Has anyone reconnected with their difficult child after years of being out of contact?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by judi, Jun 6, 2011.

  1. judi

    judi Active Member

    I've been a member here for a long time - since 2001. What fun years these have been.

    My son is now 26. He moved it out for good about 5 years ago. In that period of time, we have had contact with him three times - we do not text, don't know a phone number, where he is living, etc...absolutely nothing.

    He has a son who is now 4. We have a lot of contact with him and his Mom lets us see him whenever we want. We do help out a lot financially and love this little guy so much.

    So....my question....anyone been out of contact with their difficult child and then somehow re=established contact and was it positive or negative?

  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    judi judi judi!

    Wondered what happened to you! Glad to see you again. Sorry to hear that you are estranged from your son, but glad to hear you have a Grandson that you get to see. I bet he is adorable. Dude has been out of the house since he was 16. Then moved back, then we literally threw him out at 18, and I have not physically seen him since. On and off for about the last two years we have talked and sent pictures, but he had to go find "daddy disney" and did. The first meeting of course was that daughter was WONDERFUL. Had a feeling it was a farce, and two years later I find out I was correct. Sadly I had hoped the man would pull his head out of his hiney and appreciate the gift of his son being in his life again - but no. Once an idiot - yadda yadda.

    However their relationship has gone, I've managed to stay out of it yet Dude and my relationship seems to have improved. I wish I could see him, but after listening to daughter and NOT finishing out the last 3 months of his probation - he skipped town and now has warrants open here. Huge duh. So I won't get to see him here ever. Not my idea of a great relationship, but it's better than the one we had. Sounds odd to anyone outside this board I'm sure - but if I said anything other than I'll take what I can get? I'd be telling untruths. Hopefully he can find more work, continue to pay off his fines and deal with a judge on the rest. Not my problem - but......thanks to the wisdom of daughter? It's left quite a dilemma.

    You don't think there is anyway you can mend a fence with your son? Not enough time passed - that sort of thing? Sending hugs -
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful




    Yeah. We reconnected with katie 3 yrs ago. I wish I could say it's been great. But other than seeing Kayla and Alex again......and meeting their younger brother Evan........ehhh not so much. Seven years had passed since we'd last had contact with katie. In all that time nothing had changed except ages. Other than the grandkids, makes me wish she'd kept out of contact. Here I'd managed to settle all other difficult child drama and get some peace.......yeah phht that went out the window.

    So I guess there is always that risk that they haven't changed a bit.

    So nice to see you, you've been away far too long!


    Daisylover aka TMom :D
  4. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    A distant cousin had 3 brothers who all "went wild" in their teens after the parents divorced and the father wasn't around any more to rein them in. Classic difficult children, and one by one they were kicked out at 18-20, and one by one they got into worse trouble in town and eventually moved away to avoid warrants and the like. All 3 are presumably in their 50s now and all 3 fell out of contact with family over time, usually after much anger at having been refused return to their mother's home due to their ongoing terrible behavior. Upshot: one is in prison. Another has been in and out of prison and now lives far away in a trailer park, still occasionally in trouble kind of life. The third no one has heard from in over a decade. He didn't even come home for his father's funeral years ago. He is presumed dead or in prison.

    That's discouraging, of course, but it's also true. I wonder how many serious difficult children ever pull out of their tailspin--GFGness seems a chronic pathology in many cases. My difficult child nephew continues as of old, but now housed and financed-by-his-mother in an apartment in a city 90 mins from his home town. No changes, except he has managed to stay out of legal trouble--but still drugging, dropped out of community college with all sorts of bogus excuses, FB posts paint a picture of decadent indolence, complaints about the cops, etc. The only thing that keeps him out of legal trouble, as far as I can tell, is his mother's willingness to pay all his bills. Remove that and he'd rapidly go down the rabbit hole.
  5. judi

    judi Active Member

    Wow, just wow!

    Its so funny how the world has moved on but some of our kids haven't.

    I guess I was just hoping for the magic cure - lol! After so many years of this, I shouldn't be surprised. At any rate, thanks to everyone for their wisdom. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

    Our life too has been very peaceful, our son's estrangement has left a hole in my husband's and my heart.

    Its our 31st wedding anniversary today and I guess I was just a little too sentimental. lol

    Thanks again.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Nice to see you again. It's been awhile. I haven't walked that road so no advice here. It's great to read, however, that you have easy access to your grandchild. DDD
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hi Judi! Congratulations on you anniversary! Like DDD I too have no experience in this . I do not have alot of contact with my difficult child but I do have contact. He hasn't changed one bit in the last 5 years though. My advice, such as it is, would be to proceed with caution before opening the door. -RM
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    We see M from time to time. Sadly he is still being totally enabled and couch-surfing after 7.5 years. It's difficult. His thinking is off and I can't hold a conversation with him because I would be very likely to say something blatantly obvious to him and there's really no use in doing that. Nothing seems to get through to him and it only upsets me.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have often wondered if I am the difficult child that you guys are talking about.

    maybe I am the one that my dad's family up in Massachusetts says "wow, did you see Janet and her family at the funeral? She really didnt do much with her life!"

    After all, I hadnt seen some of them for years and years.
  10. judi

    judi Active Member

    Thanks everyone! Yeah - it just feels hopeless to come here. I am not much help: we did the IEPs, the medications, the hospitalizations, jail, residentials, spent oodles of money, gave him everything, took everything away, tried to make him responsible, etc, ad nauseum.

    At this point, all we can say is that we tried and nothing has worked.

    Frustrating but still appreciate the support. You guys are sooo cool!
  11. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    judi, Our situation mirrors yours....... except our son is currently in prison. He will get out next year, but we haven't visited or spoken to him in almost five years. I don't anticipate our situation will improve once he gets out. I don't hold out much hope he will turn his life around at age 27. Wish I could keep hope alive, but have been a part of this roller coaster too long......
    Glad you are a part of your grandchild's life....... I have hesitated to get involved with our grandson, because I assume he will only become something to be fought over....... just can't watch that happen.......
  12. judi

    judi Active Member

    Why Me - I feel your pain. Our son has had jail issues but not prison - at least not yet.

    I agree too about the grandchild - it would be so hard to let go!

    Our grandson from difficult child is our oldest grandchild - he's now 4 1/2 and we are so lucky that we can see him anytime we want.
  13. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Hi Judi,
    I'm sure your son's absence makes a big hole in your heart.
    It's so good to know you are able to see your grandson.
    Happy Anniversary. I hope you were able to enjoy it, even with the sentimental memories.

  14. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I imagine that you will always have that yearning to reconnect. I'm so sorry that he is still so distant to you and husband.
  15. thumpergirl

    thumpergirl New Member

    Thanks to everyone for their input on this site-I've been a reader for years. My difficult child moved out a year ago at 18 to live with Dad and grandmother, where there are no rules or expectations. I took that as my cue to run as fast and far as I could with the rest of the family to get away from the drama, constant court battles and harassment from Dad's side of the family. The courts have permitted me to keep my address, work, etc. redacted so far and restraining orders in place. Frankly, it's been a year, and I don't miss them. I have no hope or expectation that any of them will ever change. All I hope for is peace and quiet with my family and our new life.

    I lurk on difficult child's Facebook occasionally, and from what I can tell, he's still mooching off his grandmother and playing video games all day.