Hitting you folks up for ideas/support

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Loony Smurf, Jan 18, 2014.

  1. Loony Smurf

    Loony Smurf Member

    Well, This is the first time I've hit up this board. Until recently my over 18 one was pretty much a easy child. my next oldest wasn't 18 yet. How things change lol.

    My 20 yr old used to be a great kid. He still mostly is, just basically driving us crazy. He's in his last semester of college (2 class combined block of 3 hours 1 day a week), majoring in restaurant management/culinary arts. He works part time for 2 places. No issue there, but he's also selling Amway...which drives me nuts. He's convinced he's going to get rich off of it, spends most of his money on it, goes out of town to all sorts of events for it (which also cost a fortune). He schedules off of work for it, doesnt get homework done. And his next person up/mentor whatever he is...is his best friend. He's turned into a total salesman, ugh. And this other kid has him at his beck and call all the time. If he shows up at midnight at the house, he expects my son to take off with him. Which he does, regardless of the house rules forbidding it. He pretty much does what he wants, getting more and more disrespectful. I hate to have to kick him out just yet since he probably won't finish school if i do, and he has no money to get a place. Said 'friend' still lives with his mom lol.

    Then there's my 18 yr old. The kid has pretty serious emotional problems. He's definitely socially anxious and inept. Used to think Aspie fitted him pretty well. He has a learning disability in writing. He has terrible hygeine, won't ask anyone for a job, couldnt fill out an application on his own that would be at all presentable considering he can't spell or write legibly. He's really smart. He's awesome at math and science and technology including mechanics. But boy does he have an attitude with the rest of us at home. He volunteers for our church running the sound board and computer system, he's done various odd jobs for folks from there when asked, never hesistates to help them. at home of course...not so much lol. I had him fill out an application for occupational rehab this week, so maybe they can help him with getting a job. My biggest problem with him is how he treats everyone else, especially my son that was just diagnosed with schizophrenia spectrum and psychotic disorder. I know his abuse will make that disorder worse.

    I guess I'm kinda stuck with these two for at least a few more months, until 20 yr old gets done with school and a real job, and 18 yr old finally gets a job and shows he can do it.

    If anyone has ideas, I'd be glad to hear them. I live in a little town of about 40k people, not like there's many places for them to go, no family in the state or anything.
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Tell the 18 year old that he needs to find some more volunteer opportunities and then line them up for him. Getting him out of the house will help some.

    Tell the 20 yr old next time he leaves the house in the middle of the night the locks will be changed. He is not doing amway business at midnight so if he is breaking the rules he needs to have consequences. He can regain entry to the house and his property when he agrees to the rules.

    Sounds like he is doing a dang good job of failing out of school and losing a job all by himself. As long as you all put up with it this will continue and he will most likely continue to make the bad decisions with or without you.

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi LS, you may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. For your kids who have emotional or mental issues, you might look online for NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have chapters everywhere with excellent courses for parents and resources for our kids.

    Setting boundaries and house rules with consequences will help, along with identifying what it is you want, what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do. You have to be clear in what you want the kids to adhere to, what the rules are and then enforce them. There have to be clear consequences too, so they know what to expect if they break the rules.........you can't be inconsistent or give in or your word and your rules will mean nothing.

    Do not allow your sons to disrespect you. How you allow yourself to be treated is how you end up being treated, don't allow it.

    Keep posting it helps.
  4. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I agree with the posts above. Regarding your 18 year old...my mom's rule applies--you don't have to like your siblings but you have to be nice to them. Period. Not nice, especially at his age, means not participating in family benefits, such as travel, movies, meals, or...ultimately...living at home.
    Not much you can do for an 18 year old aspie...sometimes getting out of your house and living with a peer group is the best thing that can happen to them. Friends won't tolerate disgusting hygiene for long.
    Regarding the 20 year old...leaving the house at midnight is cause for expulsion, even if he claims it is job related (even if it IS job related and you have a rule against it). If he is married to AMWAY, and you have said your piece...not much more you can do on that front. I am going to tattoo "HE IS NOT DEAF" on the back of my hand...--cause at 20, he can do it if he wants to and he won't hear you advise him otherwise, even if you say it 100 times.
    I'm sorry your kids are giving you such headaches. Set some clear firm boundaries and stick to them and see how that works.