Heroin Addict

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Adaly07, Nov 23, 2017.

  1. Adaly07

    Adaly07 New Member

    Hello All,
    I found this forum after doing a search for disowning adult children, I need to vent. My situation is so secret even my closest friends and my family have no idea what I am going through (i live in another state from family so its not hard to hide) Only my sister knows whats happening.
    My middle son is 25 . After the things he did today the bridges have been burned, I want to say I am 100% done but he has a way of drawing me back in.
    He has always been a difficult child from the minute he was born. He cried so much and was so angry as a baby and toddler friends and family stayed away. He is so verbally abusive. I spent years being tormented and bullied by him. Ive lost friends, jobs and my sanity over this kid. There are times I would try and go to work and he would get in my car and just calmly sit there all defiant with his arms crossed calling me the most vile names and refusing to get out of my car. You Effing C**t. You absolute piece of S**t mom. You are such a loser, a disappointment, no wonder everyone hates you, your such a crappy mother. And then he would laugh at me, I had to call the police many times to get him removed from my car but in the end I always looked like a bad parent who cant control thier kid.
    He is always running his mouth and being super hateful.At age 13 he was diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder. He was medicated but refused to take medication. The counselors we went to changed every week and there was no consistency. The only unit in our area that dealt with bi-polar kids actually quit seeing us because we missed 2 appointment in a row. I couldn't get him in my car and they said i need to learn to control my kid better,,,,,ugh.
    So I pulled him out of high school and sent him to Job Corp. The only thing he learned there was how to sell drugs . He did get his GED and i allowed him to come back home if he went to college. He did sign up for classes but quickly dropped out and gave me false reason after false reason.

    At 17 he was arrested for having a small amount of pot on him and went through what our county calls the PAY program. What a joke, He was court ordered to stay clean, attend classes, write 3 letters to me, 1 telling me nice things about our family, one thanking me for all the sacrifices i made and 1 apologizing for his bad behavior. He had to also do 40 hours of community service. He did none of these. He told me that he was not going to pass a drug test and I told him he needed to take responsibility for himself so he called the states attorneys office to let them know he wont pass their drug test,,,,the woman on the phone told brandon she was happy he was honest and she wont test him that month so he wont fail,,,WTF???......Also when he called her I always had him on speaker phone because he would lie to me about the things they said and the woman actually criticized me for that and told my son from now on their meetings would take plce in her office,,,,,,then without warning they passed him from the PAY program even though he didnt complete a single thing that was court ordered.

    The next few years are a swirl of heavy drug use, attempted suicide attempts, homelessness, 3 kids with 3 moms who he has abandoned and then a junkie wife, He married her so he can visit her in rehab.

    He has spent the last few weeks trying to convince me that he is getting clean. He has infections in his arms from using dirty needles and has been hospitalized,

    I made the decision to not invite him for thanksgiving, I cant have him here, He cusses up a storm, calls me Dude, talks nasty in front of my stepkids who are 15 and 16 , makes crude comments and constantly makes fun of me. Instead I cooked him a dinner to take to him.

    Well he didnt answer any of my messages all night and finally messaged me at 4 am. Something else I keep asking him to stop doing, He refuses to accept any boundaries that are set. If i ask him to not call or text after 10 pm he will blow up my phone starting at midnight and then call me names .

    So this morning He sent me a picture of a nasty injury , he claims he was bitten by a spider but you can clearly see its from a needle.At 4 am. I didnt respond and ask if he was ok and he lost his ever loving mind,

    He told me to not even bother bringing him food today and started acting like the victim, Why do you treat me like this, how can you not care about your son, your my mom etc etc,,,all because i didnt respond at 4 am because i was sleeping.

    Lots of words were exchanged and i eventually ended up taking him his food. My husband told me hat he feels my son was high as a kite and i kind of didnt want to believe him.

    I get to where my son is staying and he comes walking out of the house filthy and covered in sores and some flea ridden crackhead girl was with him as well.He refuses to look at me and will only address my husband saying how can you be with her, she is so hateful, look at the texts she sends me, who talks to thier kid like that? My husband says he saw all the messages and i never once spoke bad to him.He then takes the box of food i gave him and kicked it across his driveway, This girl i have never seen before is in my face calling me all kinds of names and saying shes going to kick my :censored2:. Hes calling me an Effing C**nt and saying to suck his ****. Hes calling me all kinds of names and saying im a shitty person and he effing hates me blah blah bah,,,,,,,,,i am so done with this, I have been listening to his abuse for years and i want to be done, I cant do this anymore. I need to cut him off completely,

    Last week he told me he dropped 100 hits of acid and it changed his life forever and hes a good person now and is going to change.

    Anyway I am sorry this is long, I just really need to vent, I keep re-living the argument over and over again and it feels surreal. I mean who talks to thier mom like that and allows another stranger to speak to thier mom that way?

