Do they just want to destroy their mamma?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Mar 20, 2015.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I'm starting to believe that is exactly the case!!!

    Yesterday husband had a talk with oldest difficult child on the phone. As many of you know I had a psychotic episode/breakdown while my oldest difficult child was in prison 8 yrs ago.
    Well...apparently oldest difficult child and his wife believe that the reason I had that psychotic breakdown is because I don't believe in God. I am so upset! I am ashamed of oldest difficult child right now. I can't believe he and his wife are judging my relationship with God and therefore that is the reason I am not allowed to be a part of their family's life.

    I also found out from husband yesterday...that oldest difficult child has been using Hydrocodone for the past year and while he recently got off of his probation sentence for the Meth/Thievery charge...within 2 days he got a DWI.

    Oldest difficult child's wife comes from a very "charasmatic" church group and they apparently do not believe in mental illness but rather spiritual sickness. I can't even begin to understand how my own first born, the one I breastfed, etc, etc, etc, etc, I can't believe that he is going to disown his mamma!

    And then we have young difficult child....He has been asked to leave the shelter he was in (according to him) because he "makes too much money" and they need a bed for someone less fortunate. He texted me from a nearby motel last night around 8 pm but I was already in bed. He wanted me to bring him some food...said he was saving his money for a place to live. ALL of his money has gone towards drugs/alcohol for yrs now...not thinking twice about survival...not his children's nor his own.

    Anyway...I am just sick beyond sick at both of my sons. I can't even begin to tell you how much it hurts me that my oldest is judging me!
    I will never forget holding his face in my hands in the interrogation room of the police station. Tears streaming down his face and me telling him with equal tears that everything would be alright. This was the day I drove him to the police station to turn himself in for the theft charge. Right after I held him...they handcuffed him and took him away. I was there for him the whole time he was in prison...even when husband would have nothing to do with him. I wrote heartfelt letters, visited him, put money on his books... cried in agony from the depths of my soul for my first born being imprisoned. It just killed me to my core. Panic attacks followed...Yes, I was even in AA/Al Anon at the time...but in desperate pain. This was my golden child. Perfect in so many ways.
    How can he be so cold and unfeeling toward me today?

    Feeling beaten down. Do they just want me to lose my very life over them?
    I don't understand this.
    Has anyone else ever been judged by their difficult child's and cut out of their lives like this?
    ps...I am no saint. I do smoke cigarettes and go to the casino. I wish I was perfect...but even then, would it be enough?
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    :hugs: My Difficult Child mine passes judgment on me every time I choose not to jump through hoops for him.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    Mental illness is SO misunderstood. And it isn't just by those who are religious. They might blame it on "spiritual sickness", while others believe it's just "lack of will-power" or "malingering". You can blame anything you want - it doesn't change reality.

    I believe the creator also created mental illness (along with all the other issues and challenges human beings have). We don't know exactly why.
  4. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Pasajes and InsaneCdn, thank you both for the hugs.

    With oldest difficult child it's not that he wants me to "jump through hoops for him"...sigh, he just doesn't want anything to do with me at all. In fact...In another day and time, he would probably be among the first to stone me to death.

    I have heard it all. One friend told me that my "son's allowed evil in our home and that I was the weakest link and attacked."
    My hairdresser believes that I am paying for a "past life sin".

    I don't know of anything other than poor genetics that lead to my having Bipolar Disorder and eventually a mania-induced psychotic breakdown. Interestingly psychotic breakdown WAS all about God and the Devil fighting for my soul. My psychiatrist told me this is commen.

    I just wish both of my son's had a relationship with God on a healthy level. Oldest difficult child apparently believes he and wife are judge and jury...says I am "in the flesh". Young difficult child does not believe at all.

    Both of my son's are addicts/alcoholics. I had so wanted to believe that my oldest son was doing well...despite his religious beliefs. I now know that he is still struggling.

    On a sweet note...husband brought me home some beautiful white roses last night. He must have known my heart would be hurting and could use some kindness...some love.

    Thank you both for reaching out to me.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is difficult. I have a son who is very religious too and I think he is over-the-top. I haven't seen him for over eight years. I don't think it's only because we share different religions, but that is a big difference between us. I don't even know how we'd get along now as he freaks out if somebody swears around his kids, and, sorry, I do swear sometimes and am not going to walk on eggshells around him. I don't think it would matter and I'm not going to stress over it. I know I'm a good person and I no longer care what he thinks. I have other loving kids and people in my life.

    Your son is a hypocrite. He is doing drugs while professing to be Christ's child.

