Fosters ready, but I dont' think I am...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Feb 26, 2008.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well I got a call a little bit ago -

    The foster parents called and wanted to take Dude yesterday. We haven't even met them yet. I only knew we were meeting them - NOT packing him off to strangers. I don't know why this seems harder than a group home placement. We have our doubts that this will work, but...

    I said I won't bring his clothes to the meeting tomorrow - and I know the TFP drill - no calls for a month. I'm happy in the respect that he'll be out on his own, I'm sad because he's gone. I think I am nuts.

    Since our "blow up" he's been a different person in ways. It's weird, but it's almost like he needed to have that release to cope with everything else. I will admit that the blow ups are farther and farther apart - and the need for chaos is less and less - Under neeth it all I struggle to see the Dude that everyone else points out to me - he's my kid - my only kid - and while I can call a spade a spade - it's My spade. make any sense?

    I told the caseworker that since these people lived only about 5 miles from us - they could come by the house and get his stuff. He can go from there. He's supposed to go to school M-T 9-12:00. He's supposed to look for a job, he's supposed to continue counseling on Sat. nights - and no one has said if these people are willing to do that.

    We told the psychologist about this TFP thing (therapeutic Foster Parent) and he said he feels it's a mistake. He felt the group home would be better. And we do too - but the group home isn't going to allow him to stay in the same school, live close, get a job, and come home sometimes.

    I guess there is an older child living there - I hope they get along. Dude said he wanted a brother so maybe this is good. This is amazing - I've placed puppies with more of an interview. (I know- I know - quit grumbling - he's out right?)

    If you think about it say a little prayer for Dude - thanks
    You can say a smaller prayer for me - I'm pretty sure I'm loosing my marbles.

  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Prayers being said Star.
    Prayers that Dude's outbursts continue to get fewer and farther between
    Prayers for you to have peace

  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    A big hug---and a shovel to put the marbles all back where they belong. I found some a little while ago rolling around on my floor. I'll mail 'em to you ASAP. But wait---what if they're really mine---oh well, I'll let you have 'em anyway!!!!

    Star----it's a chance. Another chance. And that's all it is. Don't hope for salvation---don't hope for miraculous---just give him this chance.

    The good thing----he is five miles away. The bad thing----he is five miles away.

    I know it hurts to have to let him go---again. But if you keep "losing them marbles" you won't have any left to play the game. And since my difficult child has reached to ripe old age of 19 (almost 20) and I still get to play---it may be a while for you.

    Hugs---and all that jazz
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Saying prayers and crossing everything.
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Starbie - As always, you and Dude and DF are in my prayers.

    I've said I don't know how many times in the past week that I want a crystal ball. I want to know that the choices I'm making (by the seat of my pants) make sense, are in the kid's best interest, and will work. At this point? I'm pretty sure I'm clueless about just about everydarnthing. The choices we have to make are impossible.

    Your instincts have been pretty spot on over the years. Trust yourself.

    Many gentle hugs, much strength, and ... a replacement coming your way.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    It's not surprising that you have such mixed feelings, Star. His actions make life with him unbearable but you understand that for him it's even worse and it breaks your Mommy heart. And besides, you love him.

    Like EW said, "it's a chance." Every chance is a gift to both of you. A gift to help Dude grow and a gift to help you heal and continue to love him. I'm sending good wishes and lots of hugs.

  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Star my prayers are with you guys too! You are a trouper. We are all in this together.
  8. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Mixed feelings are definitely understandable. Seven years ago, for different reasons we were in this same situation. I really didn't see a difference between TFP and regular FP's, save therapists coming to the TFP home. All you can do is cross your fingers, keep your eyes and ears open, continue advocating for your son and think positive. May this be the placement that he flourishes in!

    I just wanted to tell you Star that over the years, different words you wrote to me have meant so much. Early on when I first came to this site, you explained to me about how my difficult child felt being adopted and how it could affect her thinking and actions. You really helped me. Thank you!
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Prayer for you and Dude said.
    I agree, conflicted feelings are understandable. (hugs).
  10. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Just got caught up on your latest, Star. Adding my prayers & sending (((HUGS)))

    .....and I might have some spare marbles around here somewhere, if you want...

  11. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Star, I understand your being conflicted but the big question should be what is best for Dude? He can stay with you until he starts acting up again. No matter what, he will shout, scream, call you names again. It's the nature of the beast -- not just Dude but being a teenage boy. Testosterone will win out if nothing else does. At that point, you'll be right back to he has to be gone, you can't take it and you're right -- right now, it is too much for you to handle. Too much has happened.

