Hostage in my own home

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by runawaybunny, Apr 29, 2019.

  1. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Posted on behalf of a new member who needs to change their username to protect their own privacy:

    I dont know where to start or what catagory to choose
    im a grandparent, mother of a 38 year old daughter and 18 year old grandson. daughter wont keep a job. has been in my home 5 years. grandson just turned 18. had the granddaughter here also but did an eviction got her out-- he 22 has a baby and of course living the same life her mom did in the boys parents home and doesnt allow me to see the great gran baby

    so daughter 38 grandson 18 in my home .doesnt pay me a dime
    he quit school at 6th grade doesnt no mutiplecation- play video games all day . was on probabtion, threaten me and his mom in the house probabtion let him go since he 18 did nothing for him
    so now mom get him job at wearhouse with her she lasted 3 wekks quit drives him 45 miles or more im sure will quit soon also

    vapes in the house i get a head ache and eyes burn
    they confront me saying what do u smell and because i dont know the name of it they say i am going crazy .i am 63 a realtor fignting now to keep my home and my car i had paied off in one year that i had to go barrow on again and im two months behind
    i have 100k equity
    i wokred so hard for my home- and they have nerve to tell me to sell it and get a new one this one is dirty

    i was on chemo 3 years then got hep c and went thru treatments i was done but managed. i have swollen feet i have been turned down ssi / ssa because i made 30-k annual, i dont qualify.

    they wont leave i tried to evict and they pulled a fs one one me and said she cnat rent with that on her reord so i got it clear and said i only eveicted casue she smart me and said to so i did now she wont keep a job 5 years ive had them her and now this with vaping or smoking marijuanna and haveing stuf in my refrigerator and they do what they want and call menames and by my name

    im broke i dont even have money to evict the laught at me
    the grandson said to have a heart atack and he will watch me gasping for air and laugh till i die the police dont do anything now in calif its legal

    i thought of just taking all my pils and sleeping
    but i know the lord and i wok hard for what i can do so it just a rebuke
    im at my end whits

    so now i pour clorex by the door of their room and they come out and say if they slip they will sure me i try to make them smell csomething they dont want

    help me who can i can what can i do
    i cant even get a loan to move and if i do put my house for sale i ahve to fix a few things around. im on acre 4 bedroom 2 bath yradd is major weeds. i have pumonary also i just dont have strength
     
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Welcome

    Call Aging and Disability Services and report Elder Abuse of yourself by your daughter and grandson. They must investigate all allegations of abuse, and will get the authorities involved if they see fit.
     
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  3. Deni D

    Deni D Member

    I’m so sorry to hear of your situation. It’s devastating to know as you get older instead of being cared for you are being used, and worse abused. Others will come along with much better emotional support than I can offer. I’m a cut to chase kind of person, so when you are ready here are my suggestions. I caution you to not share anything I’m suggesting with either your daughter or grandson.

    1. No more poring bleach, that’s not good for you either. If you can afford it get a green air purifier for your living space.

    2. Are you in the US? If so call your county office for elder abuse and tell them your story. See what kind of help they can offer you. DO NOT tell your daughter or grandson about anything you discuss with them.

    3. You say you have 100k equity in the home but it’s in disrepair. Consider running an auction for a house flip and moving to a rented place where you could eventually have assisted living and not have to worry about the house upkeep. You being a realtor, depending on where you live, could do much better just selling as is instead of a renovation and then sale. So many people are into flipping houses these days it’s become a sellers market in that area.

    4. I don’t understand what you said about evicting them but it seems you can’t so okay, consider they will be in the house until you are no longer in it which means you might be in a keys for cash situation to get them out. But maybe the elder abuse people can help here too.

    5. Do you have anyone else in the family or a trusted friend who can help you navigate this situation? I’m a pretty smart person but I get overwhelmed by emotionally charged situations and have a hard time working through them. I find having someone who’s removed from the emotion really helps in bad situations.

    You can do this. Picture a future where you have nice small easy place to take care of and can spend your time getting together with others who have nothing but good will for you for lunch, cards, outings and whatever makes you happy. Sometimes we put all of our eggs in the basket of counting on family. I’ve come to the conclusion that often that’s not a good idea.
     