    Thank you for letting me vent and get this out,
  2. I'm glad you found this site. I agree that this would feel surreal. Have you considered going to Nar Anon or Al Anon? To answer your question as to who speaks to their mom that way. I would answer a drug addict who is in a psychotic state and under the influence of drugs. This was not an argument. This was an attack on you. There is an article on Detachment in the Parent Emeritus section of this site. I think you can start by reading that. I really don't think you should allow him to come to your house anymore. His behavior to you is abusive and unacceptable. Since he has a history of Bi-polar, you might try to see if your county has a mental health crisis team. In my county, if the person is drunk or high, they won't offer any help. However, with your son having injuries and being mentally ill, you might call your local Adult Protective Services. I did this with my son once and they used their power to force the mental health to commit him. Your local police might be a good place to start. They have a wealth of information on mentally ill and drug addicts and could give you a recommendation. Please stop keeping this a secret and reach out to the services in your community to get help....especially for yourself.
  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Hello, Adaly, and welcome

    Goodness, how you have been thru the wringer. I am sorry you are in in right now but glad you found us.

    The first thing that hit me after I read your post is that there is absolutely no point in arguing with someone who is in the grips of addiction. It either ends badly, or...if it doesn't, the things you say don't matter because they were high when it happened and that doesn't count.

    The bottom line is that you DON"T need to put up with that.

    My personal opinion is that if he ever quits using long enough to see things more clearly, you MIGHT want to try to re-establish a relationship. If he doesn't, there's really no point in doing so.

    The addict is not your son, but your son won't realize that until he sees where the addict will lead him. The less you interfere with that learning process, the faster your son will see that.
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  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome Adalay

    You are not alone. This is a secrete that is destroying you to keep. Let the secret go and get help for yourself.

    A great book I read when I started in this group was “Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You”. And another that is excellent is Codependent No More.

    Do focus on you and seeek help for yourself.
    This is not your fault. You didn’t Cause it you Can’t Cure it and you Can’t Control it.

    Your son is mentally ill and a drug addict. Regardless he is making the choices he is making and is capable of seeking help and support; he is refusing to do this. You can not help someone who can not help themselves.

    You have tolerated enough for a thousand life times. Letting go with love is sometime all we have left to
    This is beyond frustrating. I too have danced with the legal system and my AS and lost my mind at how inept it is.

    This is a swirl of stress and anxiety for you.

    A kindness I do not even think he deserved for his recent behaviour.

    Block him, turn off your phone. The minute you hear a tyraid on voice mail stop listening and delete it. Same for text messages. Then inform him you are blocking him for 72 hours. If he begins again do it again.

    Don’t engage this behaviour. It serves no purpose.

    A break may be a good thing for you.

    Of course because 100 Hits of acid is how one goes about becoming a good person and changes their drug habits.

    Exactly so please do not tolerate this behaviour.

    Your son can make choices and he is making them. He can choose to seek help and get well.

    Do take care of yourself and your family. It is never easy when our hearts argue with our brains. When doing the right thing feels wrong. That is life with Mental illness and drug addiction. Love the son but not the addiction. Do not enable. Set good solid boundaries and not all at once. Build your competence and ability a bit at a time.

    You have been through so much. Do knkwntou are not alone.
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  5. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I’m thankful today that you found this place.

    You don’t have control over his addict choices but can control what you will accept in the relationship.

    Raising the bar would at least challenge him to be better in some aspect of his life.

    He might not meet the challenge but you would not be compromising yourself anymore. It hasn’t done any good in the past, has it?
  6. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Well, he's got a needle abcess...most likely from shooting up pills. Either it'll get better on its own. He'll seek medical attention and it'll get better. Or...he'll seek medical attention too late and lose his arm. Or he won't seek medical attention and die of sepsis.

    I'm not trying to scare you. This is rock bottom junkie reality. Also reality is that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it.

    This is also YOUR rock bottom reality: He'll live or he'll die, and you have absolutely NO control over that. There is nothing you can do to fix or save him.

    At this point, all you can do is save yourself and your family, if any. You do that by cutting him off--completely.

    It's hard and it's horrible. Perhaps the most horrible thing a parent can face. Knowing their child is effectively dying and not even being able to comfort them.

