficult child could work within the program he wouldn't have been in their program.
    My heart sinks when they call and they always do. The one's that didn't communicate were the most defensive. I hated it.

    I'm sorry for your disappointment and difficult child's struggle.
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Fran. Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding. I wish I had a huge sum of money so I could start a farm for boys like ours. So much pain so little help. RM
  20. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Ditto to what Fran and Suz said.
    I'm sorry for all the anguish you've experienced. I too hate surprises (unless of course it is a surprise birthday party with my friends and many gifts). I gather you've been trying to get him help and the system wasn't particularly cooperative. Hopefully, difficult child understands that continued inappropriate behaviors leads to more time in the "system" and more possibilities for abuses. It's not right or fair....but it seems these problems just pile on and it would be a good thing to learn from the mistake. You can't really take it all on RM. I would document things that are important, point out that life isn't fair and that one of the best ways to crawl out of this mess is to stop the bad behaviors that got him into it int he first place. Try not to get excessively wrapped up into it all. Don't help to the point that it hurts your life or the life of your family. Pick your battles. Continue to explore things that interest you...have an aresnal of redirecting "items" at your disposal.