Hello, new here

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Awakening1990, Jun 30, 2017.

  1. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 New Member

    hello everyone, i am new here looking for support and wisdom. i have a son who is 28 yrs old and has lived out of my house more than in my house since he was 19. he is currently living in another state for the last 5 yrs. until i was able to break out of my denial, i enabled him just enough to squeak by and at times i was completely obsessed and enmeshed in the outcome of his decisions. almost a year ago, i finally was able to see my part in this dysfunctional dance and ejected myself from that role completely. he has been jobless, homeless, hopeless and without means. it has broken me down, to the point of total surrender. He had been in denial of his drinking issues for many years up until today. he messaged me and asked if i could provide him with the aa meetings in his area. I sent him the links for the meetings in his town and then had a very open conversation about how he is struggling in all areas of his life. he hasnt actually said it, but he keeps telling me how he wishes he was here with his family who he loves and misses terribly and that he needs to get away from all of the neg influences of where he currently lives. my heart aches. i want to bring him home and take care of him. then at the same time, i know that he must do this on his own. he needs to bloom where hes planted. i am reaching out for some support thanks so much everyone.
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    You're doing the right thing.

    Remember that "enabling is disabling!" To them as well as to us.

    Your grown son will figure it out. It was very good of you to send him a list of meetings.

    Negative people, places and things are everywhere. They know where to find us, we know where to find them. It doesn't matter where he lives.

    He is responsible for his sobriety and his journey.

    Keep up the good work!!
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  3. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 New Member

    culturanta - thank you so much for keeping it simple and to the point. your validation just strengthened me. thank you so much.
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You cant take care of him in a way that will cure him. He is too old and his illnness, unlike the flu, doesnt get better with rest and TLC. That will probably just slow his recovery as addiction is do-it-yourself only. All the years of your support didnt cure him. If he is able bodied he can work and make money to take care of his needs. Or he can get whatever the government will give him. All he has to do is apply, find out where food pantries and shelters are and not buy so much alcohol. Going to AA is a good start.

    As cult said, there is trouble everywhere, even in wealthy neighborhoods. You cant shelter him. He has to start wanting to do better. This fight is unfortunately out of your hands.

    Take care :). Yoir mental and physical health matter greatly. You getting sick wont help your son.
  5. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 New Member

    thank you for sharing your wisdom. so very much appreciated.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That's a tough one and certainly tugs at your heart. I agree he must do this on his own. Support his recovery and let him know how proud you are of him recognizing his addiction and getting help. Hopefully once he is sober for a time he can come back to your area, but he needs to prove he is serious first.
  7. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Good luck
  8. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I love what Culturana said.."enabling is disabling" for all ...the parent and the adult child. I am sorry you are going through this but also please be wary of the manipulative side of these folks. Yes he reached out to find out where aa meetings are in his area. I question why he could not have done that himself? was it an opportunity on his part to converse with you and have you take on his issues?
    I know you want to bring him home and take care of him. But as SWOT always says...he is no longer a young child. He is a grown adult who has made choices which have resulted in poor consequences. No amount of love or TLC will fix him. He needs to want and be prepared to do the hard work to fix himself. Bringing him home will enable him and disable you. Please start to focus on detachment and take care of yourself. Its a tough and heart breaking road and know that we all support you! Hugs!!!
  9. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 New Member

    Thank you T
  10. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 New Member

    thank you Wisernow - havent heard anything from my son for a couple days...he's definitely been on my mind. I love and need the reinforcements that help keep the situation clear in my head. My mom brain gets sentimental and foggy at times. I have been listening to my Alanon meetings throughout the day and detaching with the serenity prayer while asking my HP to give me peace. What you said about him putting his issues on me is very likely. That used to be our old pattern. He would be overwhelmed and depressed about his life and would lay it at my feet and I would pick it up and start running the show with solutions to solve his problem. I no longer do that dance, I stopped those behaviors a year ago. I will keep coming back here, listening, writing. Thanks so much for everyone's support!
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  11. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Awakening. Remember that he will desperately want to resume the old pattern. He wants you to shoulder his responsibilities and be the adult. You cannot continue to do that for him; he must learn how to do it for himself. Stay strong!
  12. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 New Member

    thank you pigless = that is a great bit of knowledge you just shared with me, for you are absolutely right, he wants me to be the adult. I will continue to get out of the way and allow him his dignity and growth to become the adult he needs to be. You've just strengthened my resolve. Thank you
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That was something I would have done before I learned about boundaries and enabling. There was no reason in the world your son couldn't have found those meetings on his own. It is his recovery so he has to do the work.

    He is trying to keep you involved in taking care of him. When you do that, you reinforce the idea that he can't take care of himself. It is called being co-dependent and I was one of the worst offenders.

    It took two years of private therapy for me to recognize what I was doing and to learn to set firm boundaries. At 28, he is perfectly capable of getting a job and taking care of himself. If substance abuse is keeping that from happening, he has to decide that he wants to stop and take the steps (himself) towards recovery.

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  14. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 New Member

    Thank you Kathy - I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. I needed to hear this today.
  15. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I forgot to welcome you to the board. You will find a lot of support and understanding her. No one who has not walked in our shoes can ever really understand. You will hear our stories and get lots of advice. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

  16. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 New Member

    Thanks Kathy!
  17. Dawn Marie

    Dawn Marie New Member

    I'm sending you prayers and strength as I am going through a similar situation. It is tearing me apart but in reading the posts of others I get stronger and stronger.
  18. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 New Member

    Dawn marie, Thank you for sending me prayers...I appreciate this more than you know. Prayers, good thoughts and a big hug sent right back to you.