strugglingwithgirls
New Member
Hi there
I have just found my way to this forum as I am feeling pretty desperate - happy Christmas!! I have just had my 21 year old daughter home for a few days over Christmas. I have 2 daughters aged 18 and 21 and have always had a difficult relationship with them, which I put down mostly to a bad marriage I had when they were aged 4 and 7 - to a very controlling and bullying individual who was also an alcoholic, and who adopted them (this was a whirlwind relationship which took place when my mum had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and I was very 'needy'). I have made many mistakes in my life and have a lot of guilt over this. However, after a few years I decided I would be better alone than with this control freak and decided to split up with this man - despite the fear of losing our home. I managed to get a job which meant I could remain in the family home despite my ex-husand's attempts to foil this. I also met a new man - 8 years ago now - who I am now married to. At this point the girls' real father turned up after more than 10 years of no contact which didn't turn out well. This complicated series of events no doubt led to the future events which I won't go into in lots of detail. Suffice it to say I have had years of hell with my two teenage daughters which even led me to think at one stage that my youngest daughter may be bi-polar, and as a family I feel we have been dysfunctional at best.
Both my daughters express affection and respect for my now-husband and think of him as a father figure and a settling influence in their lives, even though many of our worst times were when I was with him though I think that is a reaction to the outside influences of their 'fathers' rather than events which were taking place at the time the reactions took place.
The problem I am having at the moment is that my eldest 21 year old daughter has a boyfriend who I just don't like, who seems to be controlling over her even though she appears to be a free thinking intelligent and intellectual feminist, of whom I am very proud. He has been violent to her in the past although I accept that this was not a one way street and she herself was not free of blame (much as I hate that phrase in this context, she did contribute to the situation) - I suppose if I am pushed I will say that she may have been as much of an instigator in the situation as he was.
However, I feel that he has a 'hold' over her - she is an argumentative individual however when he gets a certain way she will just agree with him to end the argument. This is so unlike her I find it difficult to accept. I myself am a fiery individual and have fallen out with her boyfriend a couple of times and we are at the point where I do not speak to her about him. She got very upset on the way home this Christmas about it and I felt bad and so said I would draw a line under the past with him if he was willing to do the same and start afresh, not taking anything previous into consideration but a true fresh start. I offered to pay for his train fare to ours for Christmas but he didn't want to do that. However, it seemed to release something in my daughter that she felt she could talk about him freely and I spoke to her about him - how talented he was, etc. It did make me realise that she had felt unable to discuss her relationship with him with me previously. The precipitating factor to all this was the relationship I have with her younger sister's boyfriend - who was coming to us for Christmas with my daughter - and I can understand how this made her feel.
What has brought me to this forum is something that is totally my own fault. My daughter came home for Christmas and borrowed my laptop, using Facebook chat to talk to her boyfriend. She went back home and didn't log out of FB, leaving her profile on my page. I'm not proud of the fact that I had a look at her profile and particularly her messages between her and her boyfriend - I know I shouldn't have done this, but I am concerned over her behaviour and mental health, her having told me she has been depressed and that her boyfriend is too. What I saw totally shocked me. Yes there was stuff there slagging me off but the most worrying thing I found was that my daughter is a regular drug user and is planning with this boyfriend to try acid for the first time. My guts are twisting and I really don't know what to do for the best. I can't confront her about it as she will know that I looked at her FB. I have checked online and I know that LSD doesn't have any known long term effects, mentally or otherwise. I have spoken to my husband about it, and he feels she may well have a really bad 'trip' as she has lots of negative stuff going on in her life at the moment. What can I do, or do I just not say or do anything and let her learn for herself? I am terrified she will end up as some kind of drug addict as she freely referred to herself as a 'druggie' and as someone who 'loved drugs'. I am tying myself up in knots here.
Does anyone have any similar experience that could help me here? I don't feel I can even talk to my friends as I don't want them to think badly of my daughter.
