Holiday Haywire Happenings

[Nomad]

Well, once again...it's holiday time and there is difficult child haywire happenings.
(This past Christmas was a real beauty!)

difficult child broke up with her "boyfriend" about a month ago. He, I strongly suspect, is an alcoholic. Everyone agrees it is for the best. However, I strongly suspect difficult child secretly wishes she could get back with him. They agree to be "friends."

He tells difficult child he needs $90 due to some trouble he got himself into and asks if he could do yard work for her family again. She asks us. I say "no." husband says "yes."

Oh my! Yesterday...a scene from a soap opera. Everything was going well. The boy was working hard. Then...husband went to get sandwhiches from a local sub shop...we had coupons, etc. difficult child went with him.

There was a ring at the door...doorbell. The boy asked to come in and I said okay...long story short...I caught him trying to steal something...in another part of the house about two mins. later.

I called husband, who was on his way home...very nearby. He called the police. At first the boy wanted to stick around to apologize to husband...then changed his mind and took off. difficult child took off after him! She then told the police that mom (moi) doesn't like her or him and exaggerates, etc. She implied that I probably made the entire thing up!

The police never found anything on the boy...gave him a citation for tresspassing.

We didn't hear from difficult child last night. This morning she called saying she wants to come over for Easter dinner. She also half heartedly apologized to me for the whopper of a lie she told the police. (I'm a real straight shooter...difficult child knows this...she's worried about him going to jail. Cops didn't believe her anyway). I asked her if she wanted to hear the details of what happened (because surely he told her some crazy lie). And she said she did NOT want to hear the details.

I told her that she would have to come up with a better apology than that for me to even consider have her come to dinner today. I told her that we all care for her very much, but making a decision to "throw her family under the bus" like this was never going to be acceptable.

She then tried calling husband and our son. I was cordial...they were not.

All very sad.

I have the house BEAUTIFULLY decorated today. difficult child saw some of this yesterday... I have it in pastels...I have collected things over the years.

I'm making lamb, special ethnic soup...someone is making a low fat dessert...etc.

I also had a lovely little gift for her...it's ashame.

I'm at a loss. I left the door open a little...even though I was unsure if it was appropriate. I wanted her to not think of me as the enemy. I gave her a chance to mull over her poor choice (s). However, she continues to make poor choices repeatedly. She even yelled at husband for calling the police again (she did this yesterday too).

Surely, difficult child is desperate for a friend. A boyfriend...even more powerful. Everyone...including the boy's parents are begging her to get away from him. It is sad beyond words. She sees it one second...and doesn't see it at all another. I have printed out Al Anon info for her...husband said he might drop off something to her this week and will hand it to her.

Like it was at Christmas...her place setting at the dinner table was removed.


Thoughts?

I'm a tad sad...but looking forward to seeing our son and other family members a little later today...

 

[house of cards]

Sometimes you just have to stand your ground and accept the fall out. With what you said, what else could you do? she will come around and respect you more in the long run, you probably know that, sorry it has dampened your holiday.

 

[DDD]

I really hate having to accept things as they are instead of how they ought to be. Sending an understanding hugs your way. DDD

 

[standswithcourage]

I understand how everything can be so sad. It is just fly by the seat of your pants most of the time. There was nothing else you could have done. I hope you enjoy your other family members. Sounds like your house was really pretty.

 

[Nomad]

Thank you.
The difficulty and hardship here is that I was a little unsure about what was the proper thing to do.
However, I felt that by giving difficult child a window of opportunity to make a correction and by being open and kind to her, it would help her understand that she was loved. Sometimes I feel low self esteem is at the root of much of this. Entitlement, as well.
Certain things that were said made it clear that she shows little or no remorse and barely understands why the family is upset with her.
I believe the main reason why she attempted to apologize was to come to get a nice dinner. She said at one point..."I am sorry I said what I said to the police officer." When I asked for more info...she said "I know you know what I said." Hmmmm
When I asked her why she was sorry, she wasn't sure. When I asked her if we could discuss the situation in more detail, she said "no."
When my son spoke with her, she came very close to admitting that she knew the boy was stealing...but came short of doing so.She is protecting him. That part bothers me. What bothers me even more, is telling the police officer that I fabricated information. UGH! She kinda gets that...but will only partially say so.
It was a little peculiar. Did she want the food? Did she want her family? That part is unclear. She didn't seem to value "family." She certainly wasn't willing to say that family had value. She spoke a little mysteriously and had a lot of anger that the police were called. She didn't think the boy should be held accountable for his actions and doesn't see where she did anything wrong either. She did not want to have a real conversation about it or make a full, sincere apology.
I called her up at the very end of the day before bed and asked her if she had thought about all that had transpired. She said "yes."
"My family is mean and doesn't want me to eat Easter dinner with them."

 

[Star*]

NOmad -

I'm a little late getting to all the posts - but I am so sorry. It sounds like it was a set up. I don't think however, that you will have to worry about husband allowing this kid back to help him out. No more boy at your house sounds good.

No more daughter at your house sounds reasonable when you know how manipulative and in denial they are, but it still hurts. I bet your home was just adorable and lovely. I'm sorry she's managed to make the two most religious holidays in the last 5 months horrid.

I think your daughter would benefit from a poem I posted here before called WHY SHE STAYS. Most domestic violence shelters have it - in print and other information that may help grease her wheels of "I must save this boy with my love."

Sending huge hugs.......
Star

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Nomad, I'm so sorry to read about what happened with that boy and your difficult child. You were in an impossible situation, and you really didn't have a choice.

