easy child can be such a PITA

[flutterbee]

easy child was nagging tonight because I didn't empty the dishwasher and reload it. Funny, but I didn't notice any broken arms on him. He's been so critical of me the last 2 days. I told my mom today that it was all I could do not to cry (not a big cryer here...takes a lot to make me cry) when he was criticizing me yesterday. by the way, he's criticizing me because I've been ill. My mom said that maybe I shouldn't have stopped it...that I should have let him see me cry. *Blink* :faint:

easy child is my mom's favorite. I don't mean just among the grandkids either. I was a young mom and lived at home the first year and my mom provided daycare (her offer) until easy child was 3. She has always had issues with boundaries and she has had problems realizing that I'm easy child's mom, not her. easy child knew this and played it to the hilt. When he was little and I did something that he didn't like, i.e., took away a privilege, he would tell my mom because he knew that she would "talk to me about it". She always "talked" to me about it in front of easy child. He used to think he could get me grounded!!! :hammer: There has been a lot of conflict between my mom and I over the years over this and several times I was ready to sever ties with her.

So, I was floored to say the least. It felt nice to be validated, though.

I haven't been to work in 2 months because of my health and easy child is angry because he doesn't have his permit yet. I have to go to the social security office to get a replacement card for him in order to get his permit. The closest office is 30 minutes away. Not a big deal normally, but I've only driven more than 5 miles once since I've gotten ill and that was for a doctor appointment and noone was available to take me. My coordination is really off with all these medications.

I'm sick of the sense of entitlement from easy child. I do and do and do for my kids and I'm talked to by easy child as if I'm a horrible mother for being ill. Because I haven't been able to "do it all" since this happened. Or for several months before. My heart was really sick and noone knew that my heart was the cause of my illness. There are easily 20 symptoms that I no longer have that can be attributed to the heart disease. So, I've been ill for quite a while. It's called life, buckaroo. It happens. If he doesn't like a couple of dishes sitting in the sink, then he can take care of it himself.

Not feeling like I'm in a hurry to get to that social security office now either.

Just needed to vent. Thanks. :smile:

 

[kris]

<span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #000099"> honestly, heather, he doesn't sound very easy child to me.

for someone who wants the privilege of driving he needs to show more responsibility. IOW he has to prove himself to be responsible & mature. i'm not seeing that in your posts about his demands & treatment of you.

i do think your mom had a point. there is no shame in crying in front of him. it might get him to understand just how badly he's hurting you. if it doesn't then it says something not very positive about him. i'm not suggesting you use tears to manipulate him.....rather it's a genuine expression of your distress & pain.

since he has such a close relationship with-your mother would she be willing to set him straight on these issues? maybe this time your mom can be a tool of good instead of evil.

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[Wiped Out]

Heather-
First off hugs-I'm sorry he is being such a PITA! He does sound a lot like my easy child (but she is borderline easy child these days!). I sure wouldn't be in a hurry to go his permit right now. I like Kris' idea of having your mom talk to him if you think she would do it.
Lastly-more hugs!

 

[Fran]

<span style='font-size: 11pt'>I think teens even easy child teens are in such a state of change and emotional growth that they are miserable, inpatient and intolerable. It doesn't last forever for most easy child's but it's a good 2 yr process from my experience. It's part of the growing up and preparation to separate from who they are as a child to who they are as an independent adult male. It's not pleasant but I think it's necessary.
Doesn't mean there are not snotty, entitled easy child's. Fortunately, if you use wise parenting and are patient they come around.

I am Aunt Fam to 2 nephews. I know the oldest is close to me and baby sis uses me. Sometimes she uses me as the reward or as the threat of punishment. Her easy child(both are easy child's) is attached to Aunt Fam but I am careful to draw the line. No one needs two moms and I was "mom" to my baby sis, my own kids and I really don't want or need to be mom to anyone else. While in the early years baby sis needed some support and some of the wisdom experience gives,I know that if I was too helpful she would come to resent me and think I was being critical of her parenting. When one is too helpful in raising a child that is not yours, there will be resentment and sense of being judged by the actual parent. I don't know if this gives you any insight but I thought I would share my experience from the other side of the street.

I hope your easy child comes to understand your struggle and he grows up but you may have to reread some of the parenting suggestions for raising easy child teens. They are almost from another planet. </span>

 

[flutterbee]

He's not being very easy child when he behaves like that. He's been so critical, bossy and controlling the last few months. When I had the second heart cath, I had another abdominal bleed. Nowhere near as large as the first, but it was very painful. I had been up all night because the only position I could find any relief in was sitting indian-style and kind of hunched over. Finally, around 6:30 am, the pain medications kicked in enough that I was able to lie down...but only with a pillow between my knees and one tucked under my tummy. easy child came in and was yelling at me, telling me how irresponsible and lazy I was because I was in bed. He said he was going to go live with Nana because he couldn't stand to be around me anymore. I told him he wasn't allowed to live with Nana. I told him if he was moving out, he had to go live with his Dad. I knew he wouldn't go live with his Dad, that wasn't the point. I'm not going to allow him to play me.

