He kind of blew me off....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Mar 25, 2015.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Not sure what I am feeling really. Last night my difficult child made some plans with some friends....i thought that a good thing because he needs to develop s social life here. I had told him that today I wanted to try out a bridge game in the area and I would see him this afternoon. So I did and then met up with him. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do so we were going to go to a move but it was not for 90 minutes....ok so he was going to take a shower and I would come back....well then he called and said he should have told me before but he needed a break!! Now in actuality there was a bridge game tonight which I could then go to and did and had a nice time...so I was fine.

    However it made me wonder...you know that ptsd we all have....on the one hand it feels kind of off...I mean I am here and he should want to spend the time with me....on the other hand...I know being with me is both good and a little stressful for him and he is not used to spending so much time with me and we do not have a carefree easy relationship. And I know from my easy child daughter that she looks forward to seeing me and then I kind of drive her nuts....and I remember at times feeling the same way about my mother.

    So a part of me is glad he could be honest rather than seeing me due to
    a feeling of obligation and then being a complete jerk (old pattern)....and a part of me worries he will blow me off tomorrow in which case I will be pretty ticked off.

    And a part of me wonders was he just dying to use some kind of substance tonight instead of seeing me.

    I guess I will see what happens tomorrow.
  2. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi TL,
    I think one of the hardest things we have to deal with in regard to our Difficult Child is keeping ourselves in a good frame of mind despite our Difficult Child's situations...and/or their state of mind.

    My hope is that your son will not be able to "see" you off kilter. As I truly believe they get some kind of validation for their "all powerful abilities" so to speak. And THAT is giving them WAY too much credit!

    Even if your son does "blow" you off today TL...go on with life. Live it to the fullest and don't allow son to know any different.

    Your being there for him...that is the gift. As I am learning...We are not in charge of how they "receive the gift"...that is on them.

  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It will be interesting to see his reactions tonight. I will admit my mind went to your last possibility, I hope not. Either way it's rude behavior.
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When we went to see our Difficult Child last December, we spent a grand total of approximately 5 hours with her. She wanted to go to the movies each afternoon and then go back to her halfway house.

    It turned out that she was using again and in withdrawal because she had run out of her xanax.

    So we drove about 10 hours each way to see her for 5 hours. I could tell, though, that she was definitely using again.

    Hopefully in your case, your Difficult Child really did just need a little space. I had a good relationship with my mother but was always ready to leave after a couple of visiting for a couple of days.

    I will keep a good thought for today's visit.

  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thank you both...my gut says he will call and we will spend some time together during the day but in the evenings he doesn't want me around so he can drown his sorrows. Not great but at least he stayed siober ( I think) while he was working. LMS I like what you said about the gift. I have to remember that. My main goal is to not end up guilt tripping him into seeing me cause really it will be no fun for me to be with him if he doesn't want to see me. However I'd he blows me off today it will make me think twice about doing this again.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks Kathy! So today was good. We spent about 4 hours together, did some errands, went to a spot I wanted a picture of and went out to dinner. He wanted to get home in time to do laundry before he goes back to work tomorrow...since we are putting him up in a cheap motel the days he works that totally makes sense. So at this point I don't think he is using like he did before...although I know he is drinking but in front of me it is very moderate. Anyway I feel much better about our visit today and am going to enjoy my last evening with no real responsibilities.
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    So glad to hear your last day together on this visit went so well.
    I hope your son continues to move forward.

  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So glad your visit went well. I know you worry, no matter how old they get we will always worry about our kids. I hope you enjoyed your last evening.