help...worst xmas EVER!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nomad, Dec 24, 2008.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I don't even know where to begin...
    difficult child refused to go to church with- us (husband, me and son)
    Said she was spending it with her boyfriend.
    She shows up at the very end of the hour dressed in cut off shorts and a cartoon t shirt. It was during the candlelight least she was polite, etc.
    She comes home....part of the plan was after church she was going to spend the night and stay tomorrow ...leave after boyfriend and come for dinner.

    Seems she had a little fight with her boyfriend...walked out and wandered into our church.

    After she is at our home for a little while...she gets into a fight with- US!

    I sent her packing with her presents. Told her NOT to call us TOMORROW!
    And that we'll talk the day AFTER CHRISTMAS!
    Told husband...would like a peaceful day.
    The SAD PART...this is the last year our son will be home. He is moving next year. He had an opportunity to go out of town, but chose to stay home to be with family; including his sister.
    This is the way she treats him and us.

    Christmas has NOT EVEN STARTED AND I"m SHAKING, worried, conflicted and fighting depression.

  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Sending Christmas hugs! She is a difficult child, but she is also on her own. You spoke out of anger and hurt. You do deserve a good Christmas with whatever family members decide to make it a good Christmas.

    You can keep to your word of not seeing her tomorrow or you can call her and let her know that even though she behaved badly, you want the family together for Christmas. (she won't come if she hears blame so maybe, "I don't like how tonight went, but I love you and want us to be together tomorrow." You want a good day with everyone on their best behavior and you will address tonight the day after Christmas. If you do reinvite her, set some rules - be here at this time, there will be no discussion as to your behavior tonight, whatever you need her to know to make the day nice for you - maybe help with the dishes, etc.

    You will know what is right for you and your family. I wish you didn't have to go through this.
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I know you are hurting and your difficult child's timing was poor, but it sounds as if her fight with you has very little to do with you and everything to do with her fight with boyfriend. This doesn't excuse her behavior, but I suspect she really doesn't know how to express her emotions appropriately.

    Every time I read about your difficult child, she sounds like a little lost soul, not sure how to behave in a socially appropriate way. I'm not sure she's doing this on purpose. I think she may be doing it because she really doesn't get how the world around her works. JMHO.

    I hope you are able to salvage your holiday with your husband and son. Hugs.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ((HUGS)) It really must be the year of the tyrants- many people are talking about the bad stuff happening this year. I know that doesn't help your situation any- I'm sorry she decided to act like such an ungrateful family member- try to hang on....I swear- it's in the water this year- nothing is normal..
  5. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    Try to fight the depression and enjoy the day with teh ones you love. YOu still have each other and I'm sure you have a lot to be thankful for. When I get really depressed, I try to remember to count my blessings, no matter how small they may seem. It's all about the birth of Christ. All the rest is stuff taht comes and go.
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Thank you everyone!
    I am a little surprised that my emotions are so raw, but I suspect it is because our son is moving next year and it is heavily on my mind and I have not processed it. In years past, his presence has helped certain things and we will be forced to face difficult child business on our own with-o any easy child things in the mix. It is on my mind and causing me to feel a sense of loss.
    husband and I have discussed possible alternatives for tomorrow. We recognize her limitations. Yes, her social skills are abysmal. She is lonely; especially on holidays. husband has been having health problems and has "had it." Right this second, he is not budging and I'm not entirely open to it either. We are tabling it for the morning...but it is not looking hopeful. We are thinking this might be a logical consequences type of thing. It is not clear. It rarely is. I greatly appreciate your support. Wishing everyone a happy holiday. Please keep a good thought for me and the others who are struggling with- our difficult children on these big holidays. Thank you.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aw, Nomad, I am so sorry.
    I would look out for yourself and husband a bit more at this point.
    Just one day of peace and quiet, to gather your wits about you, and cherish your son. It's hard not to think about the future, but try to just "be in the moment."
    I know how hard it is when you think you're okay, and then one incident can be so provocative, your emotions are really out there.
    I'm sending peace through the DSL.
  8. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    I am so sorry this happened
    I would be inclined to take Adriannes advice myself and try to salvage things if you can.
    Christmas is such a time of expectations that we are all raw when our difficult children do these odd things and upset the flow.
    I can understand that you want this Christmas to go off well because its the last one hyour son will be there....I think thats something I am thinking about a lot myself in these recent years.

    Do whatever you think is right for you and enjoy the time especially with your son. Hopefully your difficult child will be able to conform a bit if she returns.
    Now am I logical at all when I say this? difficult children dont do logical! But we live in hope.
    Sending you lots of good vibes for happiness this Christmas morning
  9. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I'm sorry. I don't have words of advice. Only well wishes that you will have a happy, peaceful xmas. difficult child will be in your thoughts, and they will be good ones I am sure.

    Merry Christmas
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I greatly appreciate the helpful and caring words.
    husband, son and I have had an enjoyable morning.
    A nice breakfast and gifts.
    Son is helping my husband set up our new sound system...a gift we gave each other.
    I am preparing lunch for friends who are coming over later....
    At some point...we will call difficult child.
    In my emotional state yesterday, I forgot that I did say she was free to call us if she would like (today).
    She wanted my husband and I to take her back and forth to her apartment last night and BOTH my husband and I are having BIG issues with night driving. husband found out just two days ago that he will need surgery (he is in severe pain) and I might also need surgery (vision issue). She seemed to have no concerns...just impulsively (big time) wanted to see her boyfriend for a few hours and wanted us to drive back and forth. Lots to the story and of course nothing made any sense.
    Today has been peaceful.
    by the way, difficult child worked for my husband for a little over an hour, and with that we bought presents for the three of us (from her). Wel...that was really stretching a dollar. LOL!
    She has not called to thank us for the presents we got her and one was very nice.
    If we don't hear from her soon...we will likely call her and wish her a Merry Christmas.
    20 years of holiday's a lot.
    And is better not to think of the future...only the moment. Of course, as a mom, I do hope she is okay (today especially).
    Right now, things are nice at the house and I am grateful.
    Thank you again everyone...also grateful for your input.
  11. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Merry Christmas Nomad!

    Thank you for the update. I am so glad you are having a peaceful day. I hope the day continues to be enjoyable.
  12. ML

    ML Guest

    Merry Christmas Nomad! I sure hope you have some moments of joy in your day. Thinking of you xo ML
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Nomad, glad today has been peaceful and happy. Merry Christmas and many hugs.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    Merry Christmas! I am sorry about yesterday, and hope all of today was peaceful.

    Many hugs,

  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Glad your day turned out peaceful (((hugs))))
  16. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Nomad ~ So Sorry ~ I pray you were able to make some good memories with your son ~ Hopefully things are looking brighter today ~

    Hugs - Judy