Here we go again...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Alejandra, Oct 17, 2017.

  1. Alejandra

    Alejandra New Member

    Well, I haven’t post since June, because I have gotten much better handling my daughter situation but here we go again , only this time is my son...I guess is a never ending story with our adult children, but I have to said I’m definitely more prepared now after going thru hell with our daughter.She is doing well, working a full time and working her program of recovery from substance abuse, taking her medications for bipolar disorder , depression and anxiety and as long as she take care of herself , she functions .Now is my son, he doesn’t use drugs but obviously he have some depression or maybe just trying to control our lives, the reality is, I never live up to his expectations, everything I do or said can upset or hurt him and honestly I’m done trying because is never enough, always bringing stuff from the past and blame me of everything or anything, from being a bad mother and not giving him anything ( obviously not true) We sacrifice so much my husband and I for this kids that I think that was our mistake,now that we are in our fifties , we finally got our new home in a beautiful community and we are enjoying our life, well is that what bothers them? Anyway, he is 31 and I have apologized for what he said I did wrong but what else can I do? Now he is not responding to my messages, since about a week and just because he find out I went to dinner with his sister...really? I feel he always wants to control my life and is not happening ... and yesterday her partner call me, saying he is worry because he is very depressed...I can’t force him to get help, he is not even talking to me,( this is the second time he stops talking to me) what am I supposed to do? Any advice...thank you for listening, I didn’t want to go into details so it won’t be too long but I hope I get some advice from any of you going thru the same thing. I have been taking care of myself and I’m so much better at detaching with love but is this the right thing to do?
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you are going thru this Alejandra. It is so difficult when our kids act out and treat us badly.

    There is nothing you can do. You didn't cause this and you can't control it. Your son is an adult, he can choose anything he wants. What we as parents have to do is to learn how to accept what we can't control. Not easy. But necessary for our own well being and peace of mind.

    I would suggest you read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.

    You might gain some perspective from reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty.

    If your son is depressed or has some kind of mental issue, you can call NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can access them online. They have excellent courses for us parents and they can offer you information, guidance, support and resources. Give them a call.

    At some point in a young adult's life it becomes necessary for them to launch and to stop blaming us for their lives, it is now up to your son to figure out his life without dragging you thru the mud and accusing you of bad parenting. Whatever kind of parent you were, and I'm sure you were a good Mom, it is now up to him.

    I would not engage with him once the blame starts. Let him know you will no longer tolerate his accusations. Stop feeling guilty, it will only keep you wrapped around his blaming finger. You did your best, now let it go. There is nothing left for you to do but to let go. Don't accept the blame. When you do you give him license to not take responsibility for his own life. At 31, he is not a little kid, he is a grown man, an adult, he needs to act like one. He needs to man up and stop blaming Mommy.

    If he chooses not to speak to you, what is left for you to do is accept his choice and do your level best to have a life of your own. Otherwise all the moments of your own life will be dependent on whatever choice he is presently making. That will set you up to ride the hamster wheel directly into the rabbit hole. Don't do it. If you haven't already, find yourself a good therapist and work thru it with her/him. You don't deserve to be blamed, you did your job, now it's up to him.

    Take care of yourself now. Put yourself as the priority. Focus on you and your needs. Find ways to enjoy life.
     
  3. Alejandra

    Alejandra New Member

    Thank you! I know , I had been down this road with my daughter first, so I have worked on my recovery and I’m doing well and I don’t feel guilty anymore and I did tell him that I won’t tolerate him constantly blaming me, I am practicing detachment and I really don’t have time for anymore drama....
     
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  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I think you are doing really good. You have been there for your children, you have helped them the best you can. Now it's up to them. I'm glad to hear your daughter is doing better. I hope she continues doing well.
    Your son is 31 and is struggling with his own identity. I think this is very common with our adult children, especially when we as the parents gave them everything. I think it's really hard for them to figure out that we the parents are no longer going to give them everything and make their life easy. They can become very resentful because of this. It's time your son learns how to take care of himself.
    As for you not living up to your sons expectations, you don't need to. You have raised your son the best you could. Like all of us I'm sure you made mistakes. We have all done the best we could and with that, it's time to move on.
    Try not to worry when you don't hear from him. Let him have the time and space he needs.
    I would go months without hearing from my son and when I did it was because he wanted something from me, usually money.
    Now is the time for you to enjoy your life. You now have your new home so enjoy it.
     
  6. Alejandra

    Alejandra New Member

    Thank you so much Tanya! Is funny because I even came to terms with me not being a good mother lol... God have forgive me and I have forgive myself , like you said ...is time for me to move on! What you said makes a lot of sense, I think he is having a very hard time accepting that my life doesn’t revolves around him anymore and I actually have a life of my own,they need to grow up and actually become adults. I will definetly stop my text messages and let him figure it out.