Family update

[lovemysons]

Thank G-d Christmas is over!

I know this is our sub abuse forum but thought this is primarily where me and mine belong so even if I "stray" abit, bottom line is my household consists of sub abuse issues.

Young difficult child passed only one of his classes, sociology. I think he failed the other one due to cornering himself with peers and teachers in arguing his "absolute views". He is very black and white...the middle ground is so difficult for him.

He will be expected to go to work. He is at work today (for husband) but it is temporary. He turns 18 on Feb 19th. He should get off probation his year long probation sometime this month.

Young difficult child has a girlfriend. Her mother is Bipolar I hear and dad is not in her life. She seems nice enough, quiet, I hear I intimidate her but I'm not sure how/why. She brought over some kiddo's she was babysitting last night, pulled out McDonalds for them at the table and young difficult child sat there with arms crossed. Apparently they did not communicate very well. He was still angry with her regarding her having a headache the other night at the movies and him paying for the movies and them leaving. Then he was upset that night before last she went home "early". I don't allow girls spending the night here now and so she left early. Making assumptions, coming to wrong conclusions, and being resentful is still "easy" for young difficult child. He will be ONE lucky guy if a gal can ever put up with his quirks and emotional sensitivities.
They stayed in and watched a movie here on New Years. All was well, no drama, loud anyway so far with this relationship. That is an improvement.

I did spend some time talking with him last night. Some of his "brain quirks" are becoming apparent to him. He has concerns. I have offered the right resources for him to pursue if he ever thinks he has too many problems functioning, taking care of his basic needs. I am pretty convinced that young difficult child has sensory issues, possibly falls on the Autistic Scale somewhere, etc. He is still a weather fanatic and I discussed with him at great length last night that this is more than a "hobby" since 3rd grade. I really believe it is a legitimate marketable pursuit. He would be a great asset in a meteorology dept.

easy child is doing great. She has a "friend boy"...lol, that's what I call him. He is 16, yes I know...but not aggressive in hurry to follow crowd or grow up too fast. easy child is quite an admirable young lady. A strong bowler, a wonderful friend, and a soothing spirit. She wrote me a poem she even typed up and gave it to me in the hotel on my birthday while we were in the Rockies skiing Copper Mtn. I cannot even begin to tell anyone how blessed I am to have her as my daughter. She brings me hope nearly every day.
On a side note, and this is always interesting to me, her "friend boys" mom suffers from Anorexia. I knew this the first time I met her when the kids were all dressed up for homecoming and we parents got together at my home for pre-homecoming pics and getting to know each other. I also hear she drinks heavily. She appears to be obsessive in the "cleaning house" dept. She and her husband are very strict, in my opinion, regarding their son and expectations for him. His long term goal is to be a Police Officer, lol. He finds something nice to say about all of us no matter what he has observed. easy child tells me that he thinks I'm nice and that he thinks I probibly get embarassed at times regarding young difficult child or dad's behaviors. She also told me that he respects young difficult child because he knows that the way he intimidates and acts is because he is protective toward easy child.
I really like this friend boy. They've been going together for the past 4 months. Yes, I know...keep an eye out.

husband has decided to go and visit oldest difficult child in Prison on Jan 27th. easy child has a bowling tournament down in Houston that weekend. I will not be there with oldest difficult child and husband. This is their time. They have not spoken since husband kicked oldest difficult child out of the house a year ago. I refuse to try and mend, fix, control their relationship. They are 2 peas in a pod in many ways and my interference in Their relationship has never helped.

I am pursuing some work at home. Will see how it goes. It will only be around 4 hrs a day, part time work. Still going to meetings here and there, still wrestling some days with the ugliness/pain of addiction issues in our family...but am surviving better than I have been in years.

That's all I can think of for now. That was probibly enough though, huh. lol
lovemysons

 

[KFld]

Thanks for the update. Sounds like life is moving along. Your easy child daughters sounds much like mine. I don't know what I would do without her in my life. She just turned 17 and has her first boyfriend who is almost 17. I like him a lot and the best thing is, I trust her!! It's nice to have one that you don't have to worry about everytime they walk out the door. Of course I worry about the normal things, like she's driving now and accidents happen, but I don't worry that she's out drinking or doing drugs, or anything that she would end up in jail for!! It's a nice feeling and I thank god every day that I have her. Atleast I have been given the experience of a difficult child and a easy child, so I know what life is like with both of them. I wouldn't trade difficult child for the world either, but I would trade off a few of his issues :smile:

 

[Sunlight]

surviving better, huh? that is a good start! I know on New Yrs day I was sitting on a couch wrapped around boyfriend and I told him I never remember such a peaceful holiday for me...ever!
to most people it might seem normal.
to me it was miraculous.

glad you are aware of the progress in your life!

 

[lovemysons]

LoL, Karen, yes I suppose I would trade a few of difficult child's issues so life wouldn't be so difficult for him. But, is what it is.
I am mostly honored now(no longer absolutely horrified, lol) to be a safe person in my young difficult child's life...Someone he can talk to about his concerns. I think he "heard me" last night when he asked me to sit by him and he started talking to me about some of his obsessive thinking, etc, asking me for my opinions. I told him that no one person can be another persons "everything". I suggested a therapist or doctors or even meetings again. This morning he called and asked me to make a new appointment with his therapist. This to me is a sign that he wants to learn how to take care of himself, starting with his mental/emotional health. This is good. Have him scheduled for Jan 18th. He is a young man and I want him to know where to go what to do for his needs. I know he will likely not go the medication route again unless he's desperate but I don't want him to ever have shame or such intense fear that he is too afraid to ask for the help. My getting forms of help for "me" is actually serving him I believe.

easy child and I rode over to pick up her "friend boy". She told me that someday she's going to make good money from sports psychology and further down the road when her dad and I get old, she's going to build us a "seperate house", near her's, to take care of us. Thank goodness I trust her to know what to do with me and her dad! 2 old cranky difficult child's, it'll be just like old times for her, lol.

easy child is ready to drive as well, looking forward to getting her permit at 15. She often speaks as though she's ready to go to college and get on with her adult life. Now doesn't that figure. Our most functional-happy child wants out of our house and on to the adult world as fast as she can get there and she is the ONE child I'd probibly like to never let go of...Always so much irony to this life.

