Girlfriend has a clueless husband and could use a backbone....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by gcvmom, Apr 2, 2009.

  1. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    A friend whom I've known for coming up on 25 years called me bright and early this morning (6:45am -- before my alarm even goes off) and started to leave a message because I didn't hear the phone ring.

    I called her back because what little info was left made no sense to me.

    But before I tell you the reason she called, you need a little background.

    Her husband is a difficult child. Make that G-F-G. Not sure what all his issues are, but hoarding is one of them and socially awkward is another. To give you an idea, he buys up cereal when it's on sale and he has a coupon so that it's essentially free. Which is great, and I try to do that when I can. But he has hundreds of boxes stacked in his house, garage, where ever they can fit. And the majority of it goes bad and cannot be eaten, he keeps it that long. And this is only one of the things he hoards (newspapers, motor oil, bike innertubes, books, old clothing, etc.). The other example I have is that on their WEDDING DAY, he talked his best man into stopping at a quickmart on the way to the church so he could grab a couple of cheap hotdogs because they were having a special on them that day. And was consequently LATE and got ketchup and mustard on his tuxedo shirt.

    Okay. 'Nuff said. He's a difficult child.

    Today is his birthday. He traditionally takes the day off work to go skiing, and there's an added bonus at some of the local resorts where you get a free lift ticket on your birthday. Last year he took his 2nd grader son with him and the kid essentially got a private snowboarding lesson because they were there mid-week. They had a lot of fun, so they'd planned to do this again today.

    But today, his son woke up with a 102 degree temperature. And today was his wife's (my friend's) last training day for her census job so she had to be somewhere (the class happens to be in my town and they live a couple towns over). He had the audacity to ask her to call me to see if I would come pick up their son at the class site at 8:30am and watch him so HE could go skiing.

    If we completely ignore the fact that the kid is very sick, there's still the issue that I'm still shuttling kids to school at 8:30am, and to complicate things further, I had a meeting at difficult child 2's school today at 10am which I obviously could NOT take the boy to, and I did NOT feel comfortable leaving him alone at my house. He's only in 3rd grade, and HE'S SICK!

    I gently asked my friend to not be offended if I declined her request and said I felt that this was one of those times when her husband might not be able to do exactly as he wanted. I said I was sorry, and told her she should talk to him again. If push came to shove and she REALLY needed this favor from me, I'd do it, but I really felt her husband should step in and be a parent today. She more or less agreed and said that he had mumbled something about staying home if he absolutely had to. And then she started to recount the times she's had her own birthday plans thwarted because of something unexpected that's come up and she just made the best of things.

    I guess I'm just shocked that she would even consider for a moment that it would be okay for me to do this while putting my own family's health in jeapordy so her husband could go play. And I also feel sorry for her that she can't find the backbone to tell her husband when he's an asinine fool.

    Okay, thanks for letting me get that off my chest!
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    OMG! I think I know him! Is his first name ... never mind. That guy never lived out there....

    So sorry.

    That takes some gonads...
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ok...what a horses hind end. Ya know...I could see if he had to be in some big important meeting with the bosses boss and he couldnt call out from work for his kid. I can see then if they called you for this big favor. I cant see calling for "can you keep my really sick kid because I wanna go play instead of take care of my responsibilities".
  4. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I think it will take a lot more than your friend just developing a backbone! That may make her feel a little better but I'll bet it doesn't really change anything. This guy needs some serious help! For one thing, he sounds like a first-class 'hoarder' like some of the people who've been on "Dr. Phil"! Anybody who buys so much cereal that it's stacked up to the rafters has a real problem!

    And the other ... I don't know what you call it, the psychological term, but on that part, he sounds exactly like my ex-husband, and that stuff will drive you crazy! What HE wanted was all that mattered - how it affected anyone else didn't matter to him in the least. It was totally selfish behavior. Everything was about HIM and his personal comfort and having his every desire fulfilled - and everybody else be damned! When our daughter got married, it was only because we threatened his life that he didn't walk her down the aisle jacketless and with his shirt sleeves hiked up to his elbows ... because he was more comfortable that way! He spent half his paycheck on silly stuff HE wanted while the bills went unpaid because he "worked every day and he was entitled"! He didn't hesitate to put people on the spot and ask for extravagant inconvenient favors, everything from borrowing money to using their car - because HE wanted it and he didn't care how it affected them. He felt like they owed it to him and that's all that mattered to him! It boils down to being totally self-centered and selfish and caring not one tiny iota about anyone else! Sound familiar? I have no idea what you call this kind of behavior, but it's absolutely crazy-making to be married to someone like that. And it won't change just because your friend stands up to him.
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2009
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Okay, makes me feel a lot better to have my subtle outrage validated! :D

    She called me a little bit ago and asked if her husband had called me today. (He hasn't). She told him to call me and tell me that he was going to stay home with the boy.

