Ex husband bought a ticket for my son to come home

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by raylea, Jan 13, 2015.

  1. raylea

    raylea New Member

    Hello everyone.

    Its been a while since I posted so to bring you up to speed..

    My son, homeless (again) lives in Seattle, we live in Ks. I live about 4 hours away from my hometown where all my family is. About a month ago his best friend through childhood and teen years comitted suicide. I posted about the fears I had about telling my son. As expected he was devestated but started seeing his counselor after that which was a good thing.

    His friends memorial is next saturday, in Kansas. My son had told me he was sad about not being able to come back for the service but what could he do. He understands I financially cannot help him with anything. Well, a few days ago he texts me and tells me his dad (my ex) had paid for a bus ticket for him to come back for the service. I am ashamed to say my heart sank. My fears are that once he comes back he wont leave again. He ended up in Seattle because everyone had cut him off. He wouldnt keep a job and everyone got tired of supporting him.he thought we were all a bunch of idiots and f**k everyone. So jumped in his car and took off. He always wanted to live in Seattle so away he went. That was a year and a half ago. Needless to say, he didnt keep his job in Wa, and ended up homeless.

    Now hes coming back and Im so anxiety ridden about what will happen. My ex seems so happy that hes coming home but I dont think he even realizes what the consequences will probably be. And of course I dont want to be the one saying "are you flipping nuts???" Hes coming right back to the same situations that caused him to leave in the first place.

    On top of all that Im 4 hrs away, my boyfriend and I only have one vehicle presently so going home will be nearly impossible. My son has hinted about coming and staying with me, which isnt a good idea.

    Just wanting some feedback on how to handle this. Im dreading what might lay ahead.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If it is detrimental to your health, mentally and physically, say NO.

    Is he going back to Seattle?
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm sorry you are having anxiety over this. I completely understand. You said he has hinted at staying with you, that is so like a difficult child to beat around the bush in hopes that you will read between the lines and feel sorry for them. Be prepared to tell him no that he cannot stay with you, and you do not owe him an explanation as to why. If he demands an answer tell him it's not in your best interest to have him stay with you.
    Since your ex is the one who is paying for the bus ticket and is happy that he's coming back then he can deal with difficult child and give him a place to stay if he so sees fit.
    Just because he's coming back to your neck of the woods do not allow him to steal your peace. You need to take care of yourself.
    Let him know you are sorry about his friend and wish him well.
    Hang in there. We're here for you.
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  4. raylea

    raylea New Member

    I dont know for sure if hes going back. I was afraid to ask if it was a round trip or one way ticket. From the things he has said and the few texts I have from my ex it sounds like hes going to stay. My son has anxiety issues and says that he just needs to come home for family support for a while. He says he loves Seattle and there are so many more oppotyunities than in the little "po-dunk" town we are from. So, why hasnt he suceeded there? He has a CNA license and had a CNA job there. Quit because they were working him 60+ hours a week. (we should all be so lucky, my job has forced us to part-time bacause of obama-care). He also quailified for a "homeless housing" type program where they got him into an apartment, set him up with furniture etc. They paid his rent for 6 mos, then after that his rent would be based on his income. After the CNA job went south he never did find a job, lost the apt and now homeless the last 2 weeks. He was supposed to get started in a program called "farestart" there, but his dad booked the ticket home in the meantime so good-bye to that as well.
    His dad has called me a few times in the past crying about how we cant just leave him all alone in Seattle like this, people are hhoked on heroin there, and just doom and gloom and we have to do something. I just said, you know, he chose to do this, we cant live his life for him. He has had opportunities there that alot of people are never given and he he just turned his back on them. I know my mom has sent him rent money the last couple months hoping that he would land a job in the meantime. He just says nobody will hire him because he lloks homeless, has social dysfunction and on and on.

    Anyway, thank you for the encouragement, it has helped me remember how strong I was before. I can do it again.
  5. raylea

    raylea New Member

    Also, I DO want to see him its been about a year and a half. The best thing would be for me to go to my hometown but if that cant happen Im sure he will have (or at least) ask my parents to bring him here, Thats fine, but then Im afraid he will somehow manipulate them into "keeping" him. I remember well the situations before he left. How should I go about telling him he can visit but not stay without sounding cold-hearted. Especially since starting off Im not even sure what the situation will be. Maybe he will have changed, living away and having such a tough time. Do you think he may have changed? hes 22, so still young. Maybe Im getting worked up over nothing.
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    If he had changed then he would have a job and be paying his own way back to his friends funeral. You are much better to trust your gut instinct, while it sucks the anxiety you are feeling is for a reason. What has he really done to earn your trust back??

    Yes, you are strong and you can do this.

  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Trust your instincts Raylea, in your heart of hearts you know what your son is likely wanting now. That's probably why you are having anxiety about it. It does not sound as if he has changed. It sounds as if Seattle is just as hard as anywhere else when you're not willing to work. My take on it is he is looking for the next free ride, you, his Dad, his grandparents. Saying no seems like the appropriate thing to do. If he wants help, counseling, etc, you can make choices about your willingness to help him, but staying with you does not sound like a good idea. difficult child's know how to manipulate us into feeling sorry for them and giving them what they want. You do not have to cave in. Many have helped him in many ways, none of it worked. He has to help himself. That is the only way he will learn to take care of himself.

    Stay strong, read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, attend a 12 step group, go to a counselor, get as much support as you can until he returns. Don't let his Dad manipulate you too, let him put your son up if he is so upset about it. He sounds like an enabler, if he wants to enable your son then let him suffer the consequences, you don't have to. Set your boundaries. Say no. Take care of YOU. If you read the stories here, you'll see how saving them rarely, if ever works.

    Keep posting, it helps with clarity and strength. We're here if you need us.
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  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Yes, and amen to that! Coming right out and asking would give you the opportunity to say no. Instead they let your good nature and parental instincts and...well, love and high expectations for them...do it FOR them. It's really kind of creepy, the way they just sit back and wait for you to make the decision they were hoping for.

    I think it's great, wonderful, that you know you don't want that. I wish I had been honest enough with myself to realize that the last time I let my son come home.

    I would tell him that staying with you did not work out the last time and it is not good for him or for you. If he asks why, you don't owe him an explanation. Let him figure it out.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Raylea, I just saw this and thought of you......

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  10. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Yes of course.
    Why would you assume he's coming to stay with you? He has two parents. Take a back seat.
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