Fran, I understand what you are saying and I think that is where my Mom is now. But it took years to get here. When easy child was little and she provided daycare, she was thinking of moving an hour and a half away. She said she could pick easy child up Monday morning and bring him back to me Friday night. She didn't understand why I wouldn't consider that. When easy child was 10 and was diagnosis'd with severe depression and was suicidal, he was put on an AD. My mom told me that I was just wanting to medicate him because I didn't like his behavior and told easy child that he didn't have to take the medications, so he didn't. She then went out and bought my suicidal child a swiss army knife. The same one he barricaded himself in his room with and I had to take the door of the hinges to get to him. About 6 weeks later, my mom called me crying because she finally realized how sick he was and told me that she thinks he should come live with her. She never ceased to amaze me.

He's angry because I've been letting the housework slide because I've been ill. He's angry because he thinks I'm not strict enough with difficult child. He should really watch himself on that one, because if I parented my kids the way he thinks I should parent difficult child he'd be in for a rude awakening himself. I understand he's frustrated. But, that's no excuse for his behavior.

 

[smallworld]

Heather, I'm really sorry. It sounds like tough times at your house.

There is no excuse for easy child's behavior toward you, but I'm going to put another spin on it. Maybe he's scared about all that has happened to you. Maybe he wants things back the way they were. Maybe yelling at you to get up and do the housework is his not-very-mature way of saying, "I want my mom back."

When I was about easy child's age, my grandmother had open-heart surgery and came to live with us for about two months. It was scary. It was chaotic. I remember feeling angry without understanding why. Again, I'm not excusing easy child's behavior, but teenagers may be expected to behave in a certain way that they may not have the emotional capacity to achieve.

A frank talk with easy child may help -- about what happened to you and how things may be different for a while, about his feelings and about your feelings. Exploring the issues, instead of being angry with one another, should in the end strengthen your relationship instead of driving a wedge through it.

Hugs to you.

 

[flutterbee]

smallworld -

I think you're right in that he's angry and frustrated and doesn't know how to express it. I think he feels like he has so little control and that makes him want to exert more control. A close friend of mine told me the other night that easy child has a big personality and that it sometimes gets overlooked dealing with GFGness so much. I think she's right. I have explained what's going on with my health several times and he said that he just doesn't think it's an excuse. Yesterday, for example, I wanted to come out of my skin. He said he didn't think that was an excuse for me not to do the dishes. Sigh... He told me today that he doesn't think difficult child is depressed. He said I always use her mental illness as an excuse. I told him that it really didn't matter if he thought she was depressed because the doctors think she is and they're the experts. I then explained that I don't use her mental health as an excuse, but as an explanation so he can see where she is coming from and why "normal" things are much harder for her and that I am trying to help her cope, not excuse the behavior. easy child thinks everything should be a Basket A issue. He doesn't cut her any slack.

My mom picked him up this afternoon. He was just going to spend the night, but after my mom and I talked she asked if I wanted him to stay through the weekend. I told her I didn't think it would be a bad idea. I think it will do us (easy child and I) both good to get a break. I know how hard it is to live in a house with a difficult child. As a sibling with no authority, it has to be that much more frustrating. I do understand that. I think there is a lot of resentment building in easy child. He needs a break from it. And so do I. My mom will also talk to him, I know. Sometimes he hears things better from her than he does from me. Probably because he's so angry with me that it skews everything I say.

Thanks for listening and for the input, ladies. It helps to think things through in this forum and I appreciate all your thoughts and insight.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Okay, take this for what it is worth....or don't take it at all. And I mean it in all kindness and, BELIEVE ME, empathy. Daughter is 15 and well, it's pretty much been h*ll around the Dazed household at times. Yesterday, I drove 20 miles (with gas at 3.30 gallon!)to take her home and exclude her from a shopping trip because of how awful she was to me and her brother. Yes, she had a tough day at school with all of her drama, but I do not allow it as an excuse for outrageous displays of disrespect.I drove home, booted her out (well, she tried to hang on to the car in the drive-way), and went back to go shopping.

I understand PCs issues and frustrations, but WHO THE HECK CARES?

You've been ill. He gets testy because he can't get his permit?? Criticizes because YOU didn't empty the dishwasher??


