easy child wants to come home

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jena, May 31, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    good morning

    hi, so easy child called yesterday while we were out with-the kids...... she said i want to talk to you, i think it's time i came home.

    So, I didn't say much was on a beach with-the 3 youngest ones. So, she'll be by today after school to talk. difficult child has to clean her disgusting room, so easy child and i will sit on lawn under tree.

    First question i have is: What has changed with-you that you think you can come home now after living the "high" life and respect me and the rules of our home?

    We'll c how it goes, I kinda knew it was coming. I do think her returning can work although i know many here say it cannot. Yet to be honest it has to be a "certain" way.

    Nothing will ever be perfect in my life, yet calm is what i'm after. I will not go backwards into the world she created before. first thing husband said was I don't want her back if she's going to stress you.

    So, we'll c she may not like what i have to say regarding her return, rules, my new attitude and may decide to remain where she is.

    I think there's a mix to the wanting to return, she has a ft job now during the summer and no way to get there, she also will be graduating from what I understand and also wants a prom dress for prom, and she basically needs us.

    Yet i told husband there is no way i'm waking up at 7 each day in summer to drive her to work, I won't do it. I said i need my sleep was looking forward to a more relaxed schedule in the summer due to no tutors and pressure. I said maybe i'll offer to drive her 2 days and the rest she can ride her bike. It's quite far away. husband said she can't do that I said shes' a healthy girl, she made the choices she did otherwise she would of had a car by now.

    She still has to find her way through fixing all the damage and part of that is mom will not be getting up early to drive you.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I wouldn't even do it 2 days.

    She's graduating? Good. Too bad about the prom dress, she really mucked that up.

    Lay down your rules - then make her take a few days to think about them. She's 18 now, legally an adult, so make her sign a contract. And... If she understands that she really cannot make it on her own? Well. I would say she needs to earn her keep - at least some of it. You're no longer obligated, since she left.

    Make therapy one of those rules.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    make it 2 days? didn't get that.

    husband and I were talking and we both get you can't "make" someone go to therapy, i think i'm doing making her do anything. she has to "want" to go, if she doesnt' she simply cannot return.

    nothing changed, at least with-her. yea she got a little bit of a better grip in the 6 weeks she's been gone. Yet that's just the tip of a very big iceberg. I do love her, and I dont mean to sound selfish, yet she has to want to do all those things. I wont' force anything anymore.

    she'll be given a list of rules, obligations to this family she'll be expected to keep up with. not a ton yet basics things that are a given in family life. If she doesnt' like them and she very well may not than she can stay where she is or do whatever she wants.

    getting this diagnosis has opened my eyes to alot of things in my life that need to change. I guess brick upside the head sorta thing lol. One is I need to take care of me, so each day i wake up now do my yoga, i eat really well, take a ton of vitamins and i don't stress about the little junk. I'm also finding out not everythings that important.

    anyway....... just my ramblings....
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    What I meant was, I wouldn't even drive her the 2 days a week. She has to figure out the logistics herself.

    Onyxx swears she "has" a job, but we won't let her take it because it is too far away. Problem is? She won't give us details, either. So no. We told her she has to find something she can get herself to.
  5. Time to draw up a lease. Maybe she cannot afford the rent out in the town but back home she can work by going to school and do some cleaning. Her "job" must be to graduate high school - even if it means that she must attend summer school.

    Put it down in writing. At the weekend boot camp our daughter was "forced" to accept a kind of contract. We cannot kick her out while she is a minor but there is no reason for explain her som boring legal stuff.
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would not recommend asking her what *she* plans to do or how she is going to change, or saying "you can only come back if you do X Y and Z." Rest assured, she will promise you the world in order to come back home. been there done that.

    Instead, I would let her know what YOU plan to do. Give her those rules you mention above, and make it very clear what will happen if she does not follow through (e.g., she will not be allowed certain household privileges, or given rides, or ultimately, she will need to find somewhere else to live). You also need to be prepared to follow through on those consequences. I would even go so far as to write up a contract and have her sign it. Otherwise, letting her back in is pointless, and you are going to be back where you were before.
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i agree with-all of what everyone has said. we'll c how it goes... i'm finally learning how to calm my life even with difficult child, my diagnosis, etc. a different attitude, a whole lotta yoga lol so i don't want her even though i do love her to mess up my flow so to speak. :) and getting up ridiculously early ea. a.m. to drive her to work isn't my plan of a relaxing summer with difficult child and my family.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    It seems inevitable that this will cause more stress on you. You will be the one making sure she sticks to the rules, and if not, issuing consequences. That is a ton of stress, and you already have difficult child you do this with.

