Fit to be tied...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by in a daze, Jan 22, 2013.

  1. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Our difficult child insisted that he needs to drive his malfunctioning car downtown on a work errand. It's really our car, a 10 year old beater that his sister drove and that he inherited. It's leaking radiater fluid and doing other funny stuff. Not giving him my car, it's going in the shop and I have errands to run. Refuses to call his employer. I will make sure he has his motor club card and some warm clothing as the temp tomorrow will be in the single digits; I will tell him not to call me. He is such a blockhead!So frustrating!

    Another problem...he refuses to stay in his new internet service yet and the tv doesn't work. After his obnoxious behavior Friday morning (in bed when he should be up, etc.)I took the rest of the stuff to his new place and called him at work and told him to stay there from now on. Calls Saturday afternoon, depressed and crying because he has no internet or TV (he has books and DVDS and a player that he could have hooked up )So now he's back at our place. One positive note: He gets up at 9 AM now! no more slacker behavior or he will be out the door once again.

    God give me strength!
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Once the internet and TV are up and running, will he be staying at his new place?
  3. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Hi RE, He has been in the new place since Monday. No internet. No network or cable TV, has a DVD player. There was money in the account he was to use to pay the utilities, but he keeps withdrawing money for who knows what and now there is only 24.00 in there. He keeps complaining that he can't sleep, that the mood stablizer makes him feel numb but when he stops it he gets depressed, that he has no motivation, etc. He is on his second therapist and his fourth psychiatrist.

    I went over there to pick him up this past Friday at 8 15. We were supposed to get two new tires and the oil changed. He was not ready and didn't really want to get the car fixed. He is driving on the donut at present. I give up. I guess I need to leave him to his fate. ( He got a flat in the freezing cold... single digit temperature... and had to call the motor club last week).
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Cuss...wouldn't it be wonderful if we could "just give up"??? Hugs DDD
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know how exasperating it is, believe me. Now that he is in the condo, seemingly making attempts to live independently, are you and your husband clear on what you are now willing to do and what you aren't willing to do? Your son has some issues, however he completed college and holds a part time job. It's difficult to navigate through our adult children's mental illness', it takes some serious negotiating with ourselves and then them. I may have already made this suggestion, but NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness has chapters all over and offers parent support groups as well as lots of excellent information for the families. In order for us to stay sane under these challenging circumstances, it usually becomes necessary to practice some kind of detachment, getting clear on exactly what our boundaries are and keeping ourselves in supportive environments where OUR needs are met.

    You did a good thing getting him his own place so you are not responsible for him in all ways. Now he needs to find the life skills to care for himself. I've found that you have to really dig around to find support where mental illness is involved, but it is out there. Little by little we parents stop the enabling part and recognize the difference between loving support/kindness and codependent behavior which hurts both you and him. A therapist I knew described the difference between loving kindness and enabling as with loving kindness you feel good, with enabling you feel bad, resentful, angry, etc. That's helped me distinguish the difference because as parents of kids with mental issues, it can all get mixed up and we get confused and think we need to help them in all ways. But that robs them of the ability and the self respect of finding their own way. As Janet here says, you have to let them go to let them grow. And, I understand how hard that is too.

    You seem to be moving along the detachment path at a steady does tend to go sideways sometimes, it clearly isn't a linear path, there is love involved, our parental expectations, their actual abilities, our grief over what is lost, our angers about their failure to launch, the impact on the family, and on and on it goes......I feel for you, I know how you feel. You're doing what most of us here do, the best you can, always trying to find ways to help your son while at the same time forcing him to be responsible for himself. No easy task. Sigh. Keep posting, it really helps. We do really get it. (((HUGS)))
  6. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    RE, thank you so much for your words of wisdom and experience. I am very sad right now, as I had a party tonight which was ruined by difficult child'S antics.

    He called me during the party, asking if he could come over and take a shower. He said he was not feeling well. I told him to come over, bring his medicine and a change of clothes. (The hot water does not work real well over there, although some conflict with difficult child and husband as to if or when to fix it.) husband meets him at the door and tells him he cannot stay the night. difficult child stomps out. I call difficult child. He is in tears. husband goes over to condo. difficult child won't let him in the bedroom. I go over to condo wih easy child (daughter). difficult child will not come back with us. Condo very messy. 6 beer bottles and one quart liquor bottle in garbage. difficult child does not seem impaired, although he has a high tolerance. difficult child asks me for ten dollars to get something to eat. He has peanut butter and ramen noodles, etc. I refuse. We leave difficult child in condo.

    difficult child was supposed to have gone up to stay/hang out with his uncle on the North side. States uncle cancelled on him. Uncle called me tonight, said difficult child cancelled, gave some vague excuse.

    I am going to call NAMI on Monday. I tried to email the local chapter one time but they never replied.

    Lots of conflict between difficult child and husband. I don't know what to do about it.
  7. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I try really hard to give up but just can't seem to do it...
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he is using recreational drugs or drinking the prescription drugs won't help much. The other stuff will wipe out it's effects or interact with it and it's not good.

    I had a daughter who used drugs at one time. NEVER GIVE YOUR SON MONEY. If you feel you want to pay for some of his things, do it directly. The money probably went to drugs and alcohol.
    The only one who can change him is him. Have you ever gone to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting? If not, I highly recommend it. You will get good face to face experience and help!

