Hope July is a better month.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Jun 27, 2018.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Wayward 36 year old daughter still piece meals her bills. She is behind on everything. I see glimpses of her trying here and there but not for long. I had a long talk with her about her 1/2 a** boyfriend. I explained to her that he is a baby in a grown man's body, she has adopted a grown man as her baby. My daughter hates when I point things out but she knows it is the truth. 1/2 a** boyfriend's mother is not healthy and my daughter is worried that if she passes the entire blunt of her 1/2 A** boyfriend will fall on her, she knows her dad and I will not have anything to do with him. I always tell her that she will need to hold down at least 3 jobs to take care of the both of them.

    A few months back I met a woman I connected with deeply. Our lives were so similar, we drove the same type of car, same year, we loved all the same activities, we rode bikes, walked on tracks, loved to swim, love horses and we even have the same Maine coon cats. Our birthday are one day apart and we even have the same style of clothes. Reba clothes, she is the only other person of all my friends that loves Reba clothes. We both have one son and one daughter, her son almost died and she had a very awful relationship with her daughter, they went months without talking. I was so excited about this relationship with my friend because she was someone that would understand the pain and grief I have with my daughter and I thought we could walk this journey together sharing our grief. Last week my beautiful friend went to visit her daughter to try to make peace with her. The daughter was not having any of it. My friend came home last Wed and shot herself to death.. I cannot even feel my own mothers death over this overwhelming sadness over my friend dying by suicide.
    Every bone in my body aches..I did not see any signs. I know the signs. My friend was always laughing and smiling, I thought that if she shared her grief with me it would lessen the weight. I do understand the depth of pain of having a wayward daughter, the pain of rejection and the pain of watching your child go down hill. I know that pain is very great and very heavy but the pain she has given others because of her actions are even greater. That is why detatching is so important. It is so hard to do but such a life saving thing to do.

    It has been a rough year to say the least. But in the middle of all this grief I still feel some peace, I thank God for my connection with him because this type of peace can only come from HIM.
     
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry for the death of your friend - what a tragedy. Sometimes there are no signs, some people are very good at hiding their depression. It's understandable that you feel this loss SO strongly, because you felt so close to her and your situations were so similar. In a way it's like losing yourself.

    I hope you're taking good care of yourself and if this has prompted any suicidal thoughts in yourself, that you'll reach out and get help.

    Gentle hugs to you.
     
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Oh my Gosh. I was smiling when I read about your friend and your connection to her!! What a wonderful thing to have.

    And then I read about her suicide. I'm so very sorry. How shocking and tragic. I can't imagine what that must feel like.

    I hope that you are able to detach from your daughter's lifestyle. I know it's hard but you need a break!!!
     
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  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    That is so sad. No words to describe it. All I can guess is that more was probably inside of her than just her daughter...maybe depression on top of the oroblems with her daughter.

    This tragic story is why we are endangering ourselves if we put all of ourselves into the appoval of one person, including a beloved child who can not give us what we need. And many of them just CANT. Its not even vicious, they lack the ability to really love even Mom. It is nobodys fault sometimes. And it is heartbreaking.

    Now her daughter must live with this too, that she perpetrated this. She will never forget.

    We must stand strong. We must not fold. We must build lives of our own.

    I again am so terribly sad about your friend. Suicide of a dear one must be terrible to experience. I can not even imagine.

    To your friend, may she R.I.P.
     
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    Last edited: Jun 27, 2018
  5. Deni D

    Deni D Member

    Newstart ~ I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I can't even imagine how you feel. We just never know what burden others are silently carrying while showing happy face to the world.
     
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  6. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am so sorry for your loss Newstart. It is obvious that you felt a deep connection to your friend. I am sorry she felt the need to take the path she did. Please stay strong and know you are not alone. Because things look bleak at one point ( one long point) doesn't mean it will always be that way.
     
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  7. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you CrazyinVA. She must of hid it so well. I felt like I lost a close sister. It was so odd because she had 2 Halloween costumes at her home, batwoman and red riding hood, and that is the only 2 customes I had at my house, she had sunflower curtains and so did I. The list goes on and on and on and in a way you are right, it was like I lost part of myself. I am not suicidal just very dumbfounded. I now know the true meaning of the word dumbfounded.
     
  8. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    RN0441 Thank you for your compassion. It is shocking and tragic. Our connection was almost too weird because it was so similar. I believe if my friend could have learned healthy detachment it would have not had that effect on her. I really don't know how it go so bad.
     
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  9. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you for your compassion. I too believe there was more but her daughter is what hurt her the worst. I have had other friends die by suicide but not anyone I was this close to. This has ripped me to the core.
     
  10. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Deni D. We just do not know how heavy something weighs on someone. Sometimes it is a combination of many things.
     