    It will definitely cause stress on difficult child who has started to deal with not having a sister at home, and now she is going to come home? That will just cause more flare-ups for difficult child equaling more stress on you.

    If I were you, I would not enter into this deal. It seems to me she is using you - as you said she now "needs" us - aka "using" you. NOT a good reason to move back home.

    If she now has a job, why not offer to pay the first month rent on a small efficiency near the job (so she can walk to work), and then let her grow up. She really in my opinion is too old to move back in with Mom.

    I know you miss her. I also think perhaps you subconsciously want her to be back home with you. Asking yourself why you need/want her back home would be very therapeutic. What hole does she fill in your soul? What need does she satisfy? And then when you find out what is at the root of wanting her back at home - make a decision to let her go. Let her be free to go into the world to become the beautiful woman she is meant to be.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I wouldn't do it. I thought that prom was already come and passed anyway. She's using this because you want it so much for her. How many times did you tell her you woouldn't buy the dress if she did ABC and she did it anyway? Coming back and putting all these things in place, including the rewards and benefits, is not the way it's supposed to work, Jen. you should be telling her what she would have to do to earn all that back. Decfiding she wants to come back and telling you what you want to hear and promising that she'll do ABC in the future doesn't warrant you handing her the rewards and benefits before she actually follows thru. Basicly, you're giving her everything back just because she's agreeing to come back and tell you what you want to hear. She's still in control, not you.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, I know you love her and this is what you've been waiting to hear. I know you want your easy child girl back.

    Sad to say though, too much water under the bridge.

    I'm going to be honest with you, I think you even considering letting her return home is a major bad idea. At least at this point in the game.

    If you want my pessimistic opinion?

    Someone wants to go to prom, wants you to foot the bill.........after the way you've been treated. That's a lot of gall even for a difficult child child, let alone a easy child one.

    She needs you because she decided to go off on a wild tangent. But truth of the matter is, you don't need her or her stress or her demands and requests. It's happened time and time again on this board. Parents let the child return home and if they're lucky they get a couple weeks honeymoon and wham it's worse than it was before they left the first time. Then parents face yet again the stress, drama, and sheer effort of trying to get the child OUT again, while kicking themselves for ever having let them come back home in the first place.

    Be wary of her motives. easy child or not, 18 is still a very selfish age. Even if she is remorseful and wants to change.......it appears she is wanting you to do the fixing for her while she pretends nothing ever happened. And when that doesn't work.....because you can't fix it for her.......you're going to be right back where you started.

    If she has a job she can save up money and rent an apartment. Maybe you could help via yard sales, thrift stores and such to help her furnish it. Transportation is her problem. How is she getting there now?

    Sorry to be such a downer as I know these were things you were so hoping to hear from easy child, I just don't want to see you go through all the hades again.

  11. Jena

    Jena New Member


    thanks for all the responses and opinions. Yes it is alot to think about for sure. I do not want her home though to feed any need I may have. To be very honest I've turned a full 360 on that. Sometimes hearing your health isn't what you thought it was can really impact your life, make you re evaluate your life, people in it, how you live it. with that being said my only goal in any of it is for her to be able to be a happy, independent woman someday, with a head screwed on the right way.

    Ofcourse any child will create a level of stress as we all know in parenting them, rules, curfews etc. it's just how it goes in being a Mom. yet as we all know what she created was far beyond that. I can't be bubbled the next however many years I get to be on this earth because I have multiple scelorisis can't even spell what i have lol.

    Yet truth is she is has to really get what husband and I will tell her tmrw night, we reschedule it so he'll be with me. She doesnt' make enough for an apt. most kids we know in their early twenties here still live in parents homes because apartments are just way too expensive here in new york.

    I'm willing to consider it, yet like I said i have to see what she has to say to me in regards to what will make it different this time around? Besides us telling her where we are at with things.

