Feeling worried...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Mar 23, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi all,

    Everytime my son kinds of goes incommunicado I feel worried. A part of me feels it is kind of normal for a guy his age (19) but the other part of me really wonders what is going on. Last week one of my co-workers told me she had a friend in Fl who did construction and might know of some jobs available. So I texted him, he texted back and I sent him the guys number. That was Thursday. On Sat my coworker called because her friend had a friend who was hiring and they wanted my sons number which we gave her. So my husband texted him, no response. I texted him and left him a message on his phone, no response. It kind of ticks me off really that he can't at least let us know he got the message!! The owner of the house called to check in so I know he is ok and had a job interview someplace else....although she did comment they have to keep after him. He is also not checking in with the therapists at the rehab which worries me.

    I know for me right now that part of detachment is letting it go. He is down there, there are people watching out for him and he needs to find his own way. My hope is that his lack of communication is kind of him doing that....finding his own way, on his own without us kind of looking over his shoulder. If that is true that is a good thing.... but of course my worry is that he is sliding downward.

    I have to hold on and keep looking at the pictures my husband took of him two weeks ago when he saw him and he looked really great.

    So as much as I talk about detachment and letting go it is just really hard to do.
  2. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Sorry- I know it sucks and the worry is never ending. When I get nuts over the situation I throw myself into some project. Lately this has been myself and I have lost 65 pds. over the past year:D, so good for me. Right now I'm challenging myself when I take hikes. For example, I usually walk this one trail the easier way, but now every other day I walk the hard way which is all uphill (like dealing with-my difficult child!) and very steep. At first I had to stop and rest when I did it, but now I just plough right up it. It's good for me and it gives me a sense of accomplishment when I do it. It keeps my mind off my worries about Kat and puts the focus on me where it needs to be. Plus it makes me tired and helps me sleep, which is always a bonus.

    On the one hand, I'm fortunate because it's just me so I can devote myself to doing what I want or need to do. On the other hand, it's just me which means there is nobody to share the burden. But keeping myself engaged and busy is the only way I stay sane. And while I'm fairly detached, we all have good and bad days. Plus detachment, like all things in life, is done in stages. It's a skill that strengthens over time and with practice. Do something challenging and fun just for you. You deserve it!
  3. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I know this is really hard. Losing touch makes you speculate.
    But, as best as you can, try to understand that it is your speculation that is causing your anxiety.
    Our kids seem to land on their feet.
    If you can remember this, that might help.
    And, like you mentioned, detaching is a big help.
    My thought is if you can remember these two things I mentioned AND also distract yourself with not only your personal responsibilities, but things you ENJOY....you will feel ALOT better!
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is one of the hardest things I deal with myself. The not getting sucked into the "what is he doing, why wont he do what I know he should do, why wont he follow my directions?"

    For the most part, I am convinced that if my kids just did exactly what I told them to do, they would be pretty darned successful in life. I have lived long enough to know what the pitfalls are and made all the mistakes so they should know that I have the experience to tell them the right things to do. Unfortunately, they choose to do things the hard way and not listen to me for the most part. I dont get it. Infuriates me! I know, this has been going on since time began...lol.

    But really, if he has a construction job fall into his lap, he should jump on it. That pays pretty well and while it is hot, dirty work, he isnt going to find anything else that pays what they will with his education right now.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks all.... I will say it is a lot better than when he is home.... now I have this little sense of anxiety and it gets to me when I am not doing other things.... but it is nothing like that desperate sense of worry that I know others of you are currently experiencing. This I can live with but I sure wish he would just keep in touch.... because I do wonder if he is starting to use again and what the heck he is doing. But keeping busy helps.... And yeah Janet why on earth don't they take our wisdom of experience and advice. I mean it would just make life so much easier. LOL..... guess for the same reasons I didn't always take my parents advice!!!
  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I think this is just part of their transition to adulthood. My kid's been off the grid for over a week now. I finally checked his facebook last night just to make sure he was alive - he's leaving msgs so ... he's somewhere.

    I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I make a conscious effort not to contact him unless there's a specific reason. I don't want to be the hovering mother. I am quite certain I *don't* want to know what he's doing - if something good (like a job!) happened, he would call or come over. I guess after going through a couple of years of imagining what he's doing, and making myself sick over it, I got cured of it. It's an exercise in futility. I can't control his choices, I can't change his behaviors. Like Janet said, he's going to do things the hard way. In thank you's case, if it's not hard enough by itself, he'll figure out a way to make it harder (the old go around the hoop instead of thru it).

    Your son has to figure out how to live his life. It's incredibly tough watching them muddle thru it, especially when it really doesn't have to be so hard, but ... hey, if they listened to us even a little bit, we wouldn't be here, right? ;) Try to relax. Do *your* thing.

    This detaching stuff will get a bit... well, if not easier, it at least becomes habit. Hang in there!
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I have words - only because Dude is in Florida right now and it's like a manwhore smorgasboard and normally I get texted every day what texts I did get? Came with pictures of Hooters girls and him smiling like a Cheshire cat. - GLAD YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A JOB SON! and I got back. "Wings inspector" :groan:

  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I really sympathize with how you are feeling. You've already gotten some great advice ..... janet and sish, esp. are so very right. My difficult child has chosen to not be in touch with me right now. She is at her dad's, so I know she's reasonably safe. Still, I worry ... just waiting for that other shoe to drop. In addition to the concern is just plain sadness. To my difficult child, people are completely dispensable.

    I am working on trying to not take it personally and I am working ever harder on letting it go. She knows where I am.

    I'm sorry, toughlovin. It's not much for a mom to ask for a kid - even an "adult" kid - to keep in touch.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You know I'm thinking about you. I think about all the board mom's who are going thorugh this day after day and I wonder how things are going for them. I like elizabrary's hiking story. When difficult child first left I couldn't go some places with crying, I walked through the mall blowing my nose and wiping my eyes. I decided to take it in small doses, go to the mall and only go to one store, then two, then I walked the bottom, floor, then the top, and the other day I walked the whole mall without crying. I still felt sad but I didn't cry.

    I worry when I don't hear from difficult child too, abut I am quite sure like slsh I don't want to know what she is doing. I'm not good at detachment yet, I think it's getting a little easier, but I still worry and expect the worst unless I know better.

    I'm hoping he is just being a little self absorbed and everything is going well.

  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    So true. My difficult child would be living a very successful life if he learned by example and listened to his mother!! :)