D
x
I have just found my way to this forum as I am feeling pretty desperate - happy Christmas!! I have just had my 21 year old daughter home for a few days over Christmas. I have 2 daughters aged 18 and 21 and have always had a difficult relationship with them, which I put down mostly to a bad marriage I had when they were aged 4 and 7 - to a very controlling and bullying individual who was also an alcoholic, and who adopted them (this was a whirlwind relationship which took place when my mum had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and I was very 'needy'). I have made many mistakes in my life and have a lot of guilt over this. However, after a few years I decided I would be better alone than with this control freak and decided to split up with this man - despite the fear of losing our home. I managed to get a job which meant I could remain in the family home despite my ex-husand's attempts to foil this. I also met a new man - 8 years ago now - who I am now married to. At this point the girls' real father turned up after more than 10 years of no contact which didn't turn out well. This complicated series of events no doubt led to the future events which I won't go into in lots of detail. Suffice it to say I have had years of hell with my two teenage daughters which even led me to think at one stage that my youngest daughter may be bi-polar, and as a family I feel we have been dysfunctional at best.
Both my daughters express affection and respect for my now-husband and think of him as a father figure and a settling influence in their lives, even though many of our worst times were when I was with him though I think that is a reaction to the outside influences of their 'fathers' rather than events which were taking place at the time the reactions took place.
The problem I am having at the moment is that my eldest 21 year old daughter has a boyfriend who I just don't like, who seems to be controlling over her even though she appears to be a free thinking intelligent and intellectual feminist, of whom I am very proud. He has been violent to her in the past although I accept that this was not a one way street and she herself was not free of blame (much as I hate that phrase in this context, she did contribute to the situation) - I suppose if I am pushed I will say that she may have been as much of an instigator in the situation as he was.
However, I feel that he has a 'hold' over her - she is an argumentative individual however when he gets a certain way she will just agree with him to end the argument. This is so unlike her I find it difficult to accept. I myself am a fiery individual and have fallen out with her boyfriend a couple of times and we are at the point where I do not speak to her about him. She got very upset on the way home this Christmas about it and I felt bad and so said I would draw a line under the past with him if he was willing to do the same and start afresh, not taking anything previous into consideration but a true fresh start. I offered to pay for his train fare to ours for Christmas but he didn't want to do that. However, it seemed to release something in my daughter that she felt she could talk about him freely and I spoke to her about him - how talented he was, etc. It did make me realise that she had felt unable to discuss her relationship with him with me previously. The precipitating factor to all this was the relationship I have with her younger sister's boyfriend - who was coming to us for Christmas with my daughter - and I can understand how this made her feel.
What has brought me to this forum is something that is totally my own fault. My daughter came home for Christmas and borrowed my laptop, using Facebook chat to talk to her boyfriend. She went back home and didn't log out of FB, leaving her profile on my page. I'm not proud of the fact that I had a look at her profile and particularly her messages between her and her boyfriend - I know I shouldn't have done this, but I am concerned over her behaviour and mental health, her having told me she has been depressed and that her boyfriend is too. What I saw totally shocked me. Yes there was stuff there slagging me off but the most worrying thing I found was that my daughter is a regular drug user and is planning with this boyfriend to try acid for the first time. My guts are twisting and I really don't know what to do for the best. I can't confront her about it as she will know that I looked at her FB. I have checked online and I know that LSD doesn't have any known long term effects, mentally or otherwise. I have spoken to my husband about it, and he feels she may well have a really bad 'trip' as she has lots of negative stuff going on in her life at the moment. What can I do, or do I just not say or do anything and let her learn for herself? I am terrified she will end up as some kind of drug addict as she freely referred to herself as a 'druggie' and as someone who 'loved drugs'. I am tying myself up in knots here.
Does anyone have any similar experience that could help me here? I don't feel I can even talk to my friends as I don't want them to think badly of my daughter.
D
x