    Well, turns out, he took off with his sick son (no note) and we're both thinking he decided to go skiing afterall. Whether the kid went skiiing or got left in the car all afternoon is anybody's guess. I'm sure I'll find out more later.

    The sad thing is that I don't think my friend realizes just how crazy and dysfunctional her life is. She had all kinds of rationalizations for his behavior, too. I'm sorry, I don't buy it. He's totally selfish! I just figured if she learned to stand up to him she might feel a bit more empowered instead of at the mercy of his whims. I guess all I can do is remind her that she has a choice in how she deals with everything that happens in her life.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It does sound very dysfunctional. I sure hope that he didn't end up taking him skiing when he was so sick! Poor kid!
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This guy sounds like a first class loser. He also sounds like he has some major mental illness going on. The hoarding can be a real problem. At least he isn't hoarding cars (a friend of mine found that her father in law had over 25 cars stored all around the town tehy live in!!.

    I am so sorry that they had the nerve to wake you up before 7 am with that request. It is one thing if the friend wants to live her life coping with that behavior. It is a whole new ballgame to start taking it into YOUR life, as if you have nothing better to do than watch their sick kid so the guy can play. As far as husband and I are concerned you gave up your right to play like that when you got pregnant. Both of you gave it up. Sure, if things are all going well and tehre is free time and extra $$, go for it. But NOT if all conditions are not ok.

    I hope that the child wasn't dragged around sick all day. If he was I would consider calling CPS anonymously. It isn't healthy or safe for the child to be taken skiing or dragged around like that all day. Esp not with a fever that high. Maybe someone outside the situation (like a CPS worker) could help your friend see how unhealthy the situation is for everyone in the home.

    Maybe I have a hard line on this, but it just truly seems like everyone is sacrificing so Dad can be an entitled baby. The kids cannot stop it, but it has to damage them. I hate to see that go on.

    on the other hand, I hope that they just had a peaceful day at home with the phones turned off so that they could rest and chill out. (Wishful thinking, but I can hope!)

    Hugs, you are a good friend for being concerned about the child.

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Maybe he took the boy to grandma?
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I didn't really grow a "backbone" with husband until 10 yrs or so into the marriage. It wasn't so much that I didn't see what was going on, as I avoided confrontation as much as possible. Big things would cause me to confront him and hash it out, but something like this........I might ask a friend, but certainly not one that lives so far away nor if my child was sick.

    This sort of thing gets old eventually. And when it does, her husband better watch out cuz she won't be putting up with it anymore.

    Sometimes I think husband believes I did a Dr Jeckle/ Mr. Hyde thing on him. lol He tends to watch his own behavior of late because he knows I'll call him on it in a heartbeat.

    You did the right thing declining to help your friend. Explaining why you declined also helps her to see how "off" her husband's behavior really is. Things like this situation will bring about that "evantuality" alot faster, believe me.

    husband used to be a hoarder when I met him. He doesn't get the chance these days. If he doesn't use it, I toss it out. Right now I have a massive stamp collection in my way in the rec room. It's all over the place....I've already warned him to clean it up and organize it or it's going up on ebay and I'm selling the whole lot. I could care less that it's probably worth several thousand dollars.

    You helped your friend alot.

  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    If you call me at some ungodly hour off MY schedule - you had better be maimed or in the ER. Maybe he should start collecting and hoarding brass balls because it seems he already has a good collection going.

  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yeah, that's nervy. I'm so glad you told her that you couldn't possibly and that he should. It makes me wonder why a wife would acquiesce to her H at a time like that. Ick, made me feel like she is his mommy or something. Next up: She needs to rent a dumpster and start throwing out all the bad cereal, etc.