Hello~ Lurking and filled with poison

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, May 13, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I'm sorry I haven't posted but I've been working through some things & have found it difficult to say the words that need to be said. I've been sending up lots of thoughts & prayers for all of you but I haven't really posted to anyone because of my own stuff.

    I feel like I am full of poison right now & not of any good use to anyone. Ever feel like that?

    Things with my H have not been very good. He's gone to counseling 3 times & as usual, came home and said, "I don't know about this guy"...which translates into, "I'm only going because you said I had to but I resent it" & then he proceeds to show me in various ways just how much he resents it each & every day through his words & actions. He's been so mean & vicious in the way he speaks to me. He's so angry with me & I know it's because I reaffirmed a boundary I have again, a couple of months ago. His counselor told him to tell me "to stop overseeing things with him alcoholism". Um, hmmm, I don't do that. I am well versed with AA & Al anon & I have detached from that behavior & I do not interefere in any way whatsoever with his 'recovery', which is a joke. So, what is H telling his counselor that would make him send me that message. And isn't that a bit odd anyway?

    H's counselor suggested he see the on staff pyschiatrist for a medication evaluation. Well, H claims the DR said, "You are not someone I would put on medications. You don't need them, you're not depressed." Well, BS. H is CLEARLY depressed & I know that H went into that appointment with his happy face on. He's so afraid of taking medications, he refuses to even give them any consideration. I can't do anything about that.

    H sleeps all the time. I mean he gets up at around 5:30 AM, walks & feeds the dogs, makes coffee, makes his lunch, & reads the paper while he has his coffee. Then he's off to work about 7AM and when he comes home at 5-ish, he showers, waits for dinner, eats, turns on the tv & passes out by about 8:30 on the couch. Finally, around midnight he will get up & go to bed. When he speaks, he's always complaining, about everything, from the guy at the gas station, about traffic, about politics, about friends, co-workers, everything. And my God, his attitude about money! He will actually put out his hand and ask me if I'm paying when we go out to eat. Or, if he does give me money for something, he will later bring it up over and over again. I've stopped accepting money from him.

    This past week I helped out this kid who has been like a son to us. He's from the inner city & we met him years ago when he joined a project choice program in our state & was bussed in. He & my easy child are friends. Anyway, we love this young man whose family dropped him at 18, he's worked with H, worked for me in our yard & he's fended for himself along the way. He won scholarships to attend college & he works VERY hard. So, last week he called me because his wisdom teeth are coming in & he was in pain. He had an xray done & one of the teeth were impacted. He checked all the local dental clinics & they all were charging about $400 for the extraction. So I made a few calls for him & was able to procure an oral surgeon who would do the work pro-bono. I helped him out because I love him & I was worried about an absess. Anyway, I took off yesterday afternoon, took the kid to the surgeon & he came back to our house to chill afterward. H immediately started telling him, as he lay in a vicodin stupor on our couch, that now he owes us & will have to mow our lawn all summer. I told him he didn't & glared at H. I was seething. I didn't help out this young man to get something in return. Furthermore, H had nothing to do with it at all. In fact, he made derogatory comments to me in the days leading up to the surgery.

    H comments negatively about everything having to do with me. I recently gave up meat as a means to clean out my body and feel healthier. I have joined a gym so I can work out better & more effectively. He makes snide comments about those things to me & to others in front of me! I know it's related to his own state of mind & his unhappiness with himself & depression, etc., but it still hurts. I am feeling really sad about it. H acts as if he's done no wrong, that I am just trying to find things wrong & over reacting. Then H will try to kiss me & you know what? I have NO desire whatsoever to be near him. None. Zilch, zero, nil.

    Then, there is the issue of my mother. My mother is going to come up to CT & live with my sister & me. She will mostly be at my sister's, but she will also be with me. I think it's going to be sometime this summer. Am I a horrible daughter to feel sick about this burden? We're looking for a nursing home, her dementia has worsened still, but the good ones have waiting lists so in the meantime she needs to live with one of us. I am torn. I want to be a good daughter, but I have so much other sh!t going on that I'm feeling so, I don't even know what. Between H & the continuing, ongoing BS with difficult child, it feels like too much at this time.

