Gave my son is documents/wants college but no way

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by dayatatime, Apr 13, 2017.

  1. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    I have been pretty firm with boundaries with my son. I'm just honestly not interested in talking to him. He wanted his ss card and birth certificate-- I have put him off every time in the past when he has asked for them because they aren't safe with him and the things he plans to do with them aren't safe. He will loose them. He should not have a driver's license.

    But in the big detaching plan I handed them over today. When he came to pick them up it's just like a like gust of hostility and shattered nerves crashed into and around my house. He is really not doing well. He got a prescription for benzos from a doctor a couple weeks ago- maybe that has to do with it... but then alonon would say my part isn't even to get involved with speculating about what's going on for him-- I can just stay on my own side of the street. My side is that I do not want much contact.

    He plans of returning to school full time in the fall. Back when he was attending therapy with me I told him I would pay for one class over the summer-- then the financial aid will cover full time in the fall. But I thought it was smarter to let him dip a toe into the water. I have serious doubts about whether he can even handle one class. I don't think he can.

    I'm going to mostly honor that promise to pay because I said I would do it. I am never committing to any other single thing for him ever again. (That might prove untrue... but I hope to be closer to that direction.) Turns out the class costs about twice as much as we thought it would-- and I can't afford it. He said he's going to figure out a way-- how much am I good for. I told him what I had been expecting to pay.

    So today when he storms in he says he's going to get a loan to pay for the rest, and that loan is a sure thing because it will be against the fin aid surplus money he will get in the fall. This makes no sense to me on every level. First, he should just wait until the fall instead of incurring debt, but before that-- he seems to have no real plan for how he is going to get this loan-- it's from student aid one moment (though he didn't apply for summer), and from "any bank" the next. I see no concrete steps or plan.

    But he did tell me that he needs my portion of the money because he needs to buy the book and a metro card and meals. He was raising his voice at me-- trying to get me to look on the computer and see that he is actually enrolled. He has no concept of when the money might be due....

    I stuck with- I am willing to pay the school.

    He was cursing at me, demanding to know why I am so illogical. He want me to think about why he can't communicate with me-- it's not a rhetorical question.... he really wants to know.....

    His body movements are off. His pupils are huge.

    He showed me this letter he got from his psychiatrist that I feel judgmental about-- it says that he's being treated for anxiety and depression and his symptoms are going to mean that he can't always show up to class or turn in assignments. It says that he lacks organizational skills, and that he won't ask for help because he assumes others won't help him.... that it will result in him not following directions.....

    I would love for my son to be able to attend school- but I really don't understand this sort of accommodation-- that even in the context of the very low standards of community college, he isn't be able to meet basics.... and should somehow be enabled.

    I'm just trying to stay out, then further out, then even further out.

    I don't contact him, but he seems to call me almost every day. Earlier today he wanted to know if I had any friends who are lawyers because he has a class action suite against the agency in whose care he is.....

    As he was leaving he was talking me about how he has to go around starving and begin people to swipe him onto the subway-- that it's humiliating and like he's a bum and I could change all that so easily.

    I feel bad for him, and I realize he is sick, but I want him to leave me alone. I refused to buy him a sandwich when he was over today. He could have taken a power bar from my house, but he didn't want one. ...and really I don't want him coming to me for anything.

    He chooses not to work- ...or he's too sick to work? I'm sure he's too high to work.....

    I'm much better when he stays away.

    I now have a contract for a house that's an hour from where I currently live (same neighborhood son hangs out in). He knew I was looking, but I haven't even told him. I look forward to one day quietly mentioning that I live somewhere else now.
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Can you tell him you will pay for each class he passes? I would hate for him, and you, to waste a lot of money if he won't give a good effort.

    We have told our daughter to apply for a school loan, which we will pay immediately after the class is over and she has passed...

    Ksm
     
  3. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    KSM, what a smart plan.

    I think it's a little late for that now- but I wish I would have thought of it before telling him I'd pay. Maybe I will waste the money- that's likely- if he does manage to get started in the class- but I doubt he will even make it that far.

    He had a full ride with a lot of surplus money because he's an official ward of the state- but he failed most of his first semester then dropped out just after the second semester got started- so he then owed the school the fun aid money he had accepted for the semester he didn't attend. I paid the school just before it went to collections because I didn't want him starting out in life with debt over his head- it seemed like the right thing to do at the time- something I could do for him that would actually be long-term helpful.

    The same thing is likely to happen this attempt at school. I'm not bailing him out this time.
     
  4. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Good job not giving in to his attempted manipulations. Giving money to an active drug user for school is basically flushing it down the toilet, as you've already discovered.
     
  5. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I'm shocked a doctor's note would say that? As we know college really doesn't care, u don't do the work you fail, they keep the money.

    I'm so sorry, he does sound very high and doesn't bring out his best at all obviously!

    Kudos to you for having your boundaries.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Just another perspective.

    My daughter had to take out loans along with getting grsnts to go to school. She is going yo be a police officer and is close to being doe with school and going to the police academy. We did not have money to pay for her, but she only has maybe $5000 in debt because she chose a tech school. Thats not so much to pay back and she will definitely get a job. She doesnt complain. She works and goes to school and never once came to us for money. Even when we offer to buy her things she says "I can pay for my own stuff." She does live with her fiance and he has a good job so that helps. But she got her loan and grants before she met him.

    Do you think your son will go so far into college that he will have an enormous debt or do you just not trust him to get a job and pay it off?