    As far as difficult child goes she'd be thrilled to have her home with-o a doubt. shes' been hard to handle past two weeks beyond words :)

    we'll c, i'm not saying oh yea she's coming back at all. I'm handling it the right way, not jumping the gun and to be honest not overally excited as many of you thought id' be lol. she called me i hung up and said hmm she wants to return home. husband and i just looked at eachother.
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I hope it goes the right way for your family. Thought I would remind you that there is alot of lost sleep in the evening too. I think four of our six teens had jobs that required night hours....so....in lieu of sleep I was parked outside the job to transport them safely home. Simple social get togethers...no sleep until they were home. Later years, boyfriends/girlfriends, booze etc and no sleep until I knew they were home. THEN...once they are home, the house isn't quiet and it's hard to get to sleep. Oh yeah, phones ringing and music/television noises. Yikes! Peaceful sleepy mornings are good for your health and peace at bedtime is important for your health too. Even if she behaves like a easy child, she is not going to live like a cloistered nun and sit quietly in the corner of her room praying! Hard decision. DDD
  13. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member


    The others have made some really good points. At the very least, I would encourage you not to make a decision on the spot when easy child meets with you and husband. Take a few days to step back and ponder it after the discussion.

    If you're thinking about letting her move back in, have you considered asking her to pay mileage for driving her to work? She could always look for a job that's closer, and you wouldn't have to provide taxi service. How about charging her rent? If she can't afford an apartment, she could always find roommates. Prom dress? Seems like she forfeited that when she moved out.

    Something else to keep in mind: You'll have your hands full when difficult child returns to school. Are you really prepared to live with that and the chaos that easy child creates?

    Hugs. It's not easy.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Jen, I am NOT pointing this out to upset you, but I think it is something that you need to hear. We hear you post a LOT about taking things easy, going slow, making less chaos and more peace happen. These are good things, but you also want to move everything at lightning speed. I am sure that being out of the house for a month and a half seems like an incredibly long time after having had easy child home for all her life. it probably seems like a long time to both of you, but is isn't. Not really.

    Just a few weeks ago you and husband were on the verge of divorce. Actually it seems this is a back and forth thing that has happened for a lot of your relationship. I am really happy that he is being so supportive with your new, and honestly very scary, diagnosis. But even that is so new to you that you have NO idea how it will play out. It adds to the stress that both of you feel, in every single way - financially, relationship wise, as a parent, everything.

    easy child was out of control for a LONG time. the peaceful times seemed to be partly with a certain boy out of her life, or with no boyfriend - I don't know if it was one boy causing all the problems or just having a boyfriend at all, and that really doesn't matter. The fact is that easy child did not slide into difficult child behaviors quickly - they were there for a long time. There is NO WAY that she has learned her lessons in just a month and a half. No way that she can really deeply be ready to follow the house rules, even if they are rules meant more for an adult roommate than a child of the house. Have you talked to the family that she moved in with, to see what problems she had there and if she is coming home because they are kicking her out for the same behaviors that she had in your home? because I bet that is part of it, that and finding out how hard it is to pay your own way in life.

    Quick fixes are something we are all trained to want, but they are not reality. Please slow this way down, give her a few more weeks out there, at a bare minimum, to truly figure out that she is giong to have to follow rules no matter where she lives. I saw this in my brother - moving out often to go work in some forest in some other state, then coming home and still having the same rules and refusing to follow them, and then going ack to wherever for 8 more months and back to mom and dad's for supposedly a week or two and not leaving for 3-4 months except that they never knew if he was coming home or not, regardless of the rule to call by 10 to let them know, etc... There were almost NO rules that he would follow consistently, not even after 8-10 months out of the house. In many ways this back and forth, retarded his growing up. He still cannot share a dwelling with another adult - the only reason his daughter can live with him is because she has always known his home to be the way it is. My mother has finally admitted out loud that they did him a HUGE disservice by allowing him to come home for so long each year up through age 35 or so.

    I don't know if coming home is right for your family. I do know that this is about the time when difficult child will have started to settle into life with-o easy child, even though she misses her. You have all established new routines that are becoming normal for you, and easy child coming home right now will mean upsetting all of those.

    In many ways your world moves much much faster than most peoples. It isn't good for any of you, esp not you with the ms and difficult child with her problems. I don't think that moving in will be the best thing for easy child. She is at the point that the novelty has worn off and she is seeing how tough life is - and coming home is just a way to hide from that and to be able to blame you for everything wrong.

