I'm posting because I feel sad and discouraged today with where we are with our son, Josh. He's been at our home now for two months and says he is not moving with us once we move, and is, in fact, planning on leaving at the end of May; he knows not where.
I feel sad and heartbroken because it is apparent through his behavior and some of the things he says that there is little to no love on his part toward us. It seems as though we are merely a means to an end. Although occasionally he has been "nice" and has interacted with us, the majority of the time he is withdrawn, sullen, and resentful toward us. He can become verbally profane and loud very easily so we have to watch we say.
When he was still in Denver, I thought if we could just get him here, it would give us an opportunity to show care and kindness toward him, and it would change his perspective of us, but that doesn't seem to have happened. It's not like I was expecting a complete transformation of our relationship, but there is nothing there. And now he says he will be leaving in a month, and I feel like the only opportunity we had to try to reach him and repair some of the anger and hurt from the last two years is slipping away.
As I sit here thinking about it, I think about trying to talk to him and tell him how hurtful it is that he treats us this way and implore him to please care about our relationship as his family, but I am pretty sure it would be a disaster because two weeks ago I tried to do something just like that. I went into his room, sat down, and tried to tell him how concerned I was that he was isolating himself from us so much and that I wished he would spend time with us. All it did was to make him mad and to trigger the same tired litany of angry, accusatory statements he's been making for the last two years: "You and Dad have moved all my life and you're still doing the same sh*t; you two never change; you never do anything to help me be happy and have a good life; you've never cared about me; all you care about is yourselves...." etc. etc. All I managed to do was to make us both angry.
So I'm wondering just what to do. I want him to know that it matters to us that we have a relationship with us and that his indifference to us is hurtful, but I don't know how to communicate it in a way that won't trigger him. I don't want to squander this time we have with him; I want to know that I did everything I could to change things, because frankly, once he leaves (if he does leave as he plans), I really don't know if we will ever see him again. I have to be frank and say that although I may love him, I do not like him as a person at all. He is not a good person. In fact, I'm ashamed of who he is as far as his character. And then I have to ask myself--if that's true, why in the world do I want to have him in our lives? I can't answer that. I don't know why.
Tuesday night he and I had some conflict over some food items (He has been eating us out of house and home), and he made me so angry, I'm ashamed to say that looked at him and said, "You are a pathetic person." I had to apologize to him later. Yesterday morning, I wrote him a note and left it, telling him that we care for him and we don't want to have anger and bitterness between us. He, of course, did not mention it or respond to it. He was just as withdrawn when I got home.
I feel defeated. When you've done your very best for someone, and it's still not enough, it just leaves you feeling so worthless and such a failure.
I feel sad and heartbroken because it is apparent through his behavior and some of the things he says that there is little to no love on his part toward us. It seems as though we are merely a means to an end. Although occasionally he has been "nice" and has interacted with us, the majority of the time he is withdrawn, sullen, and resentful toward us. He can become verbally profane and loud very easily so we have to watch we say.
When he was still in Denver, I thought if we could just get him here, it would give us an opportunity to show care and kindness toward him, and it would change his perspective of us, but that doesn't seem to have happened. It's not like I was expecting a complete transformation of our relationship, but there is nothing there. And now he says he will be leaving in a month, and I feel like the only opportunity we had to try to reach him and repair some of the anger and hurt from the last two years is slipping away.
As I sit here thinking about it, I think about trying to talk to him and tell him how hurtful it is that he treats us this way and implore him to please care about our relationship as his family, but I am pretty sure it would be a disaster because two weeks ago I tried to do something just like that. I went into his room, sat down, and tried to tell him how concerned I was that he was isolating himself from us so much and that I wished he would spend time with us. All it did was to make him mad and to trigger the same tired litany of angry, accusatory statements he's been making for the last two years: "You and Dad have moved all my life and you're still doing the same sh*t; you two never change; you never do anything to help me be happy and have a good life; you've never cared about me; all you care about is yourselves...." etc. etc. All I managed to do was to make us both angry.
So I'm wondering just what to do. I want him to know that it matters to us that we have a relationship with us and that his indifference to us is hurtful, but I don't know how to communicate it in a way that won't trigger him. I don't want to squander this time we have with him; I want to know that I did everything I could to change things, because frankly, once he leaves (if he does leave as he plans), I really don't know if we will ever see him again. I have to be frank and say that although I may love him, I do not like him as a person at all. He is not a good person. In fact, I'm ashamed of who he is as far as his character. And then I have to ask myself--if that's true, why in the world do I want to have him in our lives? I can't answer that. I don't know why.
Tuesday night he and I had some conflict over some food items (He has been eating us out of house and home), and he made me so angry, I'm ashamed to say that looked at him and said, "You are a pathetic person." I had to apologize to him later. Yesterday morning, I wrote him a note and left it, telling him that we care for him and we don't want to have anger and bitterness between us. He, of course, did not mention it or respond to it. He was just as withdrawn when I got home.
I feel defeated. When you've done your very best for someone, and it's still not enough, it just leaves you feeling so worthless and such a failure.