The doctor mentioned the possibility of difficult child having an attachment disorder on Saturday. She was very clear that she did not think there was any sign of parental abuse or neglect...
But now here I am, finding myself reviewing every moment of difficult child's babyhood, toddlerhood....
Thinking about every mistake I ever made...
Wondering if I could have been better...
Feeling bad about every time that I was tired, or sick, or cranky...
And I'm feeling really horrible that somewhere, somehow, I must have done something wrong...
And wondering if every time a therapist or other specialist has said that difficult child's problem was just bad parenting--if maybe they were right.
Talked to husband about how I was feeling. He tried to remind me about how "difficult" difficult child had been when she was an infant. Nothing ever seemed to soothe her--ever. Sometimes, there was nothing to do but put her down and let her cry.
Never cuddled. Never liked being bundled up or held tightly. Had to be bounced--always.
Bounce...bounce...bounce....bounce...bounce....bounce...bounce....bounce....bounce..........
SCREAM!!! CRY!!!!
bounce....bounce....bounce....bounce.....bounce....bounce.....bounce.....
We figured a "bouncy" toy might be just the thing--like a johnny jumper or one of those bouncy chairs--but no. If she wasn't being bounced on your knee....or in her little rocker...or in the car--she was crying. It was terrible. And no wonder I was exhausted and cranky...
So was there something present from birth?
Or was I just not patient enough? or loving enough? or....?
I don't know.
But thank you for listening...
But now here I am, finding myself reviewing every moment of difficult child's babyhood, toddlerhood....
Thinking about every mistake I ever made...
Wondering if I could have been better...
Feeling bad about every time that I was tired, or sick, or cranky...
And I'm feeling really horrible that somewhere, somehow, I must have done something wrong...
And wondering if every time a therapist or other specialist has said that difficult child's problem was just bad parenting--if maybe they were right.
Talked to husband about how I was feeling. He tried to remind me about how "difficult" difficult child had been when she was an infant. Nothing ever seemed to soothe her--ever. Sometimes, there was nothing to do but put her down and let her cry.
Never cuddled. Never liked being bundled up or held tightly. Had to be bounced--always.
Bounce...bounce...bounce....bounce...bounce....bounce...bounce....bounce....bounce..........
SCREAM!!! CRY!!!!
bounce....bounce....bounce....bounce.....bounce....bounce.....bounce.....
We figured a "bouncy" toy might be just the thing--like a johnny jumper or one of those bouncy chairs--but no. If she wasn't being bounced on your knee....or in her little rocker...or in the car--she was crying. It was terrible. And no wonder I was exhausted and cranky...
So was there something present from birth?
Or was I just not patient enough? or loving enough? or....?
I don't know.
But thank you for listening...