Giving it back

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by carolanne, Mar 27, 2008.

  1. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    Becky is in a total rip the last couple days. Her mouth has certainly gotten the best of her.

    I spent easter weekend asking for the kids' laundry so they could have clean clothing this week but requests fell on deaf ears. Becky said every time I asked "I'll do it later", or "I'm busy" I quit asking.

    The other night at 9:30 she asks me to do a load of jeans and a lightbulb literally went off over my head..."I'll do it later"...she was so ticked off it was actually funny.

    Yesterday she asks 7pm..."I'm busy"....I reply and she just totally lost it.

    Started ranting that I was lazy, always had a migraine, tired all the time....I didn't say a word. She went on to say that she hates it here, dad and I always fight, I am always yelling at little guy...yada yada yad. She continues..."I am going to leave."..

    Bingo! I put down my coffee and walked to the closet, handed her coat to her, gave her $5 and opened the front day..

    As she is pulling on shoes, I look her straight in the eye and state very clearly and firmly without yelling

    "You have the ability to walk out this door. But you will not be coming back through it. Once you leave, you don't live here anymore and will not walk back in when you feel like you have proven a point to me. You are 100% responsible for your own welfare which includes rent, food, clothing, transportation and all the other things that are provided for you here and provided with love. You will not treat me the way your sister did. You need to know the second your foot hits the front walk this door will be locked."...and I walked away.

    Several minutes later, she is quietly walking up to her room. I never heard her leave for school today....and she is very noisy and inconsiderate of others sleeping....she quietly closed the front door instead of slamming...

    I am much stronger than she realizes and my home is run by caring loving adults...if this isn't what she wants, she is more than welcome to find it somewhere else....but the door will be locked.

  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Way To Go Warrior Mom!!!!!!

  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Wow!!! I am so seriously impressed. Not sure what impresses me more, your beautiful words (and they were beautiful, you know) or the fact she didn't leave (mine would have been gone in a heartbeat just to show me she could).
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Carole Ann,

    I am so glad to see you - I posted a few days ago to see how you were doing - but I was having posting glitches - it's like withdrawls - but worse. lol.

    I loved EVERYTHING you said up to the part where you compared her to her sister. (in essence) It's hard not to do - but in a child's eyes/ears it comes off like - YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR SISTER. And well - I dont' think Becky is.

    Instead of saying "You will not treat me the way your sister did" - If it comes up again? Maybe say 'I will NOT be treated disrespectfully in my home or in my life by YOU or anyone else."

    Considering ALL you have gone through lately??? I'm just amazed at your calm demeanor!

    -oh and I'm too busy to wash your jeans? SHOOT! I wish I would have thought of that one! lol

  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful



    I am impressed. You handled that situation beautifully.

    I've always told my kids the eldest child has it rough. They are usually the child the parent learns all their lessons with. So when other children attempt the same behavior, parent is ready and not going to tolerate it.

    I think Becky just realized this one.

  6. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    This is exactly what I need for today! Last night a very good friend dropped by for a chat and to watch the hockey game with me. Becky and Kate were so rude and disrespectful it was shameful for me.

    Becky kept on that it was my fault her project wasn't finished for school because I didn't go out and buy a printer and was swearing at me...I asked her several times to stop and go to her room which was just ignored; Kate was told no more candy at 8pm and immediately ran to the kitchen and stuffed her mouth full of it and turned around and wagged her bottom in my face...I have never been so embarrassed and ashamed of my kids before. It was devastating to be treated this way in my own home.:(

    The disrespect from the two of them is overwhelming and I am putting my foot down tonight. There are new rules in place now....and consequences will be swift.

    I have had more than enough of these two making me feel like I am worthless. My little guy is starting to do it and it's their influence and I will not have it any more!!!!

    It was hurtful to be over at my friend's place today and have her tell me that my kids aren't welcomed in her home because they were so rude.(not that my girls care cause they say they don't like her anyway). But for a friend to tell me that she was embarrassed for me brought me to tears....

  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Huge ((((hugs)))) and good for you for standing up and demanding respect.

    Seems like the girls are testing the waters, knowing what difficult child got away with, and seeing if they can too. Fairly typical kid behavior, but like you said you certainly don't want it to continue.

    I think my lucky stars that easy child was the oldest. Oh, she did her fair share of teen stupid stuff, but nothing major the two difficult children could attempt to copy.

    Teen girls are hard. Hang in there.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I used to believe that in order to get respect you had to give respect. And I do. I am respectful to everyone I meet. Or I try to at least treat them no matter who they are like I want to be treated.

    Your girls would not treat their friends like they treat you. They wouldn't treat a potential boy friend like they treat you. If I have any idea of how you feel - most days they would literally treat a total STRANGER nicer than they treat their own Mom. And then I asked myself WHY?

    The answer is simple - My son treated me like he did because I allowed him to. I felt so much guilt over his childhood and what his biofather did to him that I over compensated and over looked so many things for so long that it became habit.

    In your case (guessing) you've been dealing with difficult child, her pregnancy shennanigans, her life and her disruptive behaviors so long - these other two have seen it and think - HEY I'm going to try that. And so they do with you but not with a stranger because if they pulled the same crud on a stranger do you think the stranger would say "Now that isnt' nice?" or "Go to your room!" heck no - a stranger is going to give it back to them like they dished it out...that's what keeps them from doing it to others.

    The fact that you like this friend and that you value her opinion made it all the more painful for you, but you know your friend is right. She loves you and since she can't/won't say anything to your girls about how they treat you she did the only thing she could to salvage your friendship. She won't have them back anymore. She won't have to listen to someone she loves and cares about be belittled. I feel for you but think she's a true friend. I am not able to hold my tongue with rude children and will speak my mind in my own home.

    As far as lowering the boom - Good for you. Lay it on the line sister. I would (as your friend) tell you that if your girls are going to continue their charades and level of disrespect? They are bored and don't have enough to do. YOU on the other hand may sit and watch them clean, do laundry, wash walls, scrub floors, wash your car, vaccum it out - clean out the garage - drop them off to volunteer at an animal shelter or a good will or salvation army. I'd call the school and ask the guidance counselor what programs are available that need volunteers and I'd farm them out until they could keep their mouths SHUT in an adult conversation and if they DID want to do something in my friends home it would be with MAY I and THANK you plus PLEASE.

    I AM BEHIND YOUR REVOLUTION 100% - Tell 'em you're either going to put your foot DOWN or UP - their choice - but make sure for the crud they pulled at your friends home - THAT THERE IS A PUNISHMENT.

    Shaking your butt with a mouth full of candy? GUESS WHAT - there is the clock - you will stand in front of me for ONE HOUR with a mouth full of something and shake your hiney to the wall for the full hour - then we'll see how much you like to shake your booty - ONE WHOLE HOUR of non stop shaking.......and you sit on the couch...and hum or knit or read a book only stopping to tell her GET SHAKIN' - you thought it was all the rage at 'friends' house -

    As for the one who has told you you cost her her grade because you didn't buy a printer? I would say ONE MONTH without a computer access is fine. No printer ? Shouldn't need a computer either.....she can walk to the public library and use their computers AND GUESS WHAT? THEY have printers!! Lucky her.

    Then stick to it - Don't engage in a battle of explaining - YOU SAID IT - NOW THEY DO IT and you don't explain any more - PERIOD!!!! DETACH, DETACH, DETACH -
    And tell them they can send all their complaints to the two little darlings who showed up last night at the friends house and were SO incredibly rude.

    THEN a task for BOTH of them - and that will conclude the punishment for being jerks. And tell them whatever it is you want - maybe clean your car in and out - then leave a bucket and cleaner out for them and a vaccum and say YOU HAVE ONE HOUR.

    And if they don't complete THAT? Fine - NOW you are taking away TV from each for a week.

    NO SECOND CHANCES - get busy!

    YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!
  9. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    I printed off chore charts today. One for each kid even my little guy. Put them on the fridge and said "in order for me to pay an allowance, you need to earn an allowance. for every time I have to tell you to do a chore, you will lose money. Allowances will be paid bi-weekly as in the real world....don't do the work, you don't get paid". Of course there was plenty of eye rolling but tough.

    The worst thing? Becky has trashed her $300 cell phone. She destroyed the port that is required to recharge it...and it will cost quite a bit to fix. I told husband about it and her lack of respect regarding the cost to repair and he said fix it. Becky of course heard this and started laughing.

    I took the phone and put it in my lockbox and told her she will not get it back, it will not be fixed and I do not have a problem paying the monthly fee(I am locked in) for the next three years. I took away computer privleges as well for the snottiness.

    As for husband? I asked to speak to him away from the kids....and told him he needed to stop putting his daughter ahead of his wife or I would walk out and file for divorce. I went on to tell him I am not a second class citizen and demand respect as his wife. I told him I have given you 20 years of my life to raise your children, clean your home and cook your have 30 days to figure out if you want it to be another 20 years with someone willing to love and care for you....if things haven't changed, I will file for divorce and I walked away.

    I spent some time talking with my friend and laid it all out....she said she wasn't surprised at how bad it really is and said she is here as MY friend to do what she can but that I need to do what I need to do to be the person I want. If that requires me to live in an apt with my two youngest while husband raises B better than me( he says it all the time) than that's what it takes...

  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Carolanne is woman, hear her roar! I hope you are standing tall. Because you should be.

  11. Star*

    Star* call 911


    -I'm just glad WE got a let er rip heads up. (thanks)

    Insert tornado noises -

  12. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    It just doesn't stop does it? I went on line last night to check cell phone usage...and discovered that B has once again been on the browser. To the tune of 105 times in less than a month....27 times in one day!!!!! She's also downloaded applications for the phone and bill is now $1200 and I have no idea how to pay it off. There was also a call to the customer service for over three mins and I beat that was to try and have removed what she'd installed to her phone.

    Give me any ideas how to handle this one...cause I am just blown away. She came in last night and acted like it was my fault, blamed her dad(he has a game on our phone but hey he pays the bills), said it wasn't her fault...yada yada yada....

    I am at my breaking point with this kid...instincts tell me she is back into pot cause she is hanging around that girl again....and her rep at school is a **** cause if facebook is anything to go by, she's setting up "bj" dates...if you know what I mean...


  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I hate that it hurts your credit, but this happened to a friend, and they just let the company shut off the phones. The next ones they got, until their difficult child daughter was gone, were pay as you go.

    She got one, too. With $20 for minutes, messages, downloads, or whatever she wanted. When it was gone, it was gone.
  14. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    easy child recently did a simliar thing. I tried to pay my cell bill online and it wouldn't log me in because of too many unsuccessful login attempts. I immediately called them as I am the ONLY one who pays our bills once a month. The first words out of her mouth you have a teen in the house?

    Seems easy child was trying to log in to add unlimited messaging to the account. Nope. Phone is now locked in our safe as well as the car keys. He's banned from the car, but would take it early in the morning to go to school. Nope again. There is a bus that can pick him up 3 houses away. He thinks he's too cool to ride the bus.

    He missed the bus yesterday because he overslept. No argument, just said, "Well, if you're home instead of school, you're going to work." And work he did. Hid the house phones, too, so he couldn't chat with girlfriend. Also took the power cord to his computer.

    It's amazing how they will buckle when the luxuries are taken away.:devil2:

  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Dude did this to me on a much SMALLER scale.......$100. or so - he truly didn't understand that it cost $$ to do things like that - he's not very worldly.