    Of course, the difficult child stuff. H has given her ultimatum after ultimatum but then never follows through. I know that in part it's because of his own addictive personality-he has a hard time making a decision & sticking with it-typical for an addict or child of an addict (his dad is an alcoholic). Anyway, so difficult child still has no job, no prospects, still has her car, & is still with monkeyboy. Monkeyboy also has no job or car or prospects. She comes home stoned & sometimes belligerant & everytime I try to enforce our useless contract, H steps in the way. So, what are we left with? An 18 year old difficult child who comes & goes as she pleases, barely contributes to the home, is fast becoming a pothead & is unemployed. I am actually taking Thursday off from work so that I can show her HOW to apply for a job. I think that has been a part of the problem. She hasn't ever gone for a REAL job - it's always been little piddly retail jobs. easy child took a class in her senior year about all that stuff, difficult child's school didn't have that course. So, I'm going to give it a shot. But this is my last attempt & I've told her so.

    Last week I smashed a bong & a pipe I found in her drawer, & this week I flushed a small stub of a joint, a roach, I found in another drawer. She still hasn't asked about any of it.

    So, I wouldn't say that I'm not coping well, I think I am. But to be able to post positively & offer any real words or advice, hope or wisdom has escaped me for the moment. I appreciate the good thoughts sent my way & I will be around.
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Oh Jo.
    No advice, just {{{{{hugs}}}}}

    Drop by and vent when you feel the need, or lurk. And know that we're thinking of you.

  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh, Jo. thanks for checking in.

    Lurk and lingering all you want. Sometimes that's all you've got.

    Hugs for your trials right now.
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Thanks for checking in. I'm sorry H is being such a horse's behind. It is difficult to parent a difficult child---even one who is legally an adult---when you and H aren't on the same page. Deatchment-----Serenity prayer----detachment. Those things get me through most days in my home.
  5. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    I just want to send many cyber {{{hugs}}} your way!!!!!
  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Lots of hugs to you... sounds like you have some very trying times that are pushing you mentally to the edge... You never need to offer us advice! It is just nice to know that you are around, and dealing.
    At least you are aware of what you are dealing with. One step at a time and take care of yourself. Addiction Blows...
  7. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    Thanks for checking in. I had been away for awhile too but became concerned the past week or so when I didn't see any recent posts from you. I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself. I'm really happy you joined a gym. in my humble opinion, (for those of us who are able to), exercise is one of the best ways to take care of ourselves both physically and mentally.

    Don't let your husband's verbal abuse get you down. Alcoholism mixed with depression is a recipe for disaster. I hope he sees the light soon and realizes that you've been trying to help him.

    He is totally unhappy with himself and it seems like he wants to drag you down with him. I know you're a strong person and you will get through this. Vent as often as you need to. We'll be here...

    As far as your difficult child is concerned, I know how hard you've tried to help her in the past. I'm so sorry she is thinking like a total difficult child!!! With your husband not thinking clearly, it's going to be hard to have a rational conversation with him about difficult child. However, maybe it is time to make her move out of your house. I know how much you love her, but living in your house seems to make things too easy for her to continue her currrent destructive lifestyle.

    As far as your mother is concerned, is there any way you can have a heart to heart talk with your sister and see if your sister would be willing to have your mother stay full-time at her house this summer? You could offer to "babysit" your mother on a regular basis so your sister could have some much needed free time. You could also offer to help pay for some of your mother's expenses so the entire burden won't be on your sister.

    I definitely don't think you're a horrible daughter for not wanting your mother to live with you during such a difficult time in your life!!! DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS!!! You have so many negative things totally out of your control happening in your life at the moment. I honestly think that you taking your mother for even part of the summer is a bad idea. And, I know from previous posts how much you love her and how hard you worked to try to do what is best for her. You are a wonderful daughter!!! Please don't forget this!!!

    I wish I lived near you. We could work out together. Anyway, update when you can. And, please don't feel like you need to respond to others' posts. As someone already said, I'm just glad you're ok and are "lurking" here!!! WFEN
  8. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey! So glad that you're ok.

    Listen, did you ever think that we can lift some of the burden for you? Spit your poison and we'll turn it into sunshine and lollipops. Ok, moonshine and cornpops? Oh, who knows. The point is: you don't have to GIVE advise, sometimes just venting does it for us!