    You have the hardest role. You have to go on living. Please, detach so you CAN go on living. If you don't, you will go down with him...as surely as if you were shooting the poison into your own veins.
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  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Adaly, welcome to CD, sorry for your need to be here.
    My, what a post. It is horrible, unacceptable treatment. I am sorry for the years you have gone through this.
    He is 25, has mental issues and abuses drugs. Self medicating, but won’t take medications to help his condition. There are others on the board who have experienced this. I have to an extent with my two, not as drastic as your post, but I do suspect drug use has either created issues or exacerbated existing conditions.
    Either way, my d cs are adults and will do as they choose.
    It seems your son is choosing drugs, bad company and continued abuse of his mother.
    That’s just unacceptable Adaly, mental issues, or not.
    It seems you are used to him treating you like this. That’s sad, for him and for you.
    I have read posts here where Moms won’t tolerate ill treatment, will hang up the phone or go no contact for a while until d cs learn to be respectful.
    I do the same. It’s because I matter. So do you.
    I don’t blame you for not having him in your home. He is not behaving.
    I would not have done this. You are very, very kind.
    This is okay to do.
    Going no contact for your own sanity is okay Adaly. Your son has to learn that it is unacceptable to treat you this way. You need a well deserved break.
    You are right, who does that? You do not deserve to be treated so disrespectfully.
    I remember feeling this way after the chaos and drama my two brought to our lives. I decided to stop trying to fix something I have no control over. To not accept mistreatment. Although I love my two, I will no longer put up with disrespect, for me and my home.
    Do you think it’s possible Adaly that through all of these years of mistreatment by your son from when he was a minor until now, that you have been conditioned to accept the mistreatment?
    It is truly unfortunate that you were not able to find treatment for him and that even now authorities turn a blind eye to his actions.
    Just because he is your son, does not mean you have to take his abuse.
    There is an article on detachment on the PE forum. It helps to read it to figure out how to disentangle yourself from the feelings that you have to do something, or even anything.
    You have a life to live. You matter. Removing ourselves from toxic relationships does not mean we do not love the person. We should not and can not tolerate abuse. For some folks here, stepping back has helped their d cs understand that the same old, same old will not work.
    Learning new ways to live is not an easy thing. We get used to certain routines and behaviors, even intolerable ones. Do one small kind thing for yourself. It has been a long difficult road you have been on. The surreal feeling you have is your inner self telling you that this is not right. It is your conditioned self telling you this is how it is. There is a battle going on inside of you.
    Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
    We can’t change our d cs, so, we have to change.
    Start by taking very good care of yourself. It is not wrong to take a step back and take a break.
    In fact, it would help your son to see that you will not put up with the awful way he treats you.
    He is an adult.
    You are his mother.
    He is responsible for his actions.
    You have the right to be treated kindly.
    Stand up for yourself.
    You will figure this out Adaly.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
    You deserve peace and you are not alone.
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  8. Adaly07

    Adaly07 New Member

    Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.
    Since I dont know how to individually reply to each one I will comment on some of the things mentioned.

    Normally I would think it was definitely his addiction calling me those names and treating me the way he does bu sadly he used to treat me that way long before the drug use. Has anyone every seen the movie Father's Day with Robin Williams? When I saw that movie for the first time I swear i felt my heart lighten as obviously someone else has had this issue with thier kid for a movie to be made .

    2 months ago he was hospitalized with endocarditis. He told me it was from an injury at work, I believed him and the doctor I spoke to actually told me he might not survive the week. I took a couple days off and spent the first day by his side in the hospital, When he first woke up after surgery ( he had an abscess on his arm ) We actually had fairly decent conversation. Then the withdrawals started. I found out a few hours later that everything he was going through was actually from heroine use, He did give the DR permission to tell me everything and I was then advised this was his 3rd hospitalization in 6 months with endocarditis. They wanted to keep him for 28 days on a high dose of antibiotics,,,,,,,,at first he was agreeable and then like i said the withdrawals kicked in. I sat there and watched him treat the hospital staff like crap because they wouldn't give him pain medications. Said everyone was treating him like an addict then he turned on me,,,,,I ended up walking out and leaving him there. He ended up leaving the hospital later that night against medical advice begging me for help. I hung up on him,

    A few books and an article were mentioned on detachment. I am going to check these out, Again thank you so much for all the support, I really am afraid he is going to die from all this as he was not properly treated for his illness and the Dr said its going to just tear his heart apart.
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  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am so sad for you and my heart breaks. I have not had the heroin experience, although I did have one child who took scary drugs and quit, but I am unique in that I had a child, like you, who seemed difficult from Day One and still is. He is 40 and nicer than he was in his 30s, but still not really that nice. I wont talk to him for three days if he abuses me verbally.

    My son is not as extreme as your son, but drugs are not involved. But he was never that sweet little boy everyone talks about. I did not know first hand what a sweet little baby/toddler was like until I adopted three other kids and THEY were all such sweet little ones.

    We have mean people in my family tree. I truly believe Son was dealt some DNA that makes life hard for him. He also always seemed to lack empathy. I can only imagine how he would have been on drugs. I believe my son who is now 40 has narcicistic traits, like my dad. My mother was very mean to me. Borderline traits there. I think my moms brother had narcicistic traits. I have a mood disorder. Mood disorders dont cause meanness...I am not sure your son doesnt have a personality disorder. I have been in the mental health community since 23 and now I am 64. I am doing well, but have seen how hard it is for any professional to diagnose a mental health disorder since there are no blood tests...it is all a matter of the professionals's best guess. Ten mental health professionals may diagnose ten different disorders.

