Vligrl,
This is not an uncommon situation where a difficult child drives a wedge between parents. To a drug using, manipulative person who has their own best interest at heart, it makes sense to play one parent against the other. It's just so hurtful when they make you look like an overreactive hysteric. difficult child sees that he can transfer the brunt of the negative attention from his drug use to the issue of his "crazy mother." So now, you're experiencing emotional abuse while dealing with your son's drug abuse. If you and your husband agreed to drug test difficult child, and told him this, then your husband backing out is a huge victory for difficult child. Your son will not stop using if the home environment is so easily manipulated. Your ultimatums are meaningless. Therapy for you and husband would be the most productive thing right now. Our difficult child was a minor when all the drug stuff was happening, and husband and I were definitely not on the same page - not even in the same book. When difficult child turned 18, husband had an epiphany and things changed pretty quick around here. difficult child is now in therapy, has been drug free all summer, and most importantly, he's not hanging around with the drug using crowd he used to run with. It is hard for him, however, and he returns to school in a few weeks, where he will be around a variety of using and non-using people, but if his grades and attitude falter due to drugs, we stop supporting him. That's the bottom line.
If pot is demotivating your son, I can't imagine that he would be successful at Jr. College or anywhere else. I hope husband recognizes that enabling the drug use is hurting, not helping your son, and that your son already has plenty of enabling"buddies" - what he needs is two united parents.