    Remember, whatever you do, never give HIM money. A drug addict or enthusiastic user even of pot will take that money for college and spend it on drugs. Unless you are s gazillionaire dont do that.

    To all, please understand this is just my perspective. I think if kids work for their things they appreciate them more and if they wont work for them, they dont really want it. We want it for them. They have to want it just as much.

    Our kids will get what they really want to get. They are never short of ways to buy drugs and most drugs arent cheap. One week of certain drugs is one college class.

    Do they even appreciate what we give them?

    So......just my two cents. For better or for worse.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2017
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    by the way, if he is too disabled to really work he can apply for Disability.

    Actually state colleges do follow IEPs for certain kids but it has to 5be discussed and worked out and i doubt you can not turn in work and pass.

    I think you are on the right path. Dont go through your retirement to do something you are pretty sure will backfire.

    Your son cam spend his financial aid on anything...hope he spends it rightly.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2017
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree with the rest. You did good. I think that if you believe he will misuse the money and hurt himself, you have a right and obligation to withdraw the "promise" which is really to my way of thinking contingent. There is a greater good here, which is implicit: The good of your son, and that you not feel you contributed to his doing harm to himself, you or others.
     
  9. dayatatime

    dayatatime Member

    I think I'm just bit wiser now than I was when I made the promise. And my boundaries get stronger. Today he asked to come over so I could help him look for loans, etc-- I said no.

    Where I'd still like to improve: He found a credit card he is thinking of applying for to cover the balance-- he asked me what I thought of it-- when I told him that I didn't think it was good idea and that a credit card shouldn't involve a monthly fee (which this one does), and that it makes more sense to me to just wait until Fall when he can go to school for free.... He lashed into how I am so negative about anything he does, etc etc.

    He has a way of asking a lot of questions, thinking he's setting me up-- or pathologizing my reactions his abusive behavior- he has cortisone in his blood stream so it's natural for him raise his voice and lash out at me, call me a b*tch. What's unnatural is that I can't stand the slightest bit of conflict and ask him to leave my house....

    I know that engaging in that isn't going to work-- he's totally hyped up and in the midst of going off when he tells me things like that....

    I don't want to just block his number, but I'm not sure what I want. Here, I just said, no, I do not want to get together. Sometimes he lashing into "why... why not...." demanding explanations. I just keep saying No.... but that doesn't really work for me because I keep being the recipient of his hostility.

    Eventually he took my NO- and congratulated me for winning the mother of the year award- won't even help my own son.....

    Maybe self-care is the antidote? I did go on to have a nice day. And I am going to have a nice day today, and I am so grateful that I don't have to see him.


    SOMEWHERE- As far as his disability.... I have no idea. He is seeing this psychiatrist now, but he hasn't even had therapy for the last couple years. I think it's bull that he could be too disabled work but not doing what he needs to do to recover-- which, in my eyes, is therapy.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Day, remember if he can cash in money on a credit card, he will buy drugs so dont help him get one. Dont co-sign for him. I wouldnt even help him look. If he wants one that badly, he can get one on his own and do the work. He is smart. He doesnt need you to make decisions for him.

    Once they turn 18 or so, we no longer have to be mother of the year. Dont even take his manipulation seriously. He wants a mommy, not a mother, someone to cheer his bad decisions, make excuses for him and most importantly help him get money without working for it. Any debt he incurs he wont pay. He cant. He doesnt have a job and has the expense of buying drugs.

    Remember that he is not that once cute lttle boy who loved you so much with hugs and kisses. He is an adult male with a deep voice, an Adams apple, height, probably muscles and hair all over. Your mommy days are over. You cant kiss it and make it better. Yes, you still love him and always will but he is a man. The real world will treat him like one.

    I feel you are thinking more clearly now. Think drugs until he has clearly been sober and productive for a few years. Otherwise any money he gets will not be used as you intended. You dont want to help him find creative ways to buy drugs, do you? I know you dont.

    Have a great Easter. Try to detach today and have fun! You and your son are different people. You love him lots, but he is not you. Remember that and find peace.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 16, 2017
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Dayatatime.

    So sorry to hear what you are going through. You do sound very strong. Good for you! It is hard to get to where you are.

    My son just relapsed on benzos. He has so much determination when he wants something that if he JUST used it for the greater good there is no limit to what he could accomplish!! The benzo abuse makes everything worse naturally so who even knows what the real issues are. My son has anxiety and depression too.

    I wish someone had told us about the option of having our son be a ward of the state when he was a minor and doing all his deeds. I would have done that in a heartbeat but I didn't know it was even an option.

    My son has not been able to complete a semester in a community college either. Right now we have to do a medical withdrawal of the class he was getting a B in and only had a few weeks to go and now he is in residential treatment. I honestly don't think he can complete a semester unless he is in sober living so why bother. Really a commitment to sobriety must come first. I'm starting to realize that.
     
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    dayatatime, would you accept that behavior from anyone else? He is abusing you verbally and emotionally and will continue to do so until you make it stop.

    Blocking him doesn't have to last forever. Try it a week at a time. Tell him that the next time he talks to you inappropriately, you will block his texts and calls for a week and then he can try again. If he does it again, block him for another week. If you are strong and carry through, he will get the message that you will not accept being treated like that and will stop if he wants to stay in contact with you.

    I had to do that with my daughter. You need to learn to set clear, firm boundaries with your son. No one deserves to be mistreated whether it is from a stranger or a loved one. I had to get the help of a therapist to learn how to set and hold firm boundaries.

    ~Kathy
     
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