  11. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi Tiredmama, I agree with you. I think my friend thought her and her daughter will be awful forever, I thought that at one point and then things got better. I felt a very deep connection to her because we were so much alike except my faith would not allow me to take my life.
     
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  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Newstart, I am so very sorry about your friend.......it's a stunning blow to your heart, I know. My son-in-law committed suicide....it is a very different & difficult experience for those left behind to try to wrap their heads around that choice. Newstart, I got myself into a suicide support group which was extremely helpful as I learned to walk thru all of the profound emotions I was having and everyone around me was having.....it helped me to simply be with folks who could say, " I get it." It helped enormously. If that feels right to you, calling your local Hospice may be able to direct you to a group for family & friends of someone who committed suicide.

    I'm sorry Newstart, you've had a really rough time of it....I hope you can feel the grace around you....we're all here with you...
    gentle hugs and my warmest wishes for you to be bathed in peace.
     
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  13. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you so much Recoveringenabler. Yes this suicide so close to me has me completely freaked out like I know it did when your son in law did it. It feels so raw and so odd and I feel angry that she did not get help or say anything to me or anyone else. How would I know that she had depression when she was so fit and wanted to exercise so hard? When I had depression I could not get out of bed and my speech was slow. I have what is called enviromental depression meaning I simply cannot be around mean people they give me depression. Now when I believe someone to be mean, I stay away and I have not dipped into major depression since 1992. The reason I got that awful depression is because I was around my bipolar mother in law for a week, after I got her out of my life I have never dipped that far even with the death of my son. I have to get into counseling for this huge death, it is overwhelming for me and I have such a sense of loss. My friend was intellingent, beautiful, kind, loving, giving etc etc WHY???? We will really never know why..I have not been able to grieve my mothers recent death, my friends death is so big and so engulfing. Thank you for your kind blessings I will find my way out of this but I understand I will need support to get on top of this.
     
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  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I have been thrown by the suicide of Anthony bourdain a television star I did not know. It is beyond my capacity to fathom how I would respond in your shoes. I am so very sorry.

    I do not know why some people cannot go on. Suicide arises most of the time, I would argue, from a temporary madness and not from some irrevocably tragic core. Just know that your friendship was most likely the greatest of gifts to her.

    I hope you stay with us again for awhile acacia. Take care.
     
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  15. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Hello Newstart,
    My sympathies in your loss... in our loss. " No Man is an Island" (John Donne)

    It is surprising that we often do not see or know how others, who are so near to us in time and place, are hurting day by day, as we all assume everything is fine. When I hear such a story as you told about your friend, it brings this poem to mind, which I've shared with others before. It helps remind me to try to really "see" another person, and try to show I care.

    If I Had Known

    If I had known the trouble you were bearing;
    What griefs were in the silence of your face;
    I would have been more gentle and more caring;
    And tried to give you gladness for a space.
    I would have brought more warmth into the place,
    If I had known.
    If I had known what thoughts despairing drew you;
    (Why do we never try to understand?)
    I would have lent a little friendship to you.
    And slipped my hand within your hand,
    And made your stay more pleasant in the land,
    If I had known.
    Author: Mary Carolyn Davies

    Bless us all in this journey. I am thankful we have each other in this safe place.
    Aloha and Mahalo.
     
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  16. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Newstart, I am so very sorry about the loss of your friend. I can imagine how shocked you must have been.
    What a very sad reminder to all of us that no matter how bad things get with our difficult adult children we need to stay strong. This is why I feel this site is so important. A place we can come for support and to just affirm that we are not alone in our struggles.
    With suicide, there are not always going to be signs or flags. Sometimes it's just something that happens within that moment. Regardless of signs or not, it always leaves those left behind with so many unanswered questions.

    Sending you love and hugs!!
     
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  17. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Copababana for your kind words. My friend that just died by suicide told me that our friendship meant the world to her and that she loved me and that I was a good person. I told her the same and how lucky I was to have her in my life, I felt as if I finally found a true sister friend and exercise partner..I have heard the word dumbfounded but now I know the true meaning of it. I am completely dumbfounded over her death.
     
  18. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Kalahou for your poem, insight and gentle words. I know that life is unpredictable and fragile so I gave my friend my all in our friendship, I have no should of, could have etc. Each day that we wake up is a gift from God.
     
  19. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you sweet Tanya. I am so grateful for you and others that are offering wisdom, and experience as we all connect on this site and try to get through this life journey the best we know how. I am in a complete state of shock. I have been swimming almost everyday to clear my mind and going to all the memorials and gatherings in my friends memory. My friend was radiant and so kind, she was planning on getting married soon. It has just been one week and the reality is setting in and it is so painful. I do understand I will have to go to therapy over this huge mountain. My 36 year old troubled daughter was actually kind to me yesterday, we went to my Dr appointment and then lunch. I know she can see the grief in my face and I am so pleased that she was actually kind.
     
  20. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am so very sorry for your loss NS.
     
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