    As others have said, many many members have had pcs and difficult children on this out and in routine and coming home hasn't been successful for the vast majority in the years since I have joined htis forum.

    Now I have said my piece, I will support what you decide and hope for the best for all of you!
  15. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I just want to ditto what susie said. I know it is hard to hear, but we really are telling you the truth.

    And I will repeart the VERY best thing I EVER did was move away from home when I was 18. I was a easy child, that morphed into a difficult child from about 16-20. Had I been allowed to go home, all that anger I had, I can assure you would have been re-triggered and taken out on my parents. And my little sister at that time idolized every move I made. She was your difficult child's age. It broke her heart when I left, and had I come back with all that anger still stored inside, I would have also invariably taken it out on her and hurt her too - which would have been devastating for me to realize as my life went down the road.

    I lived with friends, and always had a job, and lived on ramen noodles - but at age 20 I made a full circle recovery into adulthood. I think that is what everyone is trying to tell you. If you want the best for her, let her figure this out on her own. There are a million ways she can do it - and none of them are your responsibility to figure out. She still has tons of anger, none of that went away - and it WILL come back out - it is impossible for anger to just dissolve without a lot of therapy and work.

    I hope you and husband read these posts together as you make your decisions - and I wish you the best of luck.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa were you talking about me and the rubber band boy? LOL. Lord have mercy that will never happen again! What a mammoth mistake. I know that was the very worst thing I could have ever made for all of us. Kids do much better when they are on their own. They have pride in themselves for what they have accomplished.
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    wow ok i'm going to do my yoga. lol alot of great responses thank you for taking the time. susie a bit much. my life moves in the direction it moves, at the end of the day we do extremely well with all tha'Tourette's Syndrome been thrown our way in 12 short mos. i mean seriously between difficult child sick two hospitals, etc. than easy child, dogs, cps, me sick you name it. we got it all in one year. i honestly think any couple would be on the verge of cracking. it was a few mos ago the divorce thing actually nota few weeks ago. a few weeks ago i was getting my ms diagnosis.

    i dont know what ill do or we'll do. im not rushing anything at all. i'm taking my time with it, as i do with whatever else i have going on. difficult child, medications whatever. only thing i'm rushing is getting my insurance. :)

    and she doesnt' get how tough it is lol she's been living somewhere getting to do what she wanted when she wanted. the only thing that may bea problem is fact she doesn't have a car..... that's her issue i think. she gets she madea huge mess, shes' trying to fix it all yet sometimes natural consequences are what they are and you can't fix mistakes sometimes you just gotta live with the consequences and learn from it.

    such is life. trust me husband and i know full well what easy child is all about, and have discussed at length what it'll mean to return etc. we've madea list of rules and talked about it. it's really up to her, at this point what she's willing to obide by what she isnt'. i won't have her here with-o therapy or medications or both in place. her intensity is the same it was 2 mos ago.
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    well figured i'd update...... suffice it to say without all the details i'm not ready to allow her to move back in yet. :) i was stuttering within the first half hr of the talk, lol.
  19. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    LOL Janet, not you specifically no. You're not the only one who's let a difficult child come back and regretted it by far. I've seen it many times over the years.

    Well Jena, you sat and attempted to talk and lay it on the table. The kid doesn't know the opportunity she's missing.

  20. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    Very good advice from multiple people wrt not letting her come back home. It REALLY sounds like she's nowhere near ready to shape up, just wants relief from couch-surfing, prom dress (THAT really shouted what frame of mind she's in), and associated difficulties. It seems like just yesterday that you were describing the last blow-up from her.

    I've seen a difficult child let back home way too early, and it's always a disaster: the next time you want/need to put her out, she'll be much more resistant and the whole scene will be much more traumatic for everyone concerned. 6 weeks is nothing--just long enough to party a lot and start to run out of cash/resources, the novelty of it all, etc.

    I can't tell if you've already had the talk with her or not--if you did, and you nixed her return, how did she take it? Quiet maturity, or fury?

    I've seen my difficult child nephew masterfully "play" my sister for readmission into her house, and then go right back to the old habits and problems, but this time much more committed to resisting being put out again. It seems to go that way, from what I've read on this board, almost every time, especially if they haven't been gone for a LONG time. Nothing will have changed in just 6 weeks.