Oh, boo hoo! (and I've actually said that to Daughter)

"Teaching Moments" aside, sometimes I believe it is necessary flat out lay down the law and tell him to cut the cr*p with the self-entitlement nonsense. Then, until his attitude makes a 180, you don't "do" anything other than what the law requires and STICK TO IT!. Please do not be manipulated by any guilt trips like, "you're a bad mother",etc., blah, blah, blah.

Listen, I know it's not easy to be the sibling of a difficult child. I know, I was a sibling of two of them. However, that is simply no excuse to act like a brat and expect you cater to him.

As for your Mom. From my vantage point, she's is not his Mother. I know that it is tempting to use his relationship with her as a way to get through to him, but I wouldn't advise it. It puts you in the position of being "2nd in command" and another way to undermine your authority. Do not hand your power over on a silver platter. I wouldn't even discuss easy child and parenting with her anymore. Yes, she helped when he was young, and I'm sure you thanked her well enough. You need to put up a solid boundry with her. I find that if I put up a clear boundry up and make it clear it's not to be crossed, people, and most importantly, FAMILY, respect it without question. This Mama don't play that.

It's okay. They will still love you.

(((hugs))) Take care of yourself.

 

[flutterbee]

Thanks. :smile: It's nice to know I'm not alone.

He's behind on his schoolwork (he attends school online). I've been on him all year about it, to no avail. Now he's stressing cause time is running out. I told him today that since he couldn't do the ONE thing (school) that is required of him there would be no permit. Driver's ed is required in Ohio in order for him to get his license. I haven't worked in 2 months and don't have the $300 it costs. He had the money (saved from birthday and Christmas), but decided to loan it to a friend who was saving for an X-Box. That was several months ago. This friend has a job. He hasn't bothered to pay easy child back a penny. I asked easy child about that today and he said he's not worried about it. So, if thinks he's going to be so free with his money and then expect me to come up with it, he's mistaken. I also told him that irregardless of all the above, with his present attitude I wasn't feeling motivated AT ALL to get his permit.

I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face. He understands. He gets it. But everything "annoys" him (his word). I told him today that he was a big boy and he'd get over it. But he'll root himself in one spot and just go on and on and on, harping on me, criticizing. He finally said something (today)...I don't remember exactly...but it was some smart-mouth comment about me being ill...and I told him that he needed to shut his mouth and leave me alone. I was done.

My mom gets the boundaries now. That's something I don't play either. But it was very hard to get here. I've had to cut off contact several times because she just kept crossing the line. For some reason, she never thought I was serious, I guess. She finally got that I meant business and backed off.

 

[DazedandConfused]

Just to let you know...

Lots of driver's permit drama here, too. Can't get a license without one. Frankly, there is NO WAY I'm allowing Daughter to get one with her maturity level. Forget it! I've put it out as a carrot, but I really think she is simply not ready for it emotionally.

She got snotty and informed me that she will get her license when she turns 18. I told her that's just fine, but her chances winning the lottery were better than her getting to use my car for the test.

You know, whoever (it may have been Erma Bombeck) said that once kids hurt puberty they should be buried deep in the ground until they are 18 was on to something! :wink:

 

[flutterbee]

I'm not having kids in my next life.

easy child didn't want to stay the weekend at my mom's and came home this afternoon. Tonight he started in. He doesn't think difficult child is depressed. He doesn't understand why I can't go to work. If only everyone would listen to him cause he's always right (yes, he said that out loud). He said that my allergic reaction isn't that bad. I guess that when I went to the ER with it and my blood pressure was higher than it was when I was having a heart attack is nothing to worry about.

I tried to explain things, yet again. I've tried to talk about what happened and what it meant and what was going on. I explained that they had put me on so many medications at once and it took time to figure out which I was reacting to (and honestly, we're still not sure cause it's day 3 of the steroids and no improvement). He told me that he didn't want to hear it, that it makes him crazy and annoys him. He told me that he already knows that stuff, but he still doesn't think it's an excuse for being sick. He said that I've been sick for a long time and he's tired of it and thinks it's just an excuse. Well, yes, I have been sick for a long time. I had two blockages in my arteries at 99%, one at 50% and one at 40%, so I've felt absolutely horrible for several months and the doctors never even considered heart issues. They said I had chronic fatigue. We now know that I don't. But, somehow, according to easy child I've brought this on myself.

Yet, during the months preceding the heart attack when I was absolutely wiped out all the time, I still worked and cooked and cleaned and did laundry and ran him wherever he needed or wanted to go and was parenting him and difficult child. I don't get breaks. I don't get every other weekend off. My mother has taken difficult child for the night maybe three times in the last year. Usually they have friends stay over here rather than them staying with their friends so it was quite common to have 5 or 6 teenage boys or girls in the house at a time.

I didn't think I raised him to be like this. :crying: