It is very, very religious based. They start their days off with church and end their days with church. She told me she experienced "deliverance" but that she had more to go. She said she didn't really believe everything they were telling her until that point. Let me say that I do believe in God, but have never studied religion. After first communion, I stopped going. There is so much that I do not know and am learning through her. BUT, I can honestly say that I saw a "lightness" in her Saturday. It is the best way I can describe it. She was so mature and just some of the things she was saying was so impressive. Two ladies from her favorite church (they preach at the jail and that is where they met and became close) came to visit her as well so I got to meet them. What beautiful people - just beautiful human beings...they were so unbelievably proud of her and kept telling her how wonderful she looked... They make me want to go to the church and we may just do that next Sunday.
I asked questions and she answered. Like how she could use when she had no money. She confirmed what I had suspected - that she was selling. And then she broke down and cried over how she should have never put Connor around that. How he could have died. All of the what ifs that I agonized over, she was now, too. As she should. She needs to remember that.
The real break through was talking through some of her past. I posted before about how she told me that my mother's husband molested her when they lived with us. I believed her because I knew I was supposed to but to be honest, part of me had questions. After talking to her Saturday, I whole heartedly believe her and there are no more doubts that it happened. I held her in my arms and aplogized for not doing my job to protect her and she completely broke down in sobs. Looking back, when she said it happened, that is when she really started getting into trouble - lighting the fire in the school bathroom, stealing, etc. It had to have been a cry for help and here I was blaming her - thinking something was wrong with her
. I did not do my job. I did not see the signs. I did not protect her from the monster that lived right under our roof! How to forgive myself for that part, I do not know. She forgives me. She says I did the absolute best I could. I know that I obviously didn't. She says she has to forgive him to move on and that is the part she is stuck on. Me - I just don't know how that is possible. I want to see him die. I want to see him die a slow painful, tortured death. I don't know how one can trust that God will handle it in the end - I am not there and I suppose that is why one needs therapy. I am angry and I have a lot to work through with this. Time to find that therapist!
So before family counseling started I had to bring Connor to the family dorm - where the mothers that have their children live. WOW. This house is nicer than ours!! One side of the house is a HUGE play room that is set up like a daycare. The other side is a huge living room with a large kitchen off of that, a dining room, bathrooms and then upstairs is all the bedrooms, full baths - it is just awesome. And there is something
about being there. You just feel instantly comfortable. Connor obviously feels the same way. He walked in and walked right away from me and straight to checking the place out and playing with the other kids. He did not care about my leaving at all. When I came back to pick him up, he was asleep being held by the housemom. He climbed right up on the couch to her and went to sleep!! He missed his nap and it was a long day..
I gave her the Christmas ornament that Connor had made - it is an imprint of his hand. You would have thought I gave her the world. She loved it so much. <3
Family counseling was so cleansing. We discussed the bottle family - and it described the members of EVERY family (each bottle was dressed as a character). You could tell who you were in the mix - even a mixture of more than one and who the others in the family were. I don't plan on missing any sessions! It was so great.
So, it was just an awesome weekend. I really feel closer to my daughter right now than I ever have. Man did we have a good hug and cry together when I apologized to her. It really, really makes me see her addiction in a whole different way. I see the part I played in her addiction and I see the parts that we all have played. Ugh. I was so dang self-riteous about her issues. How could she not
have had issues?? I am just so happy that she is finally in the right place to heal.
Connor's sleepever will be on the 13th - Valentine's weekend.
We are going to get Connor something to give his momma...apparently they have kids' night once a month so every other visit will be an overnighter. Which means once a month husband and I get a night off! So now we begin to see her every other week which will make any later transition easier. She did say that she can never live in our area again. She thinks she may be better off staying out there or moving somewhere completely different. But, that is a ways away yet...
MWM - I have to agree with you. She certainly does love her son more than anything in the entire world and being away from him is THE hardest part of her recovery. I think she IS going to make it. I felt something after I apologized to her. Something I should have done a long time ago. I hope she did, too. I hope I am doing my part in helping her heal because I think once she truly heals, she is
going to be okay...
Signed - one happy momma <3