    Having him go now because that was what the plan was has got to be better for him psychologically. Imagine the message he gets if you let him stay, he acts out and you have to shove him out the door for your health and sanity. Something like Mom only loves me when I'm not me, when I'm this perfect kid. I'm a total loser, why should I bother trying. Those are not the messages you want him to have.

    A foster home may not be the best choice but, who knows, with you being so close to give him support and love, it might just work. I'd be checking the credentials of this family, though. Just because someone says they're a TFH doesn't make it so. For a kid like Dude, they need to have some serious training, not just a willingness to take on a seriously troubled teenager. However, that you will be close by, can support both the family and your son has got to be factored in. It just might make the difference.

    It stinks to have to listen to our head rather than our hearts. This is one time I think the head has to prevail -- for your survival, for the better message to Dude, for the chance it will give him.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Sending hugs and saying prayers.

    I can understand the mixed emotions. His behavior makes him impossible to live with, but he's still Dude, your son, and you love him.

    I hope this turns out to be a good thing for him.

  13. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    Many hugs coming your way. Your marbles are all intact, it is your heart that is in little pieces right now. :( Sending our difficult children away, even when they are making us crazy at times, is never easy. :( It seems that I would go into my "good memory tunnel" whenever husband and I thought about it and forget most of the bad ... until the last time.

    It is another chance for dude, and you, and if it isn't right... you will know it and do something about it. You always have in the past my friend.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you both and here are some more hugs... ((((((Star & Dude)))))
  14. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Will keep my fingers and anything else thats crossable (not much due to my age) that this works out for Dude. It may be "the" opportunity, it may not, but you never know unless you try.

  15. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Well the meeting went well (thanks for the prayers and extra marbles) lol.

    The man is just a good, down to earth kinda man. His wife wasn't there. He seemed nice and just said he's a good old country man - but wise to kids. I'm thinking he may know a thing or two. He told Dude they have 2 main rules - no cursing in the house because they have little kids around - and everyone goes to church on Sunday. Well that is fine - Dude likes church and it wasn't like a forced thing - he just has his beliefs and limits and laid it out - that was good.

    They did agree despite it being harder for them to take Dude to School M-T and pick him up - we offered to help whenever we could and said we would take care of all the probation stuff. The office people & case worker said - No contact for a month - sigh - I knew it.

    But in the end - Dude seemed like he would be okay - they're going to help him with budget, getting a job and the things the other place was supposed to - and on the QT away from the caseworkers - he said "I'll call and let you know how he's doing - because a month is a long time." and I liked that He also said that we are a first for them - that he's never had a foster with parents who made him a little more at ease with Dude and his situation.

    So all in all - it went okay - prayers answered. My Mommy heart got together with my Mommy stomach and did the trampoline marathon during the entire meeting - with me trying to sound cool - and collected, I would hate to see a video tape - I'm sure what I thought I said was intelligible - but I think it came out like "Blargh.....blab bloing ldkjgp09.....azatha g.....err" yea something like that.

    Thanks again all - He goes Friday - that was his terms - he said he wasn't SO ready to leave today - and his friend is still there - they talked about how cool it would be to live together and then laughed at that....thought...after they said it. DF and I got a chuckle out of it too.

    Hugs - marbles - (I really liked that butterfly one but MY GOSH the price of marbles has gone sky high - $89.00?) Wholey smokes.

    STar balrgh alkjdf= 139ui4.....coiadjggg....dddrrrrrr....beeber....glaaaa.
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    The month will be hard with him just 5 miles down the road. Wow, I can't imagine that, but...after that initial month, this could work out. You've already said you see some positive things is Dude. His time at home hasn't been entirely for naught. Perhaps that 5 miles will be far enough to keep things stable and close enough to keep things stable (does that even make sense?)
    Maybe its not the best situation, but I do see where it could have some positives.
  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Marbles$(@)(@!+#)marble()(#*@*&^$*@&@#and then)#*!!_()#*@knsdzndf00q93824qw94q30w-4hugs XOXOXOXO, you are amazing,XOXOXOXO, more MARBLES, @($*$)@*!(#$*@*&!*&!
    I hope this is it for awhile... hugs to all of you!!!
  18. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member


    Glad there is a solution for guys have gone thru it all. Prayers to all.
  19. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Crossing my fingers that this placement is going to be much more positive for Dude than the previous one was!! (I won't say it can't be any worse, cuz ya know that goofy board jinx/curse thing) Wishing you & Dude all the best!

  20. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm thrilled that there is a fresh approach available and a reason to be hopeful that Dude's needs will be met. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers. DDD