Help me find peace

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by PamjO, May 28, 2013.

  1. PamjO

    PamjO Member

    My son has relapsed yet again - he has been thrown out of two recovery houses within 3 months. He is now living in a homeless shelter as I will not allow him in my home. My heart is completely broken - some days are so bad that I can hardly function. I know...he has to own his own recovery and find his way - and take responsiblity for his actions. He is 21. I know I need to help myself, but I can't seem to find the path to peace, which is the only thing that I want. I feel I can't leave town, or make special plans for myself because I have to be at the beck and call of all of the drama that stems from HIS addiction. And - there's my anger...angry with my son who feels absolutely no remorse whatsoever for destroying the harmony in my home. In fact, he says I have it pretty good as I'm not the one who is homeless. I seek advise from any of you willing to respond. Praying for peace for everyone on here.
  2. kennedyland

    kennedyland New Member

    If you have yet to attend an ALANON meeting, I urge you to do so today. Go to this site, and then look at "find a meeting". Clearly, your in a crisis frame of mind and you need to put on the brakes, take a deep breath, and know that as much as it feels like your all alone, you're not. Thousands of us have been where you are. Go to ALANON and listen to the others. Their stories will be almost identical to yours. You are doing so many right things with your actions. He is trying to play the guilt game with you, and know that they all do that. My son has done that to me, and I know how that feels. However, his problems are HIS problems, and it is the same with your son. This shall pass.
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    YOU are not homeless because YOU choose not to be! YOU do the right things; the things in life we all must do to function, survive, and be a contributing member of society. HE chooses to do the wrong things which have consequences that hoover. HE could choose to do the right things and not be homeless, but HE chooses not to. No one can force him to do what he needs to do. Gosh, if only we could, huh?? My daughter would be a lawyer or a doctor!! But instead, she is sitting in the county jail where she has been for the last 35 days because SHE chose to break the law. Sure, I think she is starting to rethink her life choices now, but she had to sit in jail to get there. Nothing I could do.

    You need to have a LIFE so he can see what he is missing. You need to take care of you so when he does choose to do right, you are in better shape to help him.

    In my opinion, we need to do ALL we can to support them doing the right things, but NOTHING to support the bad. He is an adult - you can ONLY control YOU.

    (((HUGS))) we are here for you!!
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Alanon. Now.

    Good luck.
  5. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member


    im sorry your circumstances brought you here. You are right. He chose this. You can't fix it.

    i agree with Kennedy on going to al-anon. It has saved my sanity and brought me a rock solid support system.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    My situation is very similar to yours... and I just got home from my alanon meeting. I too really urge you to find a meeting, especially one for parents. I cant say i have total peace or serenity... too much of a roller coaster ride for that BUT I am in such a different place than I was 2.5 years ago when I went to my first alanon meeting. I am sleeping (not always great when things are bad), am much clearer about my boundaries, do not feel guilty any more and am very clear that I really have done all I can and it is his life to live and his choices to make.

    One of the things they say that helps is you didnt cause it, cant cure it, and cant control it. Taking that in and believing that really helps.

  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Pam it is a process. It won't happen overnight and there is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel at peace immediately. Going to al-anon or families anonymous or nar-anon will help a great deal. Finding one specifically for parents is very helpful. I found a parents group through my difficult child's sober house, it's not al-anon, more of a discussion group. It has helped me tremendously. When I started going I cried through most of the meeting. I now find myself laughing with people who have become my extended family. It helps tremendously.

    Your son will get help when the pain of living like he is gets too much. Be open for the time when he reaches out for help but in the meantime take care of ourself. I know it's easier said than done, I've been there done that. I cried myself to sleep many nights and worried so much that I couldn't even function. I was working harder than she was at her recovery.

    There will come a time when you have peace, when you know you have done all you can and the rest is up to him.
  8. PamjO

    PamjO Member

    Thank you for the did make me feel a bit better just reading them. The statement about working harder at recovery than our addicted loved ones is very true - I have given this battle everything I've got. Still I wait for my son to "get it" and pray that he will.
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You must detach from the situation. People see better results after they detach.
  10. PamjO

    PamjO Member

    I am struggling to detach...I have grown stronger and am not the enabler than I once was, but I know that I am not my own person anymore as I live in the shadow of my son's addiction. I have come to the realization that I will have to leave my son as he is not going to leave me. I am trying to find the courage to do that - this is what I struggle with the most. Looking for a support group in my area - have been to al-anon, but haven't found the right group yet -am continuing to search.
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    *My experience is that this is a process of us learning to detach with love, to set boundaries and to find ways to go on with our lives. It is not an easy road but I have seen so much growth in this process with myself and also with others who have been on this journey for the last several years. I remember so well when I was in that place of absolute obession with what was going on with my son, how hard it was to find joy anywhere and to just feel my broken heart breaking day after day minute after minute.

    My son is still a huge mess, is on the streets or something not sure what and at this point I am thinking prison might be the best and safest place for him... something I have tried to help him avoid by getting treatment for him over and over and over again. However although he is as bad off as ever I am in a better place. I have my days of obsession and of absolute and complete worry where I feel desperately sad. I am not sure I will ever get rid of ALL of those days BUT those are not my normal days. I am in a much much better place, and I know many others here are as well.

    So there is hope for you. It is hard work figuring out how to detach and to make a consious choice not to let them ruin your life.... but I think that is the choice we have to make. Find things that interest you and do them, even if you are faking it a bit at first. Let yourself have times where you feel it, and then move on and find good distraction. And definitely keep looking for support and keep coming here. I think we all truly understand what you are going through.

  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good that you are looking for the right support group. Honestly I went to so many al-anon meetings all over town until I foudn a group I connected with. Families anonymous was a good match for me.

    I can vouch for the fact that when many of us got here we were a mess. I have personally watched the growth of TL, PG, AG, Kathy, Sig, recoveringenabler, myself and so many more I know I'm forgetting right now. There are times we can even find things to be happy about and we occassionally laugh. One of the reasons I loved the FA group so much is because they laugh. they are surrounded by all this chaos and they are still able to laugh.

    It's truly one day at a time, one hour at a time.
    Last edited: May 31, 2013
  13. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Wow, you are SO right!! When I look back a couple of years ago when I was going through my darkest days and see where I am now - amazing to have gotten just this much better in my Co-dependency...I still have my dark days, too, but they are not the norm anymore. I am living life and going on despite what difficult child is doing. It really was a long road to get here and Lord knows I still have a ways to go, but I cannot express how grateful I am for this board and all of you!!!! I would never, ever be where I am if it wasn't for this forum... <3