I am so glad you contacted the shelter director and got the REAL info from her. I hope you can cling to that and realize that the director is a grown woman and if she needed to set a boundary on how often you contacted her or what you contacted her about, then she would tell you and NOT your difficult child.
I think one thing that MANY difficult children excel in is telling you that other people are upset iwth you for this, that, and six other things. It has been one of the most painful things my gfgbro has ever done to me. I would rather he just punch me, pinch me or take out a knife and slit my throat than have him tell me over and over and over how my kids, husband and I are always making my mother cry. It is never all of that at once. It is 'you are putting a severe strain on Mom. Last time you were here your kids couldn't even clear their plates and she is so ashamed of you for not teaching them manners. She just sat and cried last night after you left."
Yet the reality that my parents know does not contain nights sitting around crying, or being upset that my kids have 'bad' manners. Firstly, my mom has better things to get upset about than a child not doing whatever is the current problem, she is not the type to sit around crying, and honestly? she would tell me herself before she told him.
BUT as he says the same things over and over again, some for YEARS, they still slip into your heart and end up damaging you and your relationships. My mom has a tough time grasping why I have been so upset over the things he used to tell me that she said or that she felt or that my dad said/felt. The cold, ugly fact of perception is that if someone tells you something over and over, esp in an emotionally charged setting, the brain is going to start accepting it as the truth. This is why so many people confess to things they didn't do, and why if you ask a child a question over and over their answer WILL change to be what they think you want. Then they will start to accept that answer as what actually occurred, even if they were there and they KNOW it didn't.
I would advise you to tell difficult child that you will no longer listen if he says that the director wants you to do or not do something. Tell him that she will contact you directly, so he needs to step out of that part of the communication loop. He is attempting to manage the information that you receive so that he can manipulate you into or out of something. He is also probably trying to manipulate her into or out of something also. Let him know it isn't acceptable, it is triangulation and you won't tolerate it. Make sure he knows you will contact the director immediately/asap to verify everything he tells you from now on.
As for the embarrassment, honey, you are human and female and we often own embarrassment that isn't ours. This heapin' helpin' of bright red cheeks and mortification belongs smack dab on your difficult child, not anywhere near you. As you work on your own detachment skills and personal challenges, you will find that you sidestep, change directions or maybe even leap into the air and soar over that load of llama lumps almost every time someone tries to dump it on you.
Today? You did GREAT!! You listened to difficult child's koi, then you contacted the director to verify what he told you. I would bet he is trying to find a way to either justify using (got tossed out with nowhere to go so he had to buy drugs to cope/stay with users/dealers and can't stay clean when lving with them) or to guilt you into either bringing him home or paying for him to have his own place wth his own rules all paid for by your money. So think about how to handle that again, make a plan for it, then do things that you enjoy.
Just remember that today you did GREAT!!