Feeling all the feels today

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by HMBgal, Feb 15, 2018.

  1. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Hi guys. Partners in our troubles with our troubled family members. Yesterday was a horrible day for my grandson--suspended for three days for fighting--then I got home after teaching my students all day and hearing about the shootings. And I'm a teacher. And I had sat in my grandson's IEP amendment for increased aggressive behaviors in school just yesterday. He's not accessing academics at all because he just refuses to do the work. He was placed in his current class (a semi-self-contained class for kids with emotional problems). He was in general ed until 6th grade, but he needed a one-to-one aide to help manage his behaviors. The school district was hoping that this class had enough wrap-around support that he could be there most of the day, then out to two general ed classes. It was going okay until about November and it's been going downhill ever since. He now needs two aides to go to PE, which he loves but if one little thing doesn't go his way, he elopes. And he's been taking out of his computer classes for his behaviors.

    He's completely socially isolated; he's burned every bridge in his class amongst his peers by saying horrible things, bothering the kids, complete refusal to do any school work. This is a smart kid, too. So, not sure what exactly happened but we had to go get him at school yesterday. He had a huge knot on his head where he was attacked (a fight he most likely started one way or another, but this class isn't filled with little angels, but he is the most "out-there" kid at this point). The other kid that threw a punch at my grandson re-broke his previously injured hand and was taken to Kaiser. Kaiser then sent the police to interview my grandson (no announcement, just showed up at the door, read my grandson his Miranda Rights--he's 11). The police also went to the school. We have no idea what happens now.

    And now everyone is talking about these troubled students that go get guns and shoot schools up. And I feel like my grandson is being put in that basket. It's a horrible, frightening, sad thing to have other people be thinking thoughts about a little boy that you helped be born, are raising, are crying over, are doing everything possible to help. We are doing the work, his parents aren't, which is a big problem. Although his 9 year old sister is in the same boat and is popular, doing great in school, even-tempered--a light and a joy everyday.

    I'm so sad and scared today. We feel like we are losing this boy at the ripe old age of 11. And society is becoming scared of these kids, which certainly doesn't help their social isolation. We are feeling it as a whole family.

    And as a teacher working with many kids like this (but only k-8), it hits on so many levels. Is anyone else having these feelings?
     
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, HMB. I don't know what to say. I substitute teach in K-6, and I worry/wonder about some of the kids as well. Isolated, defiant, work refusal, and as you say, has burned all their bridges with their peers, and it's incredibly sad that you can see it in elementary/junior high. And you know that lost child may grow up to be a lost adult.

    I hear your pain and sadness, and your worry over his future.
     
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    HMBgal, geez, I'm so sorry. You have so much on your plate, you must be exhausted from it all.

    You've done such a wonderful job raising your grandchildren, and I know how challenging that can be for us older gals......and you've had to contend with your daughter's issues as well. Wow.

    I'm sure you've checked into all possibilities for care for your grandson....I have no advice there....

    All I can do is offer my empathy and support....you're dealing with so much.

    I woke up so incredibly sad today......it ended any plans I had to have a normal day.....these school shootings are so awful and it just continues.....children being hurt or harmed in any way always breaks my heart....I think the country is in a state of collective sorrow and depression.....as a teacher this must hit you even harder.

    Perhaps trying to shift the energy a bit today......a walk after work, a dinner with a trusted friend.....a manicure.....it doesn't matter, just something to do for YOU......something that is just for YOU.......

    Sending you big hugs HMBgal........
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    HMB

    I don't know anything about this but wanted to offer my support also.

    I was so sad to watch the news today about the latest school shooting. I have so much compassion for everyone involved. I even feel it for the shooter because he is obviously mentally ill and doesn't care what happens to him.

    It's just heartbreaking all the way around.

    It sounds like you are doing everything you can do for your grandson. When I feel I have nothing else more that I can do I pray. I don't know if this is something you do but I know it helps me. It's not a good feeling to feel helpless.

    Hugs.
     
  5. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I went through similar things with my son. He was moved to a special school in seventh grade. Went through many diagnoses and magistrates and legal issues. He threatens violence but has not carried through. Does your grandson have a diagnoses? Has he been put on medications?
    Not all kids with problems go as far as the boy in Florida did. I would not allow guns in my house at all. I would set strict parental controls on computer use. Pay attention to threats and if need be 302 him to a medical facility. I know that is hard but better than the other alternatives. I feel bad for you it is a hard thing to go through for a parent let alone a grandparent. I pray for you and him to find the answers you need.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is terrifying when you feel you are losing your beloved child at such a young age. He is so young, and there is a lot of time for him to grow and develop out of this. Maybe in time something will change. I know that 11 was entering the worst years for us when it came to Wiz. So don't write your grandson off yet.

    As for the cops, please make sure your grandson has legal representation each time he has to speak to them. It is what makes the difference between a decent outcome and a truly awful one. Often having no attorney can mean that things spiral out of control for kids when it comes to the legal system. He also needs to have you explain really well that when it comes to cops, the rule about answering adults is different. That he truly can keep quiet and not get into trouble. Kids don't understand these things even when they say they understand their rights. Then the legal system chews them up and spits them out.

    I am sorry it has been such a horrible time lately.
     
  7. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    HI guys. Thank you for all your thoughts and taking the time to write. We are kind of in a holding pattern. Can't find a doctor for him that can refill his medications. They are all swamped with patients and/or don't take his insurance. He has 12 days of medication left. And it's Abilify so it's not like we can just not have them take it when he runs out. So that's happening. His father changes jobs all the time (he gets fired because he has the same personality traits as his son--not encouraging for the future). Lordy genetics are a thing, yes? So we are always changes healthcare systems and his treatment has been very fragmented. Mostly just 30 minutes sessions about what drugs to throw at him next. He is at least getting some actual talk therapy at school now.

    We don't understand the police coming to the house. And they were called by Kaiser (the health HMO that's huge in California, where the other boy was taken because he rebroke his hand while he was hitting my grandson). So, Grandson has been calm and quiet, although he's always better at home these days than at school. So we wait to see what the school is going to do after the upcoming break. I'm up in Seattle with my highly functional and squared-away younger daughter with her 18-month old and 5 year old (although he has ADHD, so is quite the cute little handful). She's a teacher, too, and we both have the next week off. I'm just trying to catch my breath and regroup for the next hit.

    Take care, all.