I have gathered strength and support from all of you but have not posted about my own situation before. My 21 year old, adopted at birth difficult child daughter got married to her boyfriend this past weekend. We were not invited to attend this event at the court house even though we pay for college, send lovingly put together care packages, visit when we can, and strive every way we know how to keep a connection. This is just the latest in a long line of her actions to show us she does not consider us "family." In her senior year of high school she ran away and told her older scary boyfriend that she was from another country and that we treated her cruelly. She said her Dad had a shotgun and threatened to kill anyone she went out with. My husband and I are professional, rather conservative people - her outrageous lies left us reeling. At the time we were allowing her to drive our new car, gave her a prepaid credit card for her expenses, and thought she was spending her nights at church choir practice, SAT prep classes, and with a college coach. She lied about everything. When we confronted her she left again, refusing to communicate. The loser boyfriend lived with his grandmother and she heard them mocking my tearful voice messages begging her to come back or at least contact me. The grandmother called me and heard the true story, kicked my daughter out, and she returned home in a towering rage. When we refused to "negotiate terms" with her and the boyfriend (she negotiates like a terrorist) she lit fires in our home while we were upstairs. She left in handcuffs and was placed in a psychiatric hospital for four days and received a diagnosis of borderline PD and given some mood stabilizers. When she returned she became pregnant, had an abortion, was dumped cruelly by her boyfriend, and treated me like the scum on the bottom of her shoe. Before this nightmare meltdown she had applied to colleges and actually got into one. She enrolled that fall and surprisingly said she loved me when we dropped her off (first time in years and the last time I ever heard it) - right before she put on her new fake fangs and got in the registration line. There she met her current husband, a tormented soul with a genuinely troubled past, not an invented one like hers. She also told him her birth family is from another country (different from the previous version) and that she is very proud of her heritage. Which would be nice except it isn't true. This is the cleaned up, thumbnail sketch. There are other stories, car crashes, and general mayhem. The reason why I'm writing is that I'm hurting, grieving, angry, and yes, embarrassed and ashamed to tell friends and family that my daughter got married but didn't want us there. They don't understand. My husband's family and the neighbors who had a front row seat to her shocking behavior criticize me heavily for being a bad mom. I wasn't perfect (were they?) but there was no abuse that I'm aware of and she was loved dearly every single day of her life. Even after pondering it for years I still don't understand how this happened. We have a relatively happy marriage, and we continue to make sacrifices so our daughters can have what they need. She was bullied in junior high and high school and we only knew the tip of the iceberg. We got a counselor for her for which we paid out of pocket every week for two years and he never gave us a diagnosis and would not speak to us after she turned 18 yrs. I have read the wise, sorrowing, supportive words from other mothers on this site. I am working on radical acceptance...and loving her in a way that keeps me, husband, and my other daughter emotionally safe.