Here We Go Again...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by stressedmama, Nov 20, 2015.

  1. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    Not shocking, but SD relapsed. She checked herself into a detox a couple weeks ago, got out and went to a recovery house which she got kicked out of after less than 2 weeks. Went to another recovery house a couple days ago and they told her she had to go back to detox or she couldn't stay.

    Well...she was supposedly following (in her car) a housemate who works for a detox center to check in yesterday morning. Housemate said she veered off in a different direction, texted she would meet her there later and then disappeared. Wouldn't answer anyone's calls or texts. Her mom and dad both thought she was dead. I thought she was playing games to drive them crazy.

    Turns out she was arrested for a myriad of charges involving driving under the influence, running over road signs, driving the wrong way down the highway, etc. We only found out because hubs filed a missing person's report. Luckily no one was hurt and the car has minimal damage.

    Anyway, she was so completely wasted and the usual bs happened with her throwing tantrums, threatening to run away, live on the streets, hoping to get hit by a car, blah, blah, blah.

    The real miracle that happened yesterday was that hubs, the ultimate enabler, turned the corner. Or should I say, turned the whole block. He's so done. He's taking the car away, not giving her any money, etc. I told him the only response to give if she calls complaining about being homeless and hungry, etc is "I'm sure you will work it all out. I love you." I think he finally gets it!!
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ugh ugh ugh, I'm so sorry. I'm glad your husband is finally on the same page. I have been exactly where you are, your story brings back so many memories. Stay strong, sometimes anger helps us in that.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry she scared you so much. I hope hubby really has turned the corner. Post that phrase by the phone and near where he usually sits/stands when on the phone. Print out a list of local soup kitchens and shelters and have copies by your doors. Give them to her when she wants to come into your home. I hope she does not have keys to your home, but if she does, change the locks. Don't let her in to keep begging for money and other things, just hand her a copy of the list and close the door on her.

    I am sorry this is such a tough road. (((((hugs)))))
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It will really help now that you and your husband are on the same page. It is easier to stay strong together.

  5. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    We are staying strong together, thankfully. He's been hanging in there these past few weeks. She is never allowed to move back home. That's the ONLY thing he has been consistent with since Sept 2014 when all heck broke loose.

    She needs so desperately to be in a long-term facility. Unfortunately, there aren't any around here and the ones in nearby states are self pay that she can't afford and we are done shelling out money so....she's been bounced around to 3 different places over the last 3 weeks and will be bounced out of the one she's in soon. We don't know where she's going next, but we know it's not our home. And it's not our problem to deal with.

    Hubs had so much hope for her when she went to detox and rehab the first time. Not so much this time. He said he's preparing himself for her to fail again and end up dead. Sad, really. Bud this is the reality a lot of us have to come to terms with. It's very hard at this point to be optimistic.
  6. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    If she would consider coming to Georgia she could attend the program that my daughter just finished. It is a year long program but they will accept her car as partial payment and then when she gets far enough into the program, she can get a job and pay them back. My daughter was able to pay for her whole treatment working at McDonald's and she felt really good about being able to do that on her own.

    I am SO sorry you are yet again on the roller coaster...
  7. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    It sounds great in theory. But I don't see her agreeing to going that far away for any reason. She just doesn't have the motivation M did/does. And her car is no longer her car. After this last accident, DUI, etc, we took it back. We paid for it and she's not hocking it for any reason. If anything, we will sell it and use the money for our grandson's daycare tuition.

    Her boyfriend told us he's sick of her talking about all these things she wants to do, etc but never follows through. And that was when she was clean! She's more afraid of success than she is of failure. Short of some serious therapy (which she won't make the effort to do), she's never going to get out of her own way.
  8. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    While the circumstances stink, its a blessing that hubby is coming/has come around. This is too stressful of a road to travel when you have to fight not only the addict, but the enablers too.
  9. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    Hubs started to waiver yesterday. I called the place she was in last year to see if they had any openings and if they would take her back since she didn't finish the program the first go-round. She's on a short waiting list. She would need to get a job within the first 2 weeks so he started talking about giving her the car. He's just not thinking clearly. He then said she's probably going to lose her license due to the DUI and came back around to her not getting the car because she won't be allowed to drive anyway. He's talking about how he thinks she's going to need an attorney, etc and I told him we just don't have the money and maybe she can get a public defender or something.

    He said he just doesn't want to set her up for failure. I reminded him we did everything we could to support her last time. We did everything right and she still failed. It's on her to decide if she's going to make it or not. And I also told him most everyone else in that halfway house doesn't have a car and they make it somehow.

    He's just still so torn between his head and his heart. Anyway, next time he speaks with her, he will give her the information I got for her to call and see if there's an opening at the halfway house and then it's on her to decide if she's going to take advantage of this opportunity.

