Hi B,
I’m sorry you are going through this added challenge. It is not surprising to me that it all happened around your daughters important event, it just seems to be the way of the mess and drama of having an addicted loved one.
I agree with the others that there is nothing we can do to force our loved ones into counseling, rehab, and the ultimate goal, sobriety and normal relationships with family. This is not “giving up” on our loved ones. It is giving in to the ill conceived notion that we can “fix” them. They have to want it for themselves. Hubs and I spent many years in that mindset, hoping that our help would actually help my two. They just dove further into the rabbit hole and dragged us along with them. I am glad that you know that you cannot have your son in your home. That is half the battle, albeit a hard pill to swallow.
He adamantly refuses that there are any drugs other than marijuana. My ex-mother in law just emailed me. I want feedback from this group:
My two were the same, “It’s just pot, Mom.” I learned later it was much more. I knew deep down that it was more, by the personality changes we saw.
I'm literally sick to my stomach. I've been doing so good on myself lately. Just to clarify - the worry for my son never completely leaves. It simmers in an undercurrent that bubbles up several times a day.
This is where the work is. Trying to separate our emotions, stress level and body response to the drama addiction presents us with. I understand this undercurrent you write of. It is my issue as well. It helps to focus on my granddaughter, because I have to be healthy to care for her needs. My two are adults and will do as they please. That’s just the fact of the matter. It’s a lot of work to set aside the emotions connected to their choices, we love them. But it is imperative to keep focused on our own health and well being.
My husband and I hash out the issue at least once a day but we try not to think obsess over it as we will end up in the hospital ourselves. We both have physical ailments related to this overwhelming stress.
Stress is a killer. Try to put your sons issues, choices and consequences where they belong, back to him. It is his responsibility to carry this load, not yours or your husbands. It’s good that you are putting limits on discussion of the subject, not dwelling on it. My issue is ruminating thoughts, I will chew on the “cud” of matters over and again if I let myself. Nothing comes of it but heartache and heartburn.
I wish I could bring my son back into our home. The last time he was here it got physical a couple of times. I cannot risk that again. I have a daughter to think about.
Your daughter, you and your husband, all of us, deserve to have peace in our homes. Home is supposed to be a sanctuary, not a battleground. The fact that your son got physical a few times is proof enough that he can’t be there. It is a hard thing, nevertheless something that you have recognized and that is good for you and for
him. We do our adult children no favors allowing them to take advantage of us. You did well here, setting that boundary.
but they've done nothing to help except email me to tell me to bring him back to my state. This woman is the queen of enablers. She still pays rent for my ex and he is 54.
Oh boy. Of course they want to be rid of him. Easy for them to put it back on your plate. My hubs cousin is 84-her son is mid 50s, living with her, riding up and down the road on a moped on his “meth missions”. She can’t bare to see him on the streets, so houses him and puts up with his behaviors. It boggles my mind. He has no desire to change.
I'm really annoyed as last night was a huge formal fundraising performance for my daughter's school. My ex knew about it and my son knew about it. I said we have this important event so don't text me or call me as my phone will be on silent. It is hard enough to face the 100 other moms with a smile on my face knowing my son is either mentally ill, has a drug issue or could be homeless tonight .
I understand the frustration and difficulty of having a wayward young adult and walking around amongst others who have “normal” lives. The key here is to enjoy the moment with your daughter, and the many more she will have. You both have earned that. Don’t let
anyone take that away. I know it’s hard B. I used to have a hard time listening to others talk about their kids success in college, jobs, whatnot. How I yearned to be able to replicate that. Actually, I could, with my well children’s accomplishments!
I have to use all of my energy to be ME. Then if course the battle ax drops me this email right before the event. My husband said it is clear she just wants to get rid of our son - she doesn't truly care about his well being.
Timing is exquisite isn’t it? It’s almost as if by design, our wayward ones issues try to steal the limelight. It’s the old rug being ripped out from underneath, as soon as we stand up and brush ourselves off and start to recover ourselves, something else comes up. It can be exhausting. I honestly don’t know how I would respond to the email your ex-mother in law sent you. I would sit on it a few days, for sure. I would probably write a really long response and NOT send it. Just to vent.
This is the worst situation I have ever experienced-even my mother's passing, divorce, my own cancer diagnosis.
It is incredibly difficult to deal with a young adult child’s addiction and downfall. I have always said it is worse than losing a loved one to death. There is finality in death. Addiction brings with it a rollercoaster ride that can go on and on. So, it is up to is to
get off the ride. In the beginning, it’s definitely a learning curve, because we are hard-wired to try everything to fix things for our kids. We have to retrain our hearts and minds to set limits to the depths our emotions take us. Addicted using loved ones know just how to tug at our heartstrings, family members either well meaning or not, can burden us more with suggestions. It is already an emotionally charged situation, we don’t need anyone to add to the stress we have. Take time for yourself and
slow way down. Breathe. The ideas posted for naranon and therapy are good. It takes work to retrain our emotions.
Thank you for letting me vent. I need to find a mountaintop to scream from right now. I apologize for dumping this here as it feels so unattractive but I need guidance from experienced moms. Should I press the rehab issue, is he doing hard drugs, will rehab work, am I setting myself up for more failure???
I hope you found your mountain top. Scream! Get that stuff out somehow! When things were really bad for me, I would walk in the morning and pray. It helped clear my mind. Don’t worry about venting and feeling weird about it, we are all in the same sort of predicament and need to be able to write it out and get feedback from others in similar situations.
About pressing rehab, wondering what your son is doing, your gut instinct is probably correct, it is more than pot. But, your son will not change unless he wants to. You can fret and press all you want, but then you are entrenched and entangled on the path he is on. That is not healthy. I have a hard time reading on rehab websites, it places so much responsibility on family’s trying to help their addicted loved ones, to stay involved. They don’t seem to be concerned about the impact addiction has on families. How much we have been through, the decline in our own health. I think what is key for you and all of us is to get ourselves back on track to self love, self respect, setting and keeping boundaries. Learning to process the emotions that come with this, but not letting it affect us so deeply, that our lives are stripped of joy. Healing. That means setting boundaries for our own wayward emotions that synchronize with the consequences of their choices, as well as other peoples opinions. Everyone has to find their own way on this path, we are each at different junctures. No judgement on what you decide is best for you and your family. Hang in there and take care of you.
Gentle hugs.
Ps. Your Ex mother in law is a piece of work. Really? “Once you secure a spot, we will put him on a plane.”
Ummmm, I don’t think so. He is 25 and an adult, no one can force him to do anything!
Arrrrgh ! People!
Hang in there. You got this mama.
Leaf
