Don’t know what to do

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Irish Momma Bear, Dec 15, 2018.

  1. Irish Momma Bear

    Irish Momma Bear New Member

    I’m a new member lost in the crazy, sad world of my daughter’s addiction.

    Over the summer we discovered 21 yr old daughter had started using heroin. She had used cocaine in the past. Long story short, we immediately put her into inpatient rehab for 3 weeks. She left and went to sober living for 30 days before she ran away. Three more rehabs and a 2 week stay in psychiatric facility and she had been doing well for 60 days. She starts having angry outbursts, getting into fights and lying about her relationship with me, or telling people I’m dead. I’ve died 5 times in the past 12 months. She has never given permission for professionals to talk to me but there is a bipolar diagnosis suspected. Tuesday she ran away from sober house, used, and talked her way back into the third rehab place. They sent car to pick her up, but she gets out of car in mountain area. She is in a different state. No one knows where she is. She isn’t answering phone.

    What do I do? Should I call police where I think she is? Of course I’m thinking the worst; if she’s dead how will I know? She has no ID on her.

    I can’t believe this is my life.
     
  2. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sure you're sick with worry. I'm not sure there's much you can do. She's an adult and if she chooses to go off and not tell anyone where she is that's her right. The police won't help you in that case. For your own peace of mind you can call the hospitals and police in the area where she is to make sure she hasn't been injured or arrested. Try and keep yourself busy so you aren't consumed with worry. Sending peace your way.
     
  3. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Irish Momma, I am so sorry to read this. I am sure you are sick with worry. I agree with Eliz. the best you can do is call the police dept in the area you think she is in. Ask if there are any reports. You can tell them your concern. Although it is too soon to be able to file a missing person I am sure they will keep an eye out for her if you let them know. It would probably be good if she got picked up with drugs on her so she got locked up. and hugs sent, prayers said she turns up, no worse for wear..I feel awful for you.
     
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  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I would go ahead and file a missing persons report, but the police may tell you they can't help since she's 21. They might not even take a missing report until it's been 24 hours.

    I know you're scared, and I'm so sorry. I would be worried to death, too. I think she will most likely try to find her way back to the city and be OK. It's hard on you to wait for word, I'm sure.
     
  5. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Any news about your daughter?
     
  6. Irish Momma Bear

    Irish Momma Bear New Member

    Thank you all for the concern and support. At 2:30 this morning to say she had checked herself into another rehab, but was currently in a hospital for stomach issues.

    I’m so tired. It feels like the movie Groundhog Day; we keep repeating the same thing over and over. Now that I know she’s safe I find myself getting very angry with this game.

    I’m seeing a therapist who has convinced me that I can’t fix this no matter how much I’d like to. Now, I need to work on caring less. Is that even possible? This stress will kill me.
     
  7. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I don't think you care less but I think you learn to focus on what you can control, which is you. You learn how to manage the stress and let your adult child live their life. You can still love someone and have a different type of relationship with them. You can love someone and even be in a place where you don't have any or have very limited contact with them. My relationship with my daughter requires that I keep strict boundaries in place. It doesn't mean I don't care about her or love her, it's just what's necessary for me to be healthy. Learn about boundaries and enabling. It's just a matter of reframing your relationship with your daughter. Hang in there.
     
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  8. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    It took me almost two years of living in a stressed state to let some of the worry go. I learned to put way more responsibility onto ds and way less on me. I still love him to the moon and back, but I'm letting natural consequences take place over mom consequences and stressing out way less. It takes time and a great therapist, which I found after going to several so so ones.
     
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  9. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    I am glad you found out where she is.
    I hope you can get a reasonably good nights sleep.
    Angry? of course you are but it won't do you any good to be angry at her. If you said to her, "you know how worried I was? I didn't know what happened to you , whether you were dead or alive." She would say, "I didn't ask you to worry about me. Worry about yourself and leave me alone." She is 21. that's pretty much how they think. When I tell my 21 year old son that I worry about him he says ,"then stop." I know it is hard. I can't stop. Even if he is a jerk and does ridiculous things. he is still MY jerk. and I still love him and want him to be okay.
    I know some people can compartmentalize and even say good riddance to family and erase them from their thoughts.
    I don't know if I envy them or feel sorry for them.
    I wasn't raised that way. I knew my parents and grandparents loved me and my siblings to the ends of the earth and back and they loved their siblings and parents that way and each other. Sure they had disagreements and things were hard at times but it always, always came back to family first. My husband's family isn't close like that and doesn't have that type of bond. It just isn't in his dna. He puts our 21 year old out of his mind (he says. but then he asks what we are getting him for Christmas)
    Prayers she gets help and can be ok.
    Wishing you a peaceful night and some rest.
     
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  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome

    I hope you have some support for yourself whether it be a spouse or friend or other family.

    This is tough stuff. We dealt with it for seven years with our son. It beyond aged me and is beyond exhausting!!

    I do hope you can find some peace. Addiction is an illness and it is also her journey.

    I would always prayed that God would keep him safe. That is all I could do. I could not change the outcome.

    Thankfully he has been sober for over a year and is doing well but the fear is there.

    Prays and hugs!
     
  11. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    If she has had trouble with the police they probably have fingerprints or dna. My son is also bipolar and has angry outbursts and is very manipulative. He has not disapeared on me that would be very hard. Drugs can make the bipolar much worse. It is very hard to deal with the ups and downs and even worse with drugs involved. It doesnt seem like it now but with help and time you will be able to disengage from at least some of the chaos. Prayers are with you.
     
  12. Irish Momma Bear

    Irish Momma Bear New Member

    Thank you for your comments and words of encouragement. This past Thursday my daughter called to say she is in a psychiatric ward because she made a suicide attempt - she’s tired of being an addict. But she won’t give her doctors permission to talk to me. I hate HIPPA. One of the stupidest laws enacted. So I wait.
     
  13. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    HIPPA doesn't work well for the mentally unstable. If you know where she is maybe you can talk to doctors and tell them what is going on. they can't give you information BUT you can give them information. maybe that would help her.