'Happy' New Year all! - I'm reaching out again

[Lost in sadness]

I posted my first story on 29th November - my son was being evicted from his house and I was desperate. I wanted to update, its been a while and if Im honest I thought I had cracked it. I thought my story would be different...sadly it isn't and I'm hurting so bad.
My husband collected his things from the house and bought them back home, all wet and mouldy, it took three days to get them all clean. Two days after we received a bill for £3,500 to repair the room he was living in, the pictures made me cry!! I left him for a week with only one option left which he would not take and that was to move away for a few weeks and live with some friends of ours that lived in the middle of no where. It was my final option left. Eventually he texted, "give me their number, I want to change". He called them, they picked him up. I felt such relief! He stopped taking drugs, worked for them, went to the gym and looked better. I took him to the doctors and he agreed to anger management and they gave him some medication. There were ups and downs though, lies, etc. Tell tale signs that he was still doing what he wanted. We had a meeting and agreed he could come home to live and I would pick him up day before Christmas Eve. He sat on my lap and cried like an 8 year old! 9 months away and I had got my boy back!! The day I picked him up, I could sense an atmosphere - he had split with his girlfriend and wanted to go on a night out. I told him 'no' - that he had been away for 9 months and I wanted him to stay at home. The friends he was staying with supported me and he got agitated with them so they told him to leave and wished me well. Needless to say we argued all the way home. I dropped him to get a haircut thinking he wold come back after. He didn't. My daughter (14) was so upset so he promised he would meet her int own to do some Christmas shopping with her. He never showed. He went out. He never came home So, Christmas Eve we packed up and left for family, without him. He rang the next day asking I go and get him, I refused and told him the rules. He made his own way to us and we had a lovely two days. He had wrote us all apology cards promising it was going to be different, that he had been a fool blah blah. Boxing day night we returned home. Girlfriend came and it was ok. He was up all night making food etc and I told him this could not continue. Next day we left him at home with girlfriend, In evening we had friends over and he was again polite etc. Then girlfriend came in crying saying he had gone out to meet another girl!!! When he came back, I was cross and dared to question him, it got out of hand and he started rearing up to me, clenched fists, hit my wall. pushed me and slammed door in my face. I marched in his room and picked his stuff up and told him to get out, he started calling me names etc. He left, I thought in a taxi with his girlfriend but next day I read a load of messages on my phone saying, "help mum", "its freezing", "let me in", I looked out of our window, white ground and saw a tent in our garden at -4 degrees, I felt sick!!!! I tried to call. Nothing. Ive never ran so fast in all my life across to the tent thinking he may be dead. It was empty. Girlfriends mother texted saying he arrived there in the morning and I needed to go and pick him up. I did. Took girlfriend to work. He was angry and agitated, I felt scared. He got out to say goodbye leaving his bag on seat. I picked it up. It smelt of weed. Brand new bag, 3 days old. I knew I couldn't bring him home. I challenged him, he denied it. Starting calling me names, mother etc and wouldn't get out of my car. I told him we would go and get some housing advice but instead I drove to the local police station, got out and asked for their help. I left him there. He scares me and gets pleasure from it. After 24 hors he texted saying "police said 24hours, what are you doing, come and get me". I told him I loved him but it was time to stop lying, being abusive and sort his life out. I got back f**k you!! Not heard anything for nearly a week and then yesterday I get a text saying when can I come home? I'm torn, I'm hurt, I'm scared, I'm lost. He has nothing, no-one but I know he cannot come home. What shall I do??? Im so sorry the story is so long!!!!

 

[Albatross]

Oh Lost, I'm so, so sorry for what you have been through the last couple of weeks. You poor dear.

That is his addict talking, Lost. The drugs are fully in control right now.

You are absolutely right, he cannot come home. He is in the grips of addiction and is a physical danger to you, your husband and your daughter.

It is bad enough when it is targeted against you and your husband, but your daughter is much too young to defend herself against it. Nor is having him around and tolerating his abhorrent behavior the example you want to set for her.

This is not even to mention the name-calling, the rages, the destruction of your property...

I do know how very hard it is when they have nowhere to go. I could type out quite a lengthy synopsis of all of the times we allowed my son to move back home, or helped him get his own place, because he had no other options. They all worked out the same. There is a reason why they have nothing and no one and nowhere to go, and the reason is them.

Cushioning their fall is good to do when they are learning to walk. It is what we are programmed to do as parents, and it makes us feel better, certainly. But I don't think it is the right thing to do when they are adults making such horrendous choices due to being in the grips of an addiction.

I know this is easy for me to say, because it's not my son, but my opinion is that when we give our problem children safe harbor BECAUSE of their bad behavior, all we are doing in terms of how it affects them is preventing them from seeing how bad off they have become.

Are you going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings, Lost?

You are not alone. We do understand how hard this is. Please keep posting.

 

[Childofmine]

Lost, I'm so sorry for your fear and your pain. It feels very familiar.

There is a reason why they have nothing and no one and nowhere to go, and the reason is them.

Albatross is 100 percent correct. They are choosing every single day how they will act and what they will do, and then they expect us to pick up the pieces and deal with THEIR consequences. The sooner we can start learning how to stop doing this (and it takes time, even for the strongest of us), the better off they will be and we will be, in time.

Lost, you know you can't have a violent drug abuser in your home. You have another child. You have a right to peace and a safe home and a place of sanctuary so you can go to work and take care of your family. Someone/anyone who disrupts this---for me my last straw was when my son stole from me---is gone. Now.

Your son needs help. He needs professional help that is way beyond what you can give him. If he can't/won't get that, he will likely end up in jail. That's the other option, most often. My son went to rehab multiple times---every time he resisted it 100 percent---and he was in jail 8 or 9 times. Finally, the last time he got out of jail, he was done with himself and his way of life.

This was not on my timeline. I can't believe it took him nearly 6 years to stop using drugs, selling drugs, breaking the law and doing all kinds of wrong things. My rock bottom was years before that. Every time something would happen, I would think: this is it. NOW he is going to turn around, surely. Didn't happen.

Your son is a grown man. He is going to make grown man choices. He needs to live the grown man consequences of those choices, whatever they are. That is the ONLY way people change, ever.

We know how very painful and hard and soul-wrenching this is. I had to completely change the person I was in order to get through this. That took time too. Through therapy and Al-Anon and having a sponsor and working the program and prayer/meditation, exercise, so many different "tools" I used during that time, I was able to change and become a better person (a side benefit I didn't expect!). I was trying to just merely survive.

Please keep sharing here. You need to do what you can live with. Let that be one of your mantras. We're here for you.