TM - it is a really difficult thing to define, because I think in some instances our kids are given ridiculous amts of slack, but in others they are scrutinized much more than a easy child.
For example, at the height of thank you's behaviors at home, he called me every disgusting name in the book (*every* name). At that point, if he wasn't physically assaulting me, I let it slide - it's all relative. If Diva or Wee even *thought* about calling me one of those names? Their lives would end. Period. Also, interestingly, Boo at this same period of time picked up one of thank you's favorite phrases (fxxx you). In spite of his really horrible/unintelligible speech, this particular phrase he mastered quite well (impressive because it's a fricative sound and he just doesn't do fricatives - of course, he was hearing it about a gazillion times a day back then, LOL). The only other person who caught on was his teacher (wonderful guy who really got that Boo is more on-target than not). Everyone else was hearing it, but they didn't give it a second thought because no *way* could a kid as involved as Boo say that. He was. Teacher, husband, and I were the only ones who reprimanded him for it, even after we tried to educate other staff involved.
I was really worried about the therapeutic approach versus real-world logical consequences in thank you's case. My goodness, so many people (myself included) spent so darn much time trying the "talk therapy" approach to his really dangerous behaviors. Let's "process", or have him write up a "life skills intervention" sheet. The reality is, if thank you goes off in 7-11 because they don't have his brand of gum, no one is going to "process" with him. I have thought for a very long time that, especially with our teens, we are setting them up with some very false ideals of what consequences are going to be for their behaviors as adults. No, you *don't* get to go to the hospital when you assault someone other than a family member - you will go to jail. Don't pass go, don't collect $100, and no one gives a good gosh darn that you have mental health issues. You're not generally so psychotic as to be unaware of what you're doing. Aware of the consequences? Maybe not, since they've never been applied before. And I think that is really a huge disservice we do to our kids.
I think really the only place where they tried to keep a tight rein on him was in a couple of school placements. They were on him pretty darn fast for things that a "typical" kid may have gotten away with, but considering that those placements were all self-contained Special Education, I understand their scrutiny.
You know - Boo has a real fondness for women. A *real* fondness. He's been reaching out and grabbing them for over a decade - again, an impressive skill given his really lousy motor skills. But try to get staff to understand it? Darn near impossible. You can watch him - it's very intentional. He *knows* what he's doing and he also knows that, unless I've forewarned people very forcefully about it, he will get off scott free. I think that just defines the tendency to allow a disability to define the person and by extension, allow that person to not be held to basic social rules. It's the same with our difficult children. If they get taken to a hospital for their violent behaviors (and obviously, my opinion is very much colored by life with a kid who was violent to the max but was also, the vast majority of the time (though not 100% of the time), completely in control of his actions), why would they expect anything different as adults? It really bothers me.
At the very end of the day, rules apply if you live in a community. Period. There are no exceptions. You cannot have a separate set of rules for appropriate behavior for an adult with BiPolar (BP), or CP, or whatever.