Sending you hugs,

Love, Esther

 

[ML]

Nothing to add except to say that I'm sorry you had to go through this. Absolutely you did the right thing in my book, but definitely not ever the easy thing. Holding people accountable is a hard thing to do but the only way to encourage healthy boundaries which are essential in relationships. Hugs ML

 

[Nomad]

Thank you everyone.
We don't believe difficult child had any prior knowledge about the situation. She seem to be in shock when it happened.
She has been depressed today. She is in denial...and she makes herself comfortable in that space by refusing to listen to any of the details or discussing it.
husband and I went to a FA meeting today. We enjoyed it a lot...but it was as I thought it would be...99% of the families were there because their children are drug users. Our situations are "different," yet there are clear similarities. One thing is certain...we as parents have our own choices to make in all of this..llike how we might react (or not react).
I did meet others who spoke about Al Anon and spoke highly of it. I had given difficult child info about that group and hope that she will go.
husband has gotten more serious about some of the enabling he has engaged in with- reference to difficult child (not that I'm completely innocent of this by any means).
difficult child lives in an apt. near our home. The great majority of her expenses are paid for through her disability coverage. husband spoke with- her today. She is allegedly suppose to be thinking about meeting with us to discuss this further...other things on the table...a "real" apology and the possiblity of her attending Al Anon. I hope for the best...but
honestly, I'm not "invested" in any of this. Life moves on...

 

[Fran]

Nomad, I just saw in your signature that difficult child had a ruptured brain aneursym. I don't believe I knew that before. How long ago?

Her choices are pretty juvenile and seem to show a lack of understanding anything that is not solid or can not be seen. She sees a holiday dinner as good food, possible gifts, festive decorations but doesn't grasp the concept of breaking bread together, shared memories or the love that goes into making a family.

She may not really get it. Her personality appears from what I have read in your posts,to be superficial. She gets the facade but not the meaning. I call this (in regards to a family member) fluff over substance. As long as it looks good, doesn't matter if there is damage on the inside parts. She wants what she sees her peers having. She would rather have a boyfriend who is less than acceptable than have nothing. She wouldn't appear able to model peers in what she sees as typical behavior and life.

Her being angry isn't unusual. it blows over in a day or two when she needs something or is in a good mood.

 

[Nomad]

Hi Fran.
difficult child was always hyper and impulsive to the extreme as a young child.
In fourth grade, she had the brain aneurysm. It was classified "gigantic." It was clipped. It bled during surgery. It was an ordeal...too long to go into here. Afterward, she immediatley went into puberty. Docs said this was common. Her impulsivity slighly worsened and the mood swings started. All extreme. Our family was devasted. We had no help. At one point, my son and I were thought to have PTSD (long story)...this was told to me by a big time highly respected social worker.

Someone at the hospital speculated that her "issues" were a direct result of having a medical problem. Others didn't wish to entertain this notion. Others said it was irrelevant because the medications she would end up getting would be the same.

Our son had always been a wonderful easy child kid. One year in high school he faltered BADLY. I recall that difficult child...surprisingly...would make fun of the way he HATED our family. That year...he just turned on us horribly. She "understood" this. (He knock on wood...is doing beautifully today!)

However, in recent times...she is the one doing this. The hatred, etc. Perhaps it is a delayed puperty. Perhaps it an attachment issue. She always had a little tendency to do this...but in the last few years...it is PROFOUND.

Since she has been in an apartment...it is curious how she seems to almost identify with folks with- no family, etc. People who have moms and dads who never cared for them in any way. She likes to care for the underdog, etc. I have heard this before about adopted kids. I think this is how they think of themselves.

I think her self talk must be very ugly...and I am clueless about how to "fix" this...the bottom line is that I don't really think I can fix it.

What in the world makes a person just decide that they are a worthy human being and deserving of a loving family?

Regarding the fluff over substance...that DOES describe the situation. She wanted an apartment when friends were going to college...but she didn't ahve a job nor was she going to college. She wasn't prepared to do a THING about it either. And she was TOTALLY CLUELESS ABOUT IT ALL. She spends all her food money...and is ANGRY when hungy. She will PAN HANDLE. Today, she threatened to do that. husband said, "If you panhandle...I will simply cut you off...that is illegal and unacceptable in my book. You spent all yoru money...now you will have to wait until the appropraite time to get additional money." Sadly, it doesn't occur to her to SAVE in the first place or to ask if she could wash my car or something....these were the things I did as a young person (although I was younger than her) when I needed a few dollars. Still...it would NEVER EVER EVER occur to me to 1) spend all my money and 2) pan handle. The thinking is so faulty. Few understand this.

It's unclear to me if toughlove will make a difference. I have friends who tell me that in the end it does...but its hard to watch the fall out until the individual recognizes that they have other choices to make. I'm willing to provide some assistance to my child...recognizing that she might have some limitations...but I think the entitlement demons need to be exiled.

 

[TerryJ2]

Aw, Nomad, I am so sorry.

You did the right thing. I think your reaction was appropriate. by the way, I hate it when my husband and I aren't on the same page!--but you are now!

I'm sure your house looked lovely (I love spring) and the meal was wonderful, and I know the feeling of sadness hanging over everything, the idea that you want to change it all. But you're stuck. This is your life, and more than that, your daughter's life. She is the type who learns everything the hard way. I don't see any changes coming up in that regard anytime soon.

I think you're going to have to drop the subject of Easter and the police unless she brings it up herself, because it will just seem like harping to her. She doesn't seem to get it. Maybe she will, somewhere down the line.
I hope she realizes who her boyfriend really is and that this gives her strength to continue with-o him.

Many, many hugs.