  4. selfless mom

    selfless mom New Member

    I have called they came to my home but said because i am not in a wheel chair, and there is no sign of physical abuse, my only option is to evict them. what i did not finish was i tried and i feel for her trick and now when i try to file again the judge said i should not of allowed them back in. its called tough love but he will not allow me in court to file again since i let them back.
    the verbal abuse is beyond. i just listen and say whatever. i guess my only option is sell out take my money and go , the daughter also says to me ( see she ran away at 15- i didnt see her for 13 years- so now she back when i went looking for her when i heard she was trying to harm herself - that i came for her and now want to thro her out. i think i am over the fact she was a battered abused women but how much meaner can she be to me.. i ask god to guide me, the word has help me here in my town there is not help for elder so i am 63 but still suppose to be that stong mom ( basket case that never broke down0 i will continue to read comments. i have to pull together and get stronger- and finanly make decisions. i so dont want to loose my home. worked so hard to get it on my own after the second divorce-- lol thinking i would have something to leave my children if i take my last breath--- yes another daughter 40 has ownbusiness but distant from me hates me one day casue i give in to the sister - hates me the next when i take action and say i need to just calm down and i get blamed for me always starting something and not helping them LOl geezzz i just dont understand. still just holding on and trying to generate income to keep my car and my home. ..
     
  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Go to a domestic abuse shelter and tell them everything. I am amazed that elder abuse didnt do anything. Maybe the shelter will help
     
  6. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    The eviction process does take time. You being a realtor should help. You must know some real estate attorneys in your area. Get one of them to help you out. Or sell and move. Do whatever you have to do to get out of the situation you are in. You are being abused and taken advantage of. Nobody has to live like that.
     
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Yes you do. Like all of us you have the strength of your higher power. Rest. This is one step at a time. We are so very glad you are here.

    I think first you need to have support. I am going to 12 step groups. AA or NA will immediately give you community and you will no longer be alone with this. That is what I do and what I would do.

    The others here have provided good ideas. Especially I like the idea of the domestic violence crisis center.

    There should be free attorneys at Superior Court that could help you do the eviction. In my County every morning at 8 am I can go to speak to an attorney, to help me with forms or to get a sense of what I need to do.

    But the first thing, is to know that the people in your house have become predators. But you are not prey. You have a loving and tender heart and you deserve respect and safety and care.

    For right now I would avoid contact with them and not engage. Really. There is nothing to say. You have already said everything and so have they. It's just that they choose not to hear or care.

    Changing the situation and your life has nothing to do with them. What they hear. What they understand. What they do. Is not on you. It's them.

    You will do what it takes to get them out. The law will do it. I would no longer engage with them. It is abusive and it takes your energy. As they continue to degrade and mistreat you, it's tearing you down more. Please avoid these interactions.

    I would focus on getting support, making distance from these abusers and I would focus on the legal process. In any community there are free resources for legal help. Elder Abuse and Domestic Violence (Trauma Center) is where I would start.

    The idea of moving out temporarily to a domestic violence shelter (while continuing to make payments on the house so that you don't lose it) might be something to think about. Let the sherrif get them out.

    I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation. You don't deserve it. And you can make it stop.
     
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  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi selfless,

    I, too, am shocked that your claims of elder abuse were not taken seriously.

    You need to keep trying to get help. There has to be a way to get them out.

    Get support for yourself. This site is a good source for support.

    Have you called Legal Aid? They may be able to help or direct you to help. It is a free service.

    As Copa said, try your county superior court system. Go to AA meetings. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline.

    Call the police if you feel threatened in any way.

    Keep trying. Don’t give up.

    Is there any way that your other daughter would loan you money for the eviction?
     
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    The eviction process, as I understand it, is expedited if there is actual or the threat of violence or abuse. You are ill. The way they live and their harassment of you are a threat to your life and to your health. This: have a heart atack and he will watch me gasping for air and laugh ... is abuse.

    These are the possibible steps you can take NOW:

    Go to AA or NA.

    Find out about a free attorney at Superior Court. Ask about free legal services in your County. Start eviction proceedings.

    Call Elder Abuse

    Call Domestic Violence Crisis Center. investigate the possibility of a shelter. Ask for a counselor. Maybe there's a group you can join. I would do that! In fact I may.

    Call the police if there if something happens or you are afraid.

    Go to the District Attorney's Office to see if in your situation you can get a restraining order, to keep them out and away.





     
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2019
  10. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Maybe you could get an Order of Protection (Restraining Order) - then they’d have to move out immediately. At our County Courthouse in California there is a self-help office where they help you fill the forms and file them.
     
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think you go to the District Attorney's office for this.

    If you decide to go this route, why not ask the people here how to best present the situation. Attorneys focus on the bottom line, and less on feelings. By posting here you will be able to focus your complaint in the way that would be the most powerful.
     
  12. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    What about getting a restraining order?
     
  13. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Keep your phone on you and figure out how to record video and or just audio. Learn to do it discretely. Keep phone in your pocket, turn it on when they say threatening things. You might video record any messes/damage or drugs you find. I have known some parents who have reported drugs/ paraphernalia found on their property.

    Have this info as a back up...to prove what is happening in your home. Try to talk to someone with legal knowledge to evict them.

    Have you thought of a home security system? They are much cheaper now. Good luck. Ksm
     
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  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Everything Ksm says:
    And this once you get them out:
     
  15. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    I am new here, too. You have gotten a lot of good advice. I understand feeling let down by the system. My daughter tried to mow me down with a close rack when my sister (a mental health professional) and I did an intervention. I was on the phone with the hotline when she did it and they called the police. She manipulated them all. Several years later and nothing has changed except she is worse, the delusional and horribly abusive behaviors are now constant. I believe this latest surge is because I have set boundaries for me. We must take care of ourselves first. This is one of my favorite quotes.

    “When you get into a tight place and it seems you can't go on, hold on, for that's just the place and the time that the tide will turn.”
    ~Harriet Beecher Stowe
     
  16. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Maybe I am not giving a viable option, but can't anyone wear a type of not that visible cop cams?
     
  17. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    I was in a similar situation although I was renting my apartment so it was trickier. When my son was 19 or so he moved out and I was so glad to have him out of my home I took him to the rental office and we signed paperwork to get him off my lease. It didn't last long and he wanted to move back in within a couple of months. Like an idiot I said yes and that was the start of the real nightmare. After less than a week of model behavior he was back to his old tricks of lying, defiance of my rules, verbal abuse, even damaging my belongings and a couple of times a wall and a door. He was seeing someone long distance and the guy came for a weekend visit...and never left. I called the police time after time and they said they couldn't arrest him for damaging property where he lived and since I couldn't prove he broke my personal belongs (as opposed to me or someone else breaking it) they couldn't do anything there either. They also told me that they couldn't make his partner leave because he was there at my son's invitation, and since my son lived there he had a right to guests...in MY home! I went to the rental office to see if they could help me get him out and was told that since he wasn't an authorized tenant, in other words not on the lease, they would have to evict me to get him out. A few people suggested I move and not let him move with me...but I didn't have the money for that at the time. Finally I just gave them $500 to leave and made them sign a contract/agreement that they would not claim residency at my address. Had it notarized. I never had to take it to court so I don't know for sure it was a legal and binding agreement or not (I'm not very familiar with contract laws in Florida).

    Are you in a position to offer them a "bribe" to move out like I had to resort to? And would they take you up on it? I totally get the mess you're in and I pray you can get the situation remedied ASAP.
     
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  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Laura. This is horrible!!!
     
  19. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    How about a couple of nanny cams that they don't know about to record the abuse. I would document everything possible. I agree with others about calling the police everytime you are threatened or they are doing something illegal . Are you going in front of this judge alone ? If so get a legal aid lawyer and have him request a different judge. I would also buy an extra lock for your bedroom so you have a safe place to be away from them. I also agree with getting an order of protection or restraining order. Maybe if not both at once one at a time. Don't get in a situation where they can make accusations like with the bleach if they get confrontational try to get it recorded or if not possible walk away. Keep a journal with dates and times of what they do so when you go to court or elder abuse you have evidence. If either of them has criminal records of any kind dui's assult anything get copies online and have those to present as well. Get a letter from your doctor documenting what it is doing to damage your health. Document any damage they do. Good luck
     
  20. LauraH

    LauraH Active Member

    It really was. That's why I was so paranoid (and still am to a small extent) when he started getting mail here, etc. after he came back from Chicago...that he could pull the same stunt again. Hopefully it's a thing of the past but I can't find that agreement he signed back then as backup if I need it. I don't think that particular history will repeat itself, but I won't be 100% sure of that until he has a place of his own.