    Honestly, I think the only reason she's gone to detox and these short-term rehabs over the last 3 weeks is because she had nowhere else to go. It was either that or the street. We'll see...
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi SM
    Oh dear, I feel for you. It is hard enough dealing with D c issues, and trying to work with the yo-yo head and heart feelings of your beloved. I know the story, sigh.
    One day at a time.
    Just got to take it as it comes, and take good care of ourselves. I hope you have some time to do kind things for yourself.
    So sorry for the stress and pain of it.
    I am right there with you......
  11. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    Thanks Leafy. I take what I can get as far as time for myself. I work full time and we have guardianship of S c's 4-year-old - my 2nd full-time commitment! I don't call it a job because he really is the light in our lives.

    To add insult to injury, his bio dad came to town Thanksgiving week. Our grandson has face timed with him over the years but he hasn't physically seen him in 2 years. And that was just for a day. GS was excited to see him, however, bio dad showed up with a wife and another child. We had no idea so had no chance to prepare GS for it. Bio dad and his parents were very rude, insulting and threatening when questioned as to why they didn't tell us. Said it was none of our business, bio dad's a man and he can do whatever he wants. OK. Whatever dude. We just would have suggested bio dad come to our home to spend time with GS alone for a little while first to establish a little one-on-one connection. They said we were just being controlling. If you consider looking out for this boy's best interest and taking care of him in the aftermath of their choices controlling, then so be it. The nerve!

    There is no court ordered visitation with anyone-just our guardianship so we have final say over everything. Bio dad's parents usually take GS 1 day every other weekend for the day. Any time they have asked for additional time, they have gotten it. They have never asked for an overnight, and at this point, we wouldn't allow it. GS won't let me out of his sight when we are home and the one time we tried an overnight with my parents, daughter and granddaughter, it was a total bust. We had to go pick him up at 10:30 pm and bring him home. He was inconsolable. He's just not ready. But we do take advantage of the time they have him to do things for ourselves.

    But wait! There's more!

    Bio dad decided the day before Thanksgiving to file a petition for visitation on behalf of his parents. He is "gifting" his "parental visitation" to his parents since he lives out of state. How can you gift something you don't have? Can't wait to see how this turns out. We still have to file our answer.

    I look forward to someday being drama-free. I can hope, right?!
  12. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Sorry, but I have to laugh just a little bit at this as Lil and I are the complete opposites. She is the one who waffles, worries that he is being set up for failure, etc... and I'm the one taking the hard line. Just remember, change takes time. Not only in our Difficult Child's but in us as well. Your husband is coming around and will get there eventually. He will backslide and enable from time to time. Be understanding that he is in a different place in the journey than you. Trust me when I say that from this point on it gets easier. Well, with your spouse anyway!! Congratulations on the step forward in the journey.
  13. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    Thanks Jabber!
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    OMG, how can people be so heartless?????? UGH!!!!

    Good for you. We had our grands for a short while. Then back to their crazy parents. Sad, hard to do, but what else could we do????

    Good for you SM. Our grands deserve stability, God bless you folks.

    Poor dear. Life is hard for them.....

    "Idiots!" says leafy (sorry, it makes me mad how selfish people are.) I hope you are successful in bucking this. Sheesh.

    UGH again. Yes drama free. Hope.
    You hold on to that grandbaby of yours real tight SM, that is a real blessing, for the both of you. I am so glad that you have him, and he has you! Such love.

    I wish the authorities could spend one day with my grands, see how they are living.
    All I can do is pray, pray, pray for all of them.

    God bless
  15. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    Heartless and thoughtless. But then again, they spend the day with him, have fun, fill his head with crap, then drop him back off to us to deal with. They just don't get how their actions and words affect him.

    The part I left out previously was that after we found out bio dad filed something (we didn't know what it was and the court wouldn't tell us) we did not allow bio dad and his family to see him on their planned visits Wed night and Thursday. For all we knew, bio dad filed an emergency petition to get him back and take off with him. That would just ruin this poor child. Worse yet, we had no idea if our daughter had given permission for bio dad to get a passport as bio dad is from another country. We only knew he filed because we suspected he might so hubs and I pretty much stalked family court for 2 days and hubs ran into him. When hubs asked what was filed, bio dad gave a couple different answers because he couldn't come up with his lie fast enough. That was it. We were done. We could not take a chance that bio dad would flee the state, or the country, for that matter with GS. We took a family trip instead. Bio dad had gone back home by the time we got back.

    Needless to say, bio dad's parents weren't happy with us. I'm confident inappropriate things were said to and around GS when they had him this past Sunday. We could tell as soon as he came home. Very angry, hitting, kicking tantrums. The whole nine. UGH.
  16. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you did the right thing. Never have been able to understand the mentality of someone who can put their own desires above the needs of their children. Then again, I guess that's just like not understanding the criminal mentality. The day I understand is the day I join the club.
  17. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh Lordy, never ending. My heart goes out to you SM, lots and lots of prayers. Heaven help us.....
  18. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member


    Thanks everyone for your support, kind words, encouragement and empathy!