    Personally? For me it helped to stop enabling my daughter. She did quit using drugs. If your son has alcohol issues, he needs to abstain or he will continue to get into trouble. An alcoholic can't keep his drinking under control.
  9. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    I must have missed something because he has his own place but stays at your house. Do you and husband pay for his place? I'm just confused on why he doesn't stay at his place. If it is because of tv and Internet, I know several adults that go without those things. Did he just move in recently? Maybe he doesn't like being alone....not sure. Hopefully he will adjust quickly to the change.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, it does sound as if you need to set some clear ground rules. Your son has all the power and is holding you and your husband hostage with his behavior. Coming over to use the shower when you are having a party is unacceptable behavior. It may be prudent for you and your husband to sit down and decide what boundaries you must have with your son and stick to them. His drinking on top of his illness will exacerbate the behavior, so you need to set some guidelines on his alcohol use where YOU are concerned. It doesn't sound as if he is doing anything for his own recovery. I agree with MWM, if there is substance abuse, he should not have any money from you. If you are helping with the bills, pay them directly. He sounds almost completely dependent on you for what sounds like way too much. These issues are so debilitating to families, it sounds as if you are in the middle of your husband and your difficult child. You guys needs support. 12 step groups like Al Anon, or Codependents Anonymous are so helpful, they also have groups for families. It's good you're calling NAMI, get yourself all the support you can, because in order to detach from our kids, WE need all the support we can get. It's a tough road, but it's necessary for the health of your family and the ultimate well being of your son. He has you tied up in knots trying to figure out how to take care of him when he makes no moves to take care of himself. I know how easy it is to get there, but you have to let go of that kind of thinking and allow him to make his bad choices and suffer the natural consequences of that behavior without stepping in. And, I know it's very hard. Get yourself some support so you can make the changes necessary to detach from your son. I'm sorry this is all happening. However, the good news is that you have reached a point where you realize changes need to be made and you've make good initial steps. Stay the course, learn all you can, learn the tools necessary to detach, get the support, listen to what others in similar boats have done (NAMI parent groups are wonderful) set strict boundaries with him and learn what enabling is so you can stop doing it. ((((HUGS))))
  11. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. I am still working on detachment. It is hard to detach when he calls you up crying, depressed, and saying how lonely he is. He raided the bank account and admitted to blowing a 240.00 check but will not admit to what (probably prescription drugs and booze). He is staying the night tonight and I told him to be up by 9. I know, I shouldn't have done that. My husband is pretty upset that I did. I will go to a Parents Anonymous meeting tomorrw night and call the NAMI chapter.

    He asked me for money for cigarettes and I told him no. I think he's on the phone with his cousin trying to hit him up for another loan. When he's not around, I don't call or text him like I used to.
  12. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Now his plan is to meet his cousin halfway( 12-15 miles) to sell him a video game for 8 dollars so he can have money for cigarettes.

    We told him call the motor club, not us when he runs out of gas or car malfunctions. Detach, Detach, Detach.
  13. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    He ended staying at his place Sunday night. He is off Mondays. He had some people over that night, texted me asking if there were any playing cards at his place. Calls me yesterday (Tuesday) at 1230 PM. Crying, frantic, can't find his Adderal. I was at work, told him nothing I could do about it. Did not go to work. Probably hung over (says his alarm didn't go off?) Brought over 3 days worth tonight. He'll have to take a drug holiday on the weekend. He had different people over when i came over tonight. Relaxed and smiling. Yes, he really needs to stop drinking. Detach, Detach.

    Went to a Parents Anonymous meeting last night. Had not been there in a long time. We really needed it. NAMI meeting is once a month, next one Feb. 5th.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Good God, did you know how badly Adderrall is abused???? Bet he can't find it because he and his friends used it up. My daughter, who was once a drug addict, told me that they crush Adderrall (which is highly coveted on the streets) in a pillcrusher then snort it either alone or with other drugs, particularly coke. I'm shocked your son's psychiatrist gave him a script for that, ADHD or not. My guess is your son is depressed and missing money because he's buying booze and drugs and, with that, goes selling his items hot for drugs (and possibly cigarettes) daughter did all this when she was using and explained it all after she quit. She was also diagnosed with bipolar when she was using drugs, but now that she isn't, she most obviously does not have bipolar. The drugs just made her act like she did. Off the drugs, she is a totally different, highly functional person. You'd be amazed...

    I think you are doing an amazing job at resisting. Nobody can do it all, but you are doing a fairly good job, especially since you are just starting. Never give him money. If he says he's hungry, buy him some food, if you want. All money will probably go to drugs or booze (which is a drug). What he really needs is to admit himself to a mental health facility with an emphasis on drug/booze rehab. You can't help him with that. Seriously, if he were THAT depressed, rather than desperate for drugs, he wouldn't want to socialize and would not have his "friends" over for a gathering. He has it pretty good with you guys picking up his bills and him sometimes blowing money you put in his account for necessities. Keep it up! As I said earlier, I think an Alanon or Narcanon meeting would be really good for you. He is playing you more than you think! Gentle hugs.
  15. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support, MM. Yes, the Adderal is a potential problem. I only give him a week's worth at a time. psychiatric doctor appointment today, will discuss. Maybe needs to switch to Vyanse or something.

    Unfortunately insurance runs out in March. Switching to state program but there will be a six month wait for pre existing condition coverage, which in his case means mental health and substance abuse claims will be priced at negotiated rate but not applied to deductible.

    We have decided to tell him to turn the check over to us on Friday or we are taking the car.