    I am sorry your son is this way and now an addict. You matter. If gou must detach, do it. It doesnt have to be forever. Take care of yourself. You sure can not count on this son if you get ill!

    Do you have other loved ones who are good to you? Spouse, other kinder kids, siblings? I thank God each day for my kind loved ones. I hope you have some too.
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    Last edited: Nov 24, 2017
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry Adaly.
    Endocarditis took my husband. Three bouts of it, each one harder than the other to erase. Two and three weeks in the hospital, 6 weeks on intravenous antibiotics at home.
    He suffered more than I knew, because I know now, that severe infection affects everything.
    He became reclusive and angry.
    It was hard.
    His endocarditis was due to infection in the blood stream that traveled and hid in his valve replacement.
    Bacteria is clever.

    Endocarditis is also cause by needle use.
    As you well know.
    I am sorry.
    Nobody wants to lose their child due to their choices and habits.
    It is something I think of often, try to prepare myself for what may well indeed be.
    My two are deep into addiction, oldest on meth, living in a park, middle girl on crack.
    Their habits and hauntings, friends, all contribute to their demise in personality, physical and mental health, mistreatment of family.

    It still does not excuse them in their abuse of loved ones.

    It still does not require me to give up on my peace, and to allow them to tread on me.

    I am left with prayer.
    On sad days, I may say "It is all I have", but, I have learned it to be a powerful thing.
    When we are faced with impossible situations, prayer is empowering.
    I do not mean to force my belief on anyone.
    Just sharing what helps me.

    The detachment article is a very good start.

    Even though you are faced with this hard reality with your sons health, the looming truth is that he is abusive to you.
    Endocarditis is treatable.
    He chooses not to treat it.
    He chooses to deny treatment for his mental stability, he chooses to use heroin.........
    and he chooses to mistreat you.

    What choice do you have?

    My two are abusing powerful, mind altering, health snatching drugs. When they are near me, they become verbally abusive.

    What choice do I have?
    It is a horrible thing to have to face.

    It is, what it is.

    I am sorry for your anguish and situation.
    You are not alone, Adaly.
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  11. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I am so sorry. Your son is deep into it, and sadly, using dirty needles/shooting pills.

    It's likely the same case of endo that he's never gotten rid of.

    Leafy, my husband had it, too. An infection in his fused artificial hip that spread to his heart.

    A month in the hospital. IV antibiotics in hospital and later at home (he had a port), and he recovered with minimal valve damage. (Oddly, at the time of his death,his heart was in good condition. There was slight scarring, but the valves closed perfectly The rest of his organs were a nightmare, but his heart was good.)

    Endo is the result of a bloodstream infection. Your son is dicing with death, even more so than just the usual injectable drug use.

    Part of this is because we do not make clean needles available to IV drug users. Part of this is because of what he is shooting and technique (not using filters, etc.)

    (Yes, there are things IV drug users can do to keep themselves "healthy". Your son isn't doing what he can do, and/or doesn't have access. The latter very likely in many parts of the US.)

    I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. And yet...there is nothing you can do. The only pain medications hospitals will give him is the minimum needed to get him through surgeries and injuries.

    My husband didn't even know he had endocarditis. His hip hurt like hell, but he later said he was only aware of an intermittent dull ache in his chest that he attributed to muscle strain for using crutches and a walker.

    Your son is sicker and probably does notice shortness of breath, fatigue, etc. If he doesn't stay in treatment long enough to get the endocarditis cleared up, he will suffer irreversible damage.

    Before you worry too much about him not getting pain medications, I should point out that no hospital will allow a patient to suffer excessively, and that there are non-narcotic pain medications that are quite effective.

    One of them, Toradol, is an anti-inflammatory that I've had several times in a hospital setting (ER) because I prefer it to narcotics. I can personally say it is extremely effective and long-lasting, and can be given for 5 days at a time.
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome and I'm so sorry for your sadness and pain.

    I agree with the other advice but would recommend that you see a therapist for yourself that has experience with addiction. My therapist helped me create strong but loving boundaries with our son.

    HE needs this as much as you do.

    We have been down a long road with our son also and thus far it has not escalated to needles but it certainly could have.

    Do you have anyone that supports you? There is a stepfather for your son? Does he see his own father? Do you have any other children other than the two step?

    There is no quick fix. That is the reason why we all stress how important it is to take care of yourself. I'd turn my phone off if I were you when you are sleeping. You need your rest. Stress can kill us. I agree with the others that I would have little to no contact with him right now.

    Keep posting and reading here. It helps a lot.