    Sounds like hubbie is going through a serious mid-life crisis as well as all of the other components. He's also really frustrated that you're doing so many self-improvement "things" and he's like a bump on a log. Not for nothing girl, you're supposed to be miserable just-like-him!

    We're here kiddo!

  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Jo, I'm glad we can be here for you. Sometimes we need help, other times we offer it. No big deal.
    You've got a lot on your plate.
    I remember reading about Monkeyboy b4. Sigh. He's still in the picture. So sorry about finding the bong, etc. in your daughter's rm. Glad she didn't raise a fuss when it was missing. :)
    I'm glad you're going to the gym and taking care of your body. At least someone in the family is trying to be healthy!
    Try to remember that your mother's dementia is not something she's doing on purpose. It's an organic thing that she cannot control. I often play little games with-my dad and in my mind, I pretend he's a toddler so that when I have to repeat the same thing for the 20-bazillionth time, I won't go insane. Luckily, he still has his sense of humor and realizes he's losing it sometimes and makes a joke out of it. Occasionally he gets angry but his antidpressants really help with-that.
    SO sorry about your H. That is so difficult. I hope you have a long-term plan in place to move out or get your H to move out. Once the waiting list opens up and your mom is settled it will really help you focus on other things. (Warning: expect calls from the retirement home... they're not perfect and there will be times when you have to run over there at the drop of a hat.)
    Hugs. Take care of yourself.
    I'm glad we can be here for you.
  10. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    Hugs and prayers
  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Jo -

    I totally understand. When I feel toxic, I don't post much either as, like you expressed, I feel like I have nothing to offer. I haven't been posting much on the general board myself because I just have the emotional or intellectual energy to offer anything of use.

    I'm glad you posted, though. I have thought about you often, but was afraid to post in case you wanted to stay in hiding. I didn't want you to feel like you were being dragged back kicking and screaming. :sheepish: Although, I was worried more about your easy child daughter and was worried something had happened with her. How is she doing, by the way? Is she feeling any better?

    Lean on us when you need to. It's why we're here.

  12. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Sending hugs and good vibes your way. I totally understand about "taking a break". I get that way a lot with my friends and family especially.

    Take the time you need.
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hey everyone, thanks so much. I know you're all here to offer support and I know I can vent here anytime, but you know, I would have been venting all day everyday...I still could. Anyway, thank you.

    On an up note, my easy child is doing so freakin wonderful I am afraid to say it for jinxing! But she and her live in boyfriend up at college are doing great. She's taken up bouldering, which is like short form mountain climbing without the ropes (which scares me half to death). She's found her dream job for the summer. Part time now, full in the summer. She will stay up at school and work and save as much money as possible. easy child will also get her associates on July 3rd and then begin her bachelor's program end of September. We're very proud. Oh, and she also has a 3.0 GPA so that is awesome!

    I read a few of the Mother's Day posts on PE. easy child always writes me the most beautiful letter on Mother's Day, every year! Well, this year was no different and after a long day at my neice's graduation, I found easy child's email at about 10:30 PM just before bed. It always reduces me to tears of joy, this year was no exception. Thank God I have her in my life, she is the saving grace of everything. Here is the letter:

    Happy mothers day mom!!!

    I wish I could be there to celebrate with you, but you are still in my thoughts. That doesn't mean you shouldn't know what you mean to me.
    I am so lucky to have you as my mother. I love calling you my mom and I love telling stories to friends for things we have done or things you have told me. You are one of the most intelligent women I have ever known and I am so lucky to have you as my mother. I know you always tell me you are proud of me and I am proud of myself as well but you should know you should also be proud of yourself because if it was not for you I would not be where I am today. You push me to do better and never give up you have helped me so much in my life to get to the place I am today and I am incredibly greatfull for that. It amazes me the way you hold and handle yourself balancing you job and being the best mother we could ask for - you do so much for me and difficult child and H and I hope I can one day be able to hold myself the way you hold yourself. You are beautiful, strong, and intelligent, and you should never forget that. You deserve a day for YOU so make the best of it.
    Happy mothers day mom, I love you! easy child xoxo

    Nice huh?

    difficult child did not mark the day, but hey, she did come home stoned that night. I wonder if she was toking in celebration of mother's everywhere?

