Hi, my name is S, I am a mother to boys, my 10 year old B is diagnosed with multiple disabilities: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), odd, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), adhd, violent outbursts towards other and himself. He’s currently away at residential treatment for 8 weeks. He comes home on weekends. Today I had several toys thrown at my head because he couldn’t find his toy. I truly tried to stay calm, but after over an hour of him swearing and screaming at me, kicking things, throwing things at me.... I broke. He’s gone back now and I’m breaking thinking that I’m a few more weeks he will be back full time. And I don’t want him back. I am a horrible and selfish human being. I think there’s something seriously wrong with me. I don’t have options, there are no supports available in our area. We are currently driving two hours one way to drop him off and then two hours back home. He’ll come back with strategies on how to help support him when residential is done. But he’ll always be B. The house is wonderful, absolutely wonderful when he’s gone. I don’t miss him when he’s gone. There’s not a single moment when I think “I wish B was here”. And I know that’s a horrible thing to say about my son and that eats me alive. I should want to be around him, I should want my baby with me. But I don’t. I want friends and I want a job and I want out of this house. But most of all I dont want to be abused by my son anymore. I don’t want my other children being abused and losing out because of B anymore. I told my husband tonight that I don’t know how I’m going to go back to having him full time. He tells me we’ll just have to enjoy the small happy times that we get... together. That he’s just a child, he needs our support. But we’re not doing this together. I’m the one dealing with it all. I’m the one having to leave work, I’m the one he verbally assaults on a daily basis. I can’t do this anymore. I do not want to live like this. I miss being happy, I miss being able to breathe. This guilt, this gut-wrenching guilt is eating my alive. I’m not a horrible person but these feelings.... they make me want to disappear. Make me feel so unworthy of being a mom. I have given up everything to help him. I feel like I have nothing left to give.