Upsetting conversation tonight. About a week ago when husband laid into difficult child over the stabbed message board and holes in the wall, husband told difficult child over and over that if he gets kicked out now, he won't survive - that he'll go to the welfare office, but he won't have enough to live on, and nowhere to live, and he just won't survive. husband was honestly thinking this and agonizing over it in his own mind, but he has a habit of saying things in ways that sound dire. So he kept emphasizing that difficult child just wasn't ready or able to survive out there, and he couldn't understand why difficult child was therefore choosing to go - doing things that would make it inevitable that he would have to leave. difficult child got upset with me tonight because he felt I wasn't giving him any credit for good decisions this summer. He had been saying that he had decided, on his own, not to go back to college this fall; that he had decided on his own to go to outpatient rehab; that he had done everything himself and it was good that husband and I were being educated in the rehab meetings and frankly he was disappointed with husband for not attending more meetings. I tried to point out that husband and I had also pushed him to go to rehab - more accurately, that we had made an agreement and difficult child had honored it, which was good. And that we also knew it would be bad for him to go back into a college campus environment so soon. difficult child took offense, feeling that I wasn't giving him any credit at all and went over everything he's done - given up old friends, gotten his job, gone to work etc. I agreed and said he'd made good decisions all summer but it wasn't enough. We both arrived home angry and upset. difficult child came to me fairly quickly to resolve the problem, which was good; but he said he had to do it because if I was upset when husband came home, he knew he would be kicked out. (husband said if difficult child screams at me or loses his temper again, it's the end.) And that he knows he can't survive out there right now, so if he's kicked out it's the end of everything. If he's kicked out, he says, he'll just shoot himself in the head or get something on the street and just overdose because he won't survive anyway. He's perfectly calm and quiet while saying this. He's very serious. When I tell him he WILL survive, that we don't want him to leave (i.e. do something that would make him leave) but if he does, he can continue his job or get another, he will find a place to stay etc., he says no, husband is right, he can't survive as things are and he'll shoot himself. So he wants to be sure to resolve things, and every day is torture to him because he doesn't know if he's going to say or do the thing that will end it all. I can't convey in writing how serious he is while saying this. And with his borderline personality, the damnable thing is, I think he would see killing himself as the only 'solution' to being kicked out. His thinking is so backwards, he talks about having lived with the fear of being kicked out since he was 8, when in reality I kept him home all these years in spite of advice to place him, and he's terrorized his sibs since he was 8, but he clearly feels a complete victim and hasn't a clue about the effect he's had on the family. He really thinks he's the victim and I don't think he'd hesitate to end his life if he were put out of the house. I can't convey how awful this feels. I feel like I'm watching the slow-motion runup to my difficult child's suicide.