    So I called the phone company. I have Cingular. I told them that I NEVER have run up my bill over my minutes in 5 years - check and see (she did)

    Then i said I had NO idea how that crud got on my phone - can we settle this please I am freaking out. THEN I ASKED?DEMANDED a BLOCK on any texting, computer connections, down loads.....ring tones - and I had to give them a double password and question to answer should I EVER want to unblock it.

    THEN - I gave that phone to DF - and got myself a Track phone where I pay by the minute and don't have time for cutesy ring tones and texting. Call speak hang up - It's been a HUGE HUGE stress reliever.


  16. Genny

    Genny Worlds Best Nana

    $1200??!! Ooooohhh. That kid would have NO access to a cell phone? Please tell me she is banned from it.

    The first cell phone my difficult child got was in my name. I bought her the phone and the plan for her 17th birthday because she was making progress. The deal was if she went over the minutes, she had to pay the excess. The first time she went over, she paid. The second time, she refused and I cancelled the plan. It cost me $200 to get out of the contract early, but I didn't tell her that. I figure it saved me money in the long run. She had a fit, but what was she going to do? She was too young to sign a contract, so she had to save her money and do the pay-as-you-go if she wanted a cell phone. To this day her cell phone is in her name, and she's responsible for the bill. You can bet she keeps careful watch of her minutes so she doesn't get stuck with fees!

    Your girls are in for a rude awakening, Carolanne. You're doing great - just don't let them get to you. If I were you, there would be no internet either, after what you described finding on facebook. You can't keep her from "doing it" but you can prevent her from using YOUR computer to arrange it!

    You go Warrior Mom!
  17. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    husband backed me on this one for a change...the phone is gone for good. She is still maintaining she did nothing wrong and constantly berates me for taking it away. Than last night I had to take my other daughter's cell away because she kept texting a friend and saying F you and all sorts of pleasant stuff. I called the other girl's mom and she read me the texts on her end while I read them on my end...the girls had been going back and forth for hours spewing hateful garbage at each we took the phones for two weeks and told them if it happens again...gone for good!

    I am sooo fed up with this **** all the time. Becky is now on my back about adding her to my gym membership at $44 a month....says she will use the allowance I pay to cover it. One problem with that....she won't do her freaking chores!!!! So I am in the doghouse cause I said no....argh!!!!!!!!

  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Didn't you get the handbook? The one that said teenagers know everything, and moms know nothing?

    Especially GIRL teenagers?

    Tell her that she has to earn the allowance first, then she can join. Example, she has to do her chores for April, and if she earns enough in April, then she can join for May.
  19. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    Nope...that won't work either. With this gym, you pay first and last and monthly and can't stop payments or it costs big time. I told her once she had a part time job, I would help her get a student membership...I'll pay the start-up fees but the monthly dues would come out of her account. So that if she can't cover it, it's her NSF charges with the bank and the gym....that earned me the mean mommy tirade but I am sticking to my guns.

    Besides, it's my refuge, the gym....even if it's 6am in the morning that I am sleep walking down the street:) I love it there...I am Carolanne....I smile and chat with the other members, not a care in the world. One lady asked if I had kids and was married...nope, says I...not while at the gym and she laughed:)

  20. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Nope says I.........ROFLMBO


    I used to look at Dude when I would catch him in a lie, like you did the girls with the Fbomb and the texting - and Dude would always come back - 500 times a day with His side of "things" /lies.

    And I would say " You lied, you got a consequence - end of story." Of course he would go on explaining why the punishment was so unfair and I would say "Do you suppose you keep saying this lie out loud so YOU will believe your own lie? This is ridiculous - go sit in front of a mirror and when you reach your 500th time of explaining it to yourself - come and see me and I'll STILL tell you - you Lied, you got a consequence, end of story. I just don't want to hear you practice the explaination to yourself."

    Maybe it is worth paying $44.00 a month to HAVE no kids and privacy at the gym??? :greedy: