About 6 weeks ago my son arrived back here at our house from the residential treatment center. After 2 months gone I agreed that he could come back here provisionally and with conditions. He felt where he was (the 2nd of 2 facilities) was not worth being in, and I was concerned about the costs that were mounting. The conditions we imposed were few (but really, I admit it--inappropriate and unenforceable.) After all, he is 28 years old and has a right to live as he chooses. I get that. The conditions: no marijuana or drugs in my house or near me. Get into treatment. Take care of your health (liver) and do something productive or work towards it. Meanwhile he agreed to work for us. He did work for us (half-heartedly most of the time) but as far as I can see did not do much else. 11 days ago I confronted him and gave him an ultimatum--that he would have to leave. He had done nothing. He was heavily using the marijuana. We gave him 10 days to get a clean drug test, and get a therapist and an appointment. Yesterday was D day, the day we had specified he had to have arranged therapy and get drug tested. He replied, there is no point as he would not be clean. He said he had not used in 4 days and that we should trust his goodwill. He said he was trying hard to find a therapist, but nobody returned his calls except one person (are you laughing yet?) Somebody was willing to see him in about 3 weeks, but it was tentative. I looked up the Blue Cross website and I saw that there were 74 therapists within a 1 hour drive and 34 in my town that were preferred providers and countless more that were not. M is afraid that my son will descend into heavy drug use if we push him away again (as did his own brother.) I am afraid that if we do not push him away I will have a deadbeat middle aged son living with me for the rest of my life. I care less for myself than I do for him. After 18 months here on CD, I have not, it seems, yet gotten the essential point. I had led on this post with a description of a painful event with my sister that just occurred. I have moved that piece of the post to FOO where it rightfully belongs. I had reached out to her and she rejected me, tidily and completely. If anybody has time or inclination to read that post, I would be grateful. I think the central point that underlies both of these circumstances, with my sister and with my son, is this: I am the one with value here, which is not to say that they do not. But I am responsible only to protect myself. Their own value is their own concern. Not mine. Unless I decide to hurt them which I have not. I am the central person of worth and whose worthiness needs to be protected and extended. If this is threatened by any body at all I need to be defended and protected by myself. Not in any hurtful or self-justificatory way, but by my own esteem and acts of kindness and affirmation towards myself. Not because I am better or lesser, but because I am worthy as any other person is. No more than that.