    I feel badly for you, but you can't control him.
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    MWM...Thank you for the understanding...though I am sorry you share in it. Yes, he is a hypocrite and his "ideas" about Love are pretty corrupt too in my opinion. I just...I can't hardly believe this is my first born beautiful baby all grown up! It wasn't supposed to be this way.
    I shudder to think of what this "perfect life" he is trying to show his own daughters will do to him when it backfires just like it did for husband and I.
    Oh...and get this...his wife had 20K dollars worth of plastic surgery last year! husband said, "And that isn't living in the flesh???" lol

  7. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    Sounds like it's still the addiction talking. They can be so mean, so awful to those who love them the most. Doesn't sound like he's ready to face his own demons so he's projecting them on you. It sucks and it's heartbreaking but it's his very bad decision to give up on his relationship with you. And it's his loss.

    I'm very sorry for your hurting heart. Take care you of yourself.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    LMS, I wonder sometimes how Goneboy is going to feel the first time one of his son's rebels. It is legendary that children from very restrictive homes tend to lash out and say, "Not me, sorry!" Will he walk out on his sons too? The chances of his sons believing that divorce is a mortal sin, that living with somebody outside of marriage is a ticket to hell, that watching the wrong TV shows is the demons at work, or that his only real family is those who belong to his particular sect of Christianity (which excludes most Christians) are probably not very good. Then what will he do? They are 6 and 1 now.

    in my opinion he is more likely to have a Difficult Child then people who are more flexible. Oh, yes. He also believes in Corporal Punishment as he believes Jesus tells you to whip your kids. Now he is basically a kind man who was forced out of his country of birth at age six and has floundered for an identity. His wife is a real biotch, but she loves her sons. I believe this. I don't believe they have taken a switch to their sons. Spank them though? Yeah, I do think so. Restrict what they can do and see? Absolutely. But they are going to an academically elite school (well six year old is) where he will come in contact with Worldly people and will see that his family is not the norm.

    Do I wish a Difficult Child on him? On a bad day, yeah, I'd like him to see wh at it's like. On a normal day, no. I don't wish him anything bad. He had such a screwed up start, being adopted out of his country at age six, I don't wish him a sad ending and I know he is happy now.

    In no way is this young man using drugs, drinking, smoking ciggies and he swears he and his wife were virgins at marriage. If you knew them, you'd be inclined to believe it. She never stayed over at his place once when they were dating and they are just so steeped in their church that they truly feel every word is God's command. So he isn't doing anything wrong, except rejecting those who loved him so much. Yes, that's a big deal, but I don't believe he knows how to love in a normal way. I do know he works so much his wife, whom he truly does adore, rarely sees him. He has his own company and is a millionaire plus some as he used his tremendous brain to show the world that he is not just an orphan from Hong Kong...he matters. Bless him for that.

    I just wish he would have forgiveness in his heart and he does not. I don't even know for sure what I did. Like your son, mine started acting funny after he met his controlling, sharp-eyed wife who wants him to herself. In her culture (she is Chinese from China) there is little adoption and to her we are not his family. She was even jealous of Princess, Goneboy's Asian sister, because they were sooooooooooo close. I believe she felt he was in love with her and would marry her. Warped, I know, but both Princess and me think this and we didn't talk about it until one day...we had come to the same conclusion. He had asked my daughter once, in a joking way, to marry him since they were not biologically related. She told him, "Um, that's a bit, sick, Goneboy. Um, no."

    Anyhow, my heart broke for two years, but I fought it wiht extreme counseling and am doing GREAT now. You have a daughter who is typical. Enjoy her. Cherish her. Maybe your kids will eventaully see the light, but right now I'm sure you have many loved ones who need you to be the best you possible...healthy, happy, moving on with your life. You need to do that for yourself as well.

    "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." Let your boys live their sad lives and foster their meanness, but go on and try hard to live your own life and make it a great one. Do get into therapy. Do enjoy the simple things in life that don't judge you...the sun, the grass, the smell of fresh air, the scent of flowers. Find those who appreciate you for the good person you are and hang with them.

    Let go, let go, let go of your Difficult Child for now. One day at a time. One moment at a time. You still have a life worth living. YOU control it's quality.
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Granted, I am just starting in my personal journey but I can definitely say that by having a relationship with Jesus, all aspects of my life are changing. I have been off anti-depressants for a while now and feel no need to be on them anymore. I am becoming more and more religious the more I personally experience.

    However, it does not sound like they are practicing true Christianity. True Christianity is about loving everyone - even the ones you find unlovable. We are NOT to be the judge and jury lest we be judged. No one sin is greater than another. I just read scripture yesterday that speaks about how someone can bring up the speck in someone else's eye while they have a log in their own...

    I am sorry they are being this husband and son do not believe either and I do not force the issue. I just try to lead by example and hope that I am a light for them at some point like my daughter was for me... <3
  10. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    God is the only judge. Your son & daughter in law have no right to judge you. It's sad what you're going through and I'm sorry. But you should have some peace knowing that God loves you even while we were sinners Jesus died for us. Your Heavenly Father loves & cares for you. I would suggest you pray & read your Bible for the peace you so deserve. Having your first born son shun you from his life on false pretenses is devastating, but give it time, God will work things out. Much love to you! Your husband is sweet, enjoy his love too!
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, ok, ok. Halt.

