Adizziedoll
New Member
Hello Everyone!
I've been poking around this site on and off for many years while my son was undiagnosed, but knowing that my child was different from others even with people closest to me (and even better, strangers) trying to convince me otherwise. It's a little unsettling and darn right frustrating to hear over and over again "oh that's just normal boy stuff" when at home you're practically afraid for everyone's lives (and how the heck you're going to fix everything to get your security deposit back) because of your 2 year old son.
Well, finally, 4 years and 5 daycares later (one in which said she was educated in adhd and had one herself and would never kick him out ... 2 weeks later he was out), I think we're all on the same page. I am forever grateful to the public school, which is the first establishment to actually help us. When they called the emergency meeting a month into the school year, I thought "here we go again". (This poor kid has made so many "friends" just for them to give up on him and leave his life, it makes me so sad). They put him in a 8 week diagnostic Special Education. placement, with notes sent home every day, meetings every two weeks, an outside psychiatric evaluation courtesy of the school, and a plan built especially for him with 3 teachers making modifications everyday. It's been an awfully long journey, but here we are now with over 30 pages of diagnostic results and treatment suggestions.
I thought having a black and white label to prove my child was different would help me feel better, and even vindicated in a sense. Well it didn't, especially the part of the psychiatric evaluation. that states "Evan meets the criteria for both ADHD and Conduct disorder, a common comorbidity. He also manifests the signs and symptoms of ODD, but his misconduct is so profound that the diagnosis of ODD is subsumed and trumped by his diagnosis of CD. That reality is a poor prognostic sign." At first, all I could do was cry. I wanted to believe that a lot of it WAS "normal boy stuff" and it really was supposed to just be this hard ... or maybe I was just doing something wrong? I didn't want it to clinically as bad as I knew in my heart it was. I felt bad for bringing him into this world, I felt bad for the struggle everyone has endured and will continue to endure, and the most obvious person I felt bad for the most was my son himself.
I went to my pediatrician to discuss the outpatient care and sleep study the psychiatric suggested. He very quickly poo pooed all of that, and wrote out two scripts, Focalin XR and Trazadone, without wanting to hear a word I had to say about me needing support and psychoeducation so I can gain some tools to effectively parent my spirited child. He said, "You can give Lance Armstrong a bike, but with flat tires he's not going anywhere. You can have all the tools in the world, but you're trying to ride a broken bike. Try parenting him when the medications make it easier. " He gave me the scripts, and walked out the door. And so did I, not only convinced I needed a new pediatrician, but also feeling centered with a whole new level of determination.
My son is not a broken bike. He is a human being, and he was given to me the way that he is. Now I'm not here to repremand anyone that uses medication on their children ... if it works for you then that's freaking great. This explosive child stuff is hard on a family, and I don't blame anyone for wanting to bring peace into their home. Heck, I take Adderall for my adult ADHD to be a better mother to my child. So don't get me wrong here. I'm just not ready to give up yet. Why would I put him on trazadone for sleep without the darn sleep study? What if it's something completely unrelated to the ADHD (which nobody told me that's what it could be), maybe such as sleep apnea that his father also happens to have? Nobody even asked me about insomnia problems in the family. He takes the melatonin, that works moderately well. These new techniques the school has given us is working, he's getting better, so why couldn't counciling help even more? I'm not ready to give him the crutch. What if it breaks, and he has no idea what to do? I want to teach my child to learn to use what he has, learn who HE is to the core, if I can, and for him to make mistakes and learn from them,. He's 6 years old, I have time. Maybe when he's older I would consider it again, but not now.
My main problem is that I have a hard time letting go of traditional parenting and tradional child growth. I've done a lot of discovering of my own on how to communicate and parent him, but sometimes when I want him to get in the car I just want him to get in the darn car. Ok, a lot of the time. But yesterday, after a meltdown of not wanting to get in the car, I ASKED him why he doesn't like to go in the car. It took him a few minutes, but he finally told me that it hurts his butt, and I should put a pillow there (his booster seat). Seriously?? Why didn't I know this before? The cushioning on that hard plastic seat is as thick as my fingernail. He just doesn't know how to get past the feeling of anger to express WHY he's angry. All I had to do was ask. How many other things do we fight about that has an easy fix? Have I been making this thing worse? It just never occured to me because most kids would just tell their parents. But he's different, and everyday I'm learning how to be a different kind of parent.
Sorry for this extremely long, unorganized post (venting session), and I hope I didn't offend anyone. I've have a lot of realizations over the last few days, and I am very happy to have found a group that is understanding and sympathetic to my situation. It feels good to know that I'm not alone. I look foward to reading your stories and learning from you all, and sharing this journey with you.
