Help: should I kick my son out of the house

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by oldman, Oct 2, 2017.

  1. oldman

    oldman New Member

    I just found this site and opened my account here. My son is 19, smokes weed (and may be uses other drugs) drinks alcohol. He got accepted to a good school last year, but didnt want to study and this year came back home to go to local community college, now he is failing there too. He basically told me today that he wants to drop out of the college, get a job at local grocery and earn minimum wage, use drug, drink alcohol and a stupid story that in a few years he will earn enough to get a place for himself and will move out. My wife and I have never used drug, drink alcohol socially and we have daughter in high school. My son also give me an alternative that I can kick him out of the house, if I can’t tolerate his life style and don’t want to support his decision to drop out of the school. The reason for dropping out of school is that he doesn’t want to put any effort at his school work, he wants to play computer game, go out for smoking and drinking with his friends and just come home for food and sleep. He doesn’t do anything at home to help out And Is extremely confrontational. So, it makes sense for me to kick him out of the house, but my challenge is by kicking him out what will I accomplish? I fear if he doesn’t have a place to stay then he will get more and more involved with drug and will get more in trouble with law (he has already a DUI that is reduced to reckless driving in his record). We have no family member and no family support. Please help.
     
  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Um, this is an easy one. If he wants to drop out of college, then it is time to get a full time job, move out, and lead an adult life with all of the responsibilities that come with that. He doesn't get a "few years" to loaf around at your expense.

    Who wouldn't want to play games all day and go out with friends? You are making it possible by providing a place to live and food to eat.

    So he gets to do what he wants and treats you badly to boot?

    He will learn that there is no free ride in life. He will have to grow up and act like an adult.

    Have you been able to control his behavior and drug use so far? What makes you think that will change if you let him stay in your home?

    My advice is to stop protecting him from the consequences of his behavior. I know that 19 seems young but if he doesn't want to go to school then he needs to get a job and move out. Remember that there are 19-year-old men and women in the military putting their lives on the line to protect our country.

    I know how hard this is for you. My suggestion is to find support groups or a therapist or use a combination of both to help your through this. Learning to set boundaries is hard and it is easier with support.

    We are here for you, too. Keep posting. Others will be along with their experiences and advice. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

    ~Kathy
     
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2017
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I second Kathy. If he chooses to move out and continue to drug he will suffer the consequences of his actions. If you enable him it will only prolong the inevitable.

    What if he ODs in your home? You need to be supportive and lead by example especially for your daughters benefit as well as your sons.

    This is not east stuff. We all know that.
    :notalone:
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  4. oldman

    oldman New Member

    Thanks, I’m going to find a therapist.
    Any suggestion about finding a local support group.
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Al Anon or NAMI.
     
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome.
    You can find therapists on goodtherapy.org and the psychology today website. A lot of members find solace at Families anonymous.
    You also might read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.
    Hang in there. Keep posting, it helps. Get yourself support, this stuff is hard.
     
  7. oldman

    oldman New Member

    Thanks. I don’t think I can do this. How can I kick him out with no car, no money, no job and no one that he can turn into except his junkie friends... I have to think about this
     
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand, this is devastating for us parents.

    Perhaps before you make any big decisions, get yourself into therapy with someone well versed in substance abuse and codependency issues. Families Anonymous as well as Al Anon or Narc Anon are helpful for many members here. Most of us require professional support to work our way thru this.....none of us are prepared for addiction, substance abuse, mental illness or conduct disorders where our kids are concerned. You'll likely need help in setting boundaries and figuring out a plan that works for YOU. You might look into shelters in your area, some of our kids stay in shelters when leaving home becomes necessary. There are also food banks. It's rather surprising how resilient our kids are.

    Read thru some of the stories here. You'll likely see many similarities. It's a process for us parents to figure this out in a way that works for US and is the best path for our kids. Sometimes they need to hit bottom, sometimes not.....but it is almost always US who do the heavy lifting of changing. Not them. If they do change, it's usually because WE changed.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  9. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    Unfortunately I have a 19 year old daughter who is doing those things except she refuses school.. She has been coming and going for about a year and a half now. I stopped giving her rides home at night because several times she was violent and high or drunk or both. She was living w a boyfriend (who ee didn't know and is now in jail waiting on jury trial this month). But now she's drugging and drinking on the streets and park and who knows where. I don't have any advice other than al anon and therapy if you can. Ultimately your son is going to do what he wants. Just like my daughter. I can't deal wirh the emotional al ups and downs....walking on eggshells if she's home sleeping til noon. Not helping out around the house...not bathing. She's really the one who left...mia half the time. It's so hard when she does this because then she'll want to come here for a while sometimes and considers it her home. Just like I considered my parents' home my home. She texted on Sat saying she didn't feel well. I didn't offer to pick her up and bring her home (she doesn't drive). This is my heart breaking as I try to sustain boundaries. Unfortunately some of us parents have to let our kids go before they are ready and before we are ready.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome Oldman:

    You have gotten good advice. You have a younger daughter to think about and you have to set a good example for her.

    I agree that he should be working full time and saving for a car to move out. If he is doing something with his life then you can help him, like going to school etc. but if he wants to lay around and party then I agree you should not let him take advantage of you.

    I'd talk to a therapist and write up a contract and stick to it. Whatever you say you are going to do if he does not comply you MUST follow through with - so don't say anything that you can't/won't follow through on.

    We did this with our son but he failed miserably. He has been out of state in rehab/sober living for 1.5 years and now we are sending him to a faith based program for a year. He has to learn how to be a good man. We tried to teach him that but it was a big fail all around. Our older boys are wonderful so we know it's nothing we did. Ever child is different.