    God is not a part of everyone's life and there are many religions too. I don't think it helps an atheist to tell her God will take care of it. And my beliefs are more that our higher power is with us, guiding us, but we make our own decisions. So this is a very diverse site and I feel it is best not to push our beliefs onto others.

    This woman who is an atheist will not benefit by hearing about God and atheists are as welcome here as other people. And so are people like me who have many New Age and Buddhist beliefs and believe in many lives and karma. I know some people probably think I'm a heathen because I regularly consult a very good, accurate psychic (shrug). I know I'm a good person and don't need approval, but I don't believe we should tell others what God will do, since we are such a diverse group.

    I know the statement was meant well, but I respect atheists and do not talk to them about God and I don't think it is respectful to do so. Just as I would never tell a Christian that I've been there and it is not the way.

    We are all in this together as Warrior Moms and we need support, but not necessarily in the religious sense. I started a thread once asking if most DCs are atheists and got some flak from atheists, which I took to heart. I can see why they felt insulted. I think we need to be mindful that we are such a broadminded group and include everybody's beliefs as equally valid. I think it's best if we stick to common ground...our DCs. Hope this didn't offend anyone.

  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    For the record...I DO believe in God. I don't want this post to become divisive though..the real point is that my oldest son is now drinking and drugging again and is passing judgement on me! They (he and his wife) are doing so by religious means which is very disturbing to me on many levels. I believe that a relationship with a Higher Power is a very personal matter. It is not one to judge another. I listen to all. I accept all opinions as I know I am NOT anyone's Creator! "Live and let Live" is a motto I happen to love!

    MWM, I think you DO understand my frustration as your "goneboy" also passes judgement on you and has distanced himself from you. It is very sad and as you said...not something I can control.

    I appreciate all of your input and support.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, well, I misunderstood.

    However, my point still matters. Obviously, I understand how it feels to have a child tell you good-bye.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    OK, this is the post I was talking about. Guess there are two LMS. I'll leave it at that.
  15. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I was under the impression that LMS is a Christian which is why I was giving her Christian support MWM. I do respect all and am not here to impose my beliefs on others. Just wanted to give support.
  16. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I don't push my beliefs on anyone. The post was about how her son is using his religious beliefs to shun his mother. Therefore, I was responding to what she posted about. It is not like I came on a thread that had nothing to do with God or religion and tried to convert y'all.
  17. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Take what is beneficial to you and leave the rest - isn't that what we are always saying on this site?? If the word God offends you - skip over it.
  18. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    May I humbly say one more thing MWM? When you say it doesn't help an atheist to say God will take care of it, how is that any different than saying there's nothing we can do about it. Because isn't that what an atheist believes? That there's no God? I have personally seen God change people's lives so I truly believe all things are possible through Christ.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    PG, your post was about how it helped you, which is appropriate in my opinion.

    Saying that it's in God's hands is not appropriate to say to an atheist or to somebody like me, in my opinion.

    I thought LMS said her son wouldn't talk to her because she does not believe in God.

    So maybe it's confused and I didn't get it.

    At any rate, MY post got a lot of flak...and I felt the atheists made good points.

    LMS1 even your Al-anon group will say there is nothing you can or should do, which is always an option, but you can't make your son change. I know what Al-Anon says. I spent years in Al-Anon. So I'm not sure I get your question.

    To say God will take care of it to an atheist is as insensitive and unhelpful in my opinion as to say there is no little man in the sky to a believer. I would never say either.

  20. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    LMS -

    I am so sorry that your heart is hurting. I am Jewish but don't Christians say "Judge not, lest ye be judged?" Sounds like your son is lining himself up for some judgment from his higher authority and possibly the authorities here on earth with his drug use.

    I know that you have referred to your relationship with G-d in the past and the comfort it has brought you. Don't let your son and his daughter try to make that into something bad. There are zealots in all religions. H and I moved to a new town when our kids when young, in large part because the Orthodox in my community (who were an overwhelming majority) judged me for being married to a Catholic. I didn't care what they felt about me but when it began to affect my kids, I moved. Ironically, they all LOVED H! and he still visits friends there!

    There comes a time when we, as parents, have to live for ourselves. You owe your adult sons nothing, not even love or like. I know it's hard but the effect of failure to do so is to be like my mother-in-law, who is 90 and still supporting and getting drugs for her 61 year old pill addict daughter. My suggestion is to take a break from your sons for a while - set a date and on that date, contact them or better yet, have H contact them. Let them miss you. During that time, have fun at the casino once in awhile, though do try to give up the cigs!