Ginger
I've been poking around this site on and off for many years while my son was undiagnosed, but knowing that my child was different from others even with people closest to me (and even better, strangers) trying to convince me otherwise. It's a little unsettling and darn right frustrating to hear over and over again "oh that's just normal boy stuff" when at home you're practically afraid for everyone's lives (and how the heck you're going to fix everything to get your security deposit back) because of your 2 year old son.
Well, finally, 4 years and 5 daycares later (one in which said she was educated in adhd and had one herself and would never kick him out ... 2 weeks later he was out), I think we're all on the same page. I am forever grateful to the public school, which is the first establishment to actually help us. When they called the emergency meeting a month into the school year, I thought "here we go again". (This poor kid has made so many "friends" just for them to give up on him and leave his life, it makes me so sad). They put him in a 8 week diagnostic Special Education. placement, with notes sent home every day, meetings every two weeks, an outside psychiatric evaluation courtesy of the school, and a plan built especially for him with 3 teachers making modifications everyday. It's been an awfully long journey, but here we are now with over 30 pages of diagnostic results and treatment suggestions.
I thought having a black and white label to prove my child was different would help me feel better, and even vindicated in a sense. Well it didn't, especially the part of the psychiatric evaluation. that states "Evan meets the criteria for both ADHD and Conduct disorder, a common comorbidity. He also manifests the signs and symptoms of ODD, but his misconduct is so profound that the diagnosis of ODD is subsumed and trumped by his diagnosis of CD. That reality is a poor prognostic sign." At first, all I could do was cry. I wanted to believe that a lot of it WAS "normal boy stuff" and it really was supposed to just be this hard ... or maybe I was just doing something wrong? I didn't want it to clinically as bad as I knew in my heart it was. I felt bad for bringing him into this world, I felt bad for the struggle everyone has endured and will continue to endure, and the most obvious person I felt bad for the most was my son himself.
I went to my pediatrician to discuss the outpatient care and sleep study the psychiatric suggested. He very quickly poo pooed all of that, and wrote out two scripts, Focalin XR and Trazadone, without wanting to hear a word I had to say about me needing support and psychoeducation so I can gain some tools to effectively parent my spirited child. He said, "You can give Lance Armstrong a bike, but with flat tires he's not going anywhere. You can have all the tools in the world, but you're trying to ride a broken bike. Try parenting him when the medications make it easier. " He gave me the scripts, and walked out the door. And so did I, not only convinced I needed a new pediatrician, but also feeling centered with a whole new level of determination.
My son is not a broken bike. He is a human being, and he was given to me the way that he is. Now I'm not here to repremand anyone that uses medication on their children ... if it works for you then that's freaking great. This explosive child stuff is hard on a family, and I don't blame anyone for wanting to bring peace into their home. Heck, I take Adderall for my adult ADHD to be a better mother to my child. So don't get me wrong here. I'm just not ready to give up yet. Why would I put him on trazadone for sleep without the darn sleep study? What if it's something completely unrelated to the ADHD (which nobody told me that's what it could be), maybe such as sleep apnea that his father also happens to have? Nobody even asked me about insomnia problems in the family. He takes the melatonin, that works moderately well. These new techniques the school has given us is working, he's getting better, so why couldn't counciling help even more? I'm not ready to give him the crutch. What if it breaks, and he has no idea what to do? I want to teach my child to learn to use what he has, learn who HE is to the core, if I can, and for him to make mistakes and learn from them,. He's 6 years old, I have time. Maybe when he's older I would consider it again, but not now.
My main problem is that I have a hard time letting go of traditional parenting and tradional child growth. I've done a lot of discovering of my own on how to communicate and parent him, but sometimes when I want him to get in the car I just want him to get in the darn car. Ok, a lot of the time. But yesterday, after a meltdown of not wanting to get in the car, I ASKED him why he doesn't like to go in the car. It took him a few minutes, but he finally told me that it hurts his butt, and I should put a pillow there (his booster seat). Seriously?? Why didn't I know this before? The cushioning on that hard plastic seat is as thick as my fingernail. He just doesn't know how to get past the feeling of anger to express WHY he's angry. All I had to do was ask. How many other things do we fight about that has an easy fix? Have I been making this thing worse? It just never occured to me because most kids would just tell their parents. But he's different, and everyday I'm learning how to be a different kind of parent.
Sorry for this extremely long, unorganized post (venting session), and I hope I didn't offend anyone. I've have a lot of realizations over the last few days, and I am very happy to have found a group that is understanding and sympathetic to my situation. It feels good to know that I'm not alone. I look foward to reading your stories and learning from you all, and sharing this journey with you.
Ginger