    Our son is begging to come home; that he now knows what to "do" but he has to prove it and NOT in my house.

    Good luck and you have to stay strong or they'll walk all over you. Nothing changes if nothing changes. YOU have to drive the change!
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2017
  11. oldman

    oldman New Member

    Thanks, have any of you know why? He started smoking week when he was 14, we have done anything that I could think of, therapy, outpatient services, doctors, ... nothing has worked. It’s breaking me apart and he is getting deeper and deeper into this. When he was in high school, despite the fact that he was smoking weed and apparently drinking(that is what he is telling us now) , he was gettIMG great grads and was in the top of his class... anyway, it doesn’t matter anymore and not only he ruined his life, he has ruined ours too.
     
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    He's still young and could turn it around but by you allowing him a free ride it is enabling (and we've all done it so I'm not criticizing) and he'll not have a need to change or do better for himself.

    No we don't know why they do what they do. I smoked it myself in high school but did not get addicted.

    My son started with weed and it lead to other harder drugs. He was addicted to being in an altered state. No one knows why. I stopped asking that question years ago. It doesn't matter why. It is what it is. I'm sure it's nothing you did.
     
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There is a saying in AlAnon/NarAnon called the 3 C's:

    You didn't cause this, you can't control this, and you can't cure this.

    I would add a 4th C: You need to learn to cope with this. That is where support groups/therapy is crucial. I wasn't a big fan of twelve-step groups but the one that I liked the best was Families Anonymous. Personally, though, I found private therapy most helpful.

    I know you are worried about where your son will go but what difference does it make if he is living at home using drugs or living with druggie friends? My husband and I were just like you until my husband got home from school one day to find our daughter unconscious on the couch from a heroin overdose. He did CPR until the EMT's got there and administered Narcan. They told him that if he had gotten home 2 minutes later she would have died.

    That's when we realized that letting her live at home was not the answer. We found an interventionist who helped us get a temporary restraining order on the basis that she was bringing heroin into our home. They sent deputies to our house who told her that she had to leave immediately. At that point she realized she had no where to go and agreed to get on a plane to go to a three-month rehab program. We had to go that route because the state I live in says you have to go through an eviction process to remove someone from your home even it if is a non rent paying family member.

    I wish I could tell you sending her to rehab fixed everything and she became sober and stayed that way. Unfortunately, she relapsed shortly after completing the program. We refused to let her move back home so she stayed in Florida going through a cycle of inpatient treatment, sober living, relapse over and over.

    During that four year period, my husband and I started therapy to learn how to set firm boundaries. I didn't realize how much we were enabling her behavior and how enmeshed I was in her drama. Once we started implementing the boundaries, our daughter slowly started getting better. She moved back to Georgia and found another rehab/sober living/IOP program that finally seemed to work. She has been sober now for 19 months and is truly a different person now. She is even a sponsor for others in NA.

    Unfortunately, we waited until we had gone through ten years of hell before starting therapy. I wish we had started when our daughter was 19 instead of 29.

    Take baby steps. If you are not ready to kick him out, stop all monetary support. Do not pay for phone, car, car insurance, spending money, etc. Start attending support groups or therapy and let those people help you through the process of setting boundaries and making him leave your home.

    ~Kathy
     
    • Winner Winner x 4
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2017
  14. 1965stuie

    1965stuie New Member

    AMEN to the 4 c's Kathy813!!! Hi everyone.

    Oldman, hugs to you & family. I was in your shoe's, I had to let my daughter go when I just realized things were not going to change, it's been a week and a half since my daughter left. She is couch suffering right now. I felt the same way (as I am sure we all have) Like you I had the same exact fears. We can advise you on what we think you should do...but honestly your heart is going to do what it wants. I won't lie and say its a cake walk, because it is not. I know I did the right thing by making her leave, I couldn't stop feeling guilty about it. But every person here on your thread stepped up, and helped me get through it & I am so grateful. You will make the right decision, when the time comes.
     
  15. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Member

    Your post could
    We are living parallel lives, and I made my 19 year old leave yesterday. It is heartbreaking, but my husband and I couldn't live with the deceit and drug use anymore. I have my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow to help me accept that I didn't have the ability to make a change in him. Hopefully sometime in the future he will understand what his actions have done to our family and realize he wants us back in his life on our terms.
     
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome Lisa:

    Glad that you took action. It seems to take them forever to think of us and those they have hurt.

    Our son is 22 and we are still waiting for him to change.

    We are sending him to a faith based program next week and we do hope he embraces this and it makes him a better man so that he can have a future. It's really up to them in the end.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Oldman: Keep us posted.
     
  18. Billiesue

    Billiesue Member

    Maybe give him a time frame by which he should move out.
     
  19. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Member

    Billiesue, we tried that but it didn't work for us. We tried that but ds wasn't going to pursue a place until he was told to leave and had to. It is heart wrenching, but sometimes they just need to find their own way. Or fall hard enough they want to change.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  20. Time to set some serious boundaries. 1. Get a full time job if he quits school or a part-time job if he stays in school. If he quits school, he needs to start paying you room and board. 1. No drugs / alcohol in the house. 3. He cleans up after self and helps with the home general maintenance. You can make a contract and have him sign it. If he cannot abide by the contract, he gets evicted. You don't want to enable him to continue to flounder. You aren't doing him a favor, you would be hurting him if you don't have any expectations/ consequences.. Good luck to you I wish someone would have told me this 20 years ago.