    I am exhausted by everything, but easy child is a joy and I hang on to that. Thanks again~
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    Thanks for letting us know how you are. Your easy child is a treasure. And she is right. I worry about the verbal abuse you get from your husband. I hope you are in some kind of counselling. Even Al-Anon would be good.

    Keep in touch, and know that we are thinking about you.


  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sending major hugs your way. I'm sorry things are so stressed and rough for you right now. Don't worry about posting when you don't feel up to it. When I'm feeling like that I also step back a bit from the board cuz I don't feel in the right frame of mind to offer much good advice. I've not been posting much in general for that reason.

    I hope things go on an upswing for you here soon. Glad you gave us an update. I was wonderiing how you were doing.

  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Hi, Jo. Sorry things are so rough.

    Please keep in mind the possibility that H's counsellors, docs etc do have him sussed, but what he is telling you that they said may NOT be what they said. Only what he wishes they had said.

    Can you talk to them yourself? Not to ask them to break confidentiality, only to say to them, "I need to let you know that this is what he has told me you said. And here are my concerns..."

    Because if they are sending you messages, then I feel it would be healthier for them to communicate with you much more directly. Chinese whispers is not healthy.

  17. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    Thanks for sharing the beautiful note from your easy child!!! I'm so happy to hear that she is doing so well!!!

    Please continue to take good care of yourself. And, vent whenever you need to!!! I know venting has helped me many, many times.

    I'll be thinking of you... WFEN
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Jo, your easy child sounds like mine. What a blessing and joy! Hold on to that love and those positive thoughts. They really do help you get through the day.
    I agree with-Marg that your H's therapist may not be telling him the same thing he tells you. You really have no way of knowing. Besides, most of them tend to ask, rather than make bold statements, which is a an "out" for people like your H. "Do you think your behavior is affecting your family?" is a very soft way of saying that it is. But H can immediately deny it. So just hope that eventually, something will get through to him. I suspect the only thing at this point will be when you have the locks changed.
    Stay strong. You are amazing.
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I told the board that you and I took a trip to Egypt. (stares off in thought) I think you took a trip to hell and are living there.

    As far as what husband is telling you about his "therapist" - bologna. I would say he's coming back to you with those things that he wants you to butt out of. My suggestion for that - if you can /care = ask to be privy to the last 15 minutes of the session to "recap" that session and things that the psychiatrist would "tell" husband to "tell" you. So that you hear it from the psychiatrist and NOT a man who is obviously struggling with truths. I used to do this with Dude - you can't imagine the things that made my jaw drop that the psychiatrist would "tell" Dude to "tell" me - I finally had my OWN session with him and did the "Now see here" bit and found that those things I found to be absurd - were never said. =Also keep a note book of what he tells you so you can verbatim go back to the psychiatrist and say on this day, he said, you said "blah blah blah."

    As far as your situation with your daughter? The only thing I can say is that misery (husband) loves company (your daughter). When a man and wife don't agree on the way to raise a child so much that it's driving a wedge between them? It's time to go. Don't misunderstand me - I don't mean divorce - I just mean leave and let them see how much fun life is without your input. In the mean time - you discover how life is without stress, daughter, husband, MOnkeyboy...etc.

    BRAVO on giving up meat and doing the exercise thing! WAY TO GO!!!!!!! THAT IS FANTASTIC - I mean despite the challenges you are faced with every day you are ACTUALLY doing something for yourself! WAY TO GO!!!!!!! I am so proud!!!!

    Sometimes I think when we are so close to a daily problem we aren't able to think, take a moment, or see anything clearly. I'm sorry that you are not happy. And yes, I know what you mean about the poison. Great analogy. When I feel like that I am sure I could spit like a cobra and maime someone. And in that state? Wouldn't care. Not a healthy place to be.

    I hope you find a way to continue to detoxify your life.

    Had to laugh about breaking the bong - she probably forgot where she put it. I wish I had some answers on that part - What would be the worst thing that could happen if you REALLY put your foot down?

  20. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending gentle hugs and prayers your way. I'm so sorry things are so rough right now. Your easy child is a wonderful daughter!