Janet, that spirit of calm, peace, serenity. Does sound miraculous after the H we've seen. All I can say is...stay there, lol, For as long as you can!

I still see glimpses of BiPolar (BP), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Anxiety, ADHD, Autism Spectrum, etc throughout my family but sub abuse seems to be the most pervasive issue. Living life on life's terms can be so hard for some of us, making a mistake, admitting a mistake, forgiveness from self and others. Forgiving ourselves has got to be the toughest though, is for my family members.

looking forward to an even healthier year ahead.
lovemysons

 

[Allan-Matlem]

Hi,
I am so happy that you have so much pleasure from your daughter , remember you deserve a lot of credit for that as well , also that your son sees you as a trusted advisor. The most important factor in helping our kids is the relationship we have with them. Sending prayers and positive thoughts in your direction

Allan

 

[KFld]

[ QUOTE ]

I am so happy that you have so much pleasure from your daughter , remember you deserve a lot of credit for that as well

[/ QUOTE ]

Whenever I'm feeling down about difficult child and thinking it may be our faults, I look at easy child daughter and realize, if we were bad parents, she would not be such a easy child. I know we've done something right when we look at her.

 

[Coookie]

Tammy,

You sound so good, grounded.. :grin: Seems that things are going well in the LMS house. :grin: Your comment about staying out of gsfg1 and husband's relationship clicked with me..I have decided to do the same thing. :hammer: It is a struggle with the control issues though but I will win this battle, as you will.

Wish I had a easy child daughter like yours...maybe I will adopt yours for a few days. :rofl:

Hugs

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Allan, it's wonderful to see you here again. And Allan and Karen, In all honesty, complete, I cannot take too personally what a beautiful sunshiny healthy spirit my daughter is/has. I was NOWHERE near the maturity level that she has when I was her age. I was lost and scared and much more like my difficult child's, particularly my young difficult child. I feel it is dangerous territory, for my own health and sanity to give myself too much of the credit or too much of the blame.
I am however, so pleased that because of the help I am receiving and for better or worse the lack of influence from oldest difficult child in our home, young difficult child seems to be growing again. Years of double duty panic, terror, drama now make me SO grateful for these calmer waters (metaphorically speaking). I am not stirring unnecessarily, my difficult child's are not pulling each other down.

I also think easy child is benefiting greatly from the lessons I am learning at Al Anon meetings, she even attends Al ateen here and there and has brought her close difficult child friend to a few meetings. Life is unfolding in a more positive direction. I know many here said prayers for us that are likely beginning to be answered at this time now. I am so grateful for all the care of good loving people. People that don't give up, don't turn their backs, people just like me that understand these depths.

Coookie, I have always tried to be the "bridge" between oldest difficult child and husband. They are both very strong willed highly determined people with serious control issues, though husband is obviously much more mature at this point...most of the time, lol.
I realize now that I will not make any improvement in the relationship by trying to say the right thing to help them understand each other, force solutions, move them toward each other with my "loving intentions"/thoughts/efforts. It's not my business. Not even about me. It's something they have to, they only can, work out for themselves.

And...I don't want to buy into the notion anymore that husband is oldest difficult child's greatest source of pain and conflict. It isn't true. No matter how much I've subconsciously told myself that it was, Oldest difficult child has the disease of addiction and any and all sources of pain/blame and conflict will be used to feed it. My efforts/strength/will to treat/control this "disease" will always and only take me down, hurt me, never ever will it fix, solve or improve the situation. And both of them resent my efforts to try and do so, and they should.
Coookie, you'll be okay, baby steps to pull away and let the "rightful owners" step up. They tell me it's healthier.

Oh, and about your idea of borrowing my easy child, well, hmm, let me think...NO! :grin:
Just kidding, if you ever come to Texas for a visit, I'd love to see you again and maybe bring my easy child along for you to meet as well.
She is SO alive, I am SO blessed.

hugs and enjoy this day we have. :smile:
lovemysons

 

[KFld]

I'm glad to hear that alanon helped your family as well as it did mine. My husband and easy child saw such a change in me when I started going. I no longer attend, but I do still use a lot of the tools I learned on a daily basis. My one day at a time book sits on my dresser and I still look to it when I am having a bad day.

 

[Ephchap]

T,

It's so good to hear that things have improved, and that you're realizing that we can only nudge and nurture; we can't fix everyone and everything. Good for you for moving forward with your life.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[TYLERFAN]

Hi LMS:

Your post was both encouraging and uplifting. I hear the familiar sounds of a person in recovery :bravo: :bravo:
You are learning how to let go and that is a good thing.
Remember....One day At A Time...


Blessings,
Melissa *

 

[lovemysons]

Karen, I hear you...I would be lost without the "tools".

Deb, thank you for the acknowledgement and encouragment. Your hugs mean so very much to me too! Hug you back.

Thank you Melissa. Yep, can't hold on to what was never mine to begin with, plus it's like the tighter I squeeze out of fear, the more they resist, the more pain I bring to the problem. Hmm, it's kind of like those "panting breathes" we're coached to do in childbirth vs trying to control it, if that makes sense. Makes getting beyond the problem easier on both of us.
I do love metaphors. lol

thanks for caring.
lovemysons