Once we have done all we know to do, then we need to work on the imagery we are using to represent our situations to ourselves. Someone called it "mental discipline."
First, picture in your mind how you would look happy, healthy, and whole. See your expression. Imagine how you would feel, when you look so calm and happy. When you feel negative emotions taking over, counter them with that healthy imagery. This will only take a second, and will stop the spread of negative emotion. Do the same image-making for each member of your family, picturing them happy and successful. Create imagery for all of you, together. This is a practice, a tool to counter the negative imagery worry brings. It won't change the situation? But it will help you survive it.
If you awaken in the night worried about your son, repeat the Serenity Prayer until it works. That is key. Until it works.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Music can be an excellent mood elevator. Something like Adelle's "I Set Fire to the Rain." Any music that brings you up. Even a few minutes of positive emotion will counter the draining effect of the negatives. See, and use it, as a tool you employ for the express purpose of countering the negative mood.
Polish your toenails something beautifully outrageous. :O)
Make time to walk for twenty minutes in the morning. Maybe, with your son. That is long enough for the body's endorphins to kick in, and would probably be good for him, too.
Take a class. Ballet, yoga, karate ~ anything.
I use a beautifully done yoga CD. If you look for Namaste Yoga on youtube, you will find clips from the classes I chose to order. They are beautifully calming and strengthening. Beautiful music, beautiful imagery. However busy your schedule, once you have the CD, you can fit your yoga in. You may be able to order the CD from the library first, to see whether they work for you. Once you have established your practice, just playing the music will key a positive, strengthening response.
Notice every positive, beautiful thing. The way the sun shines in. The way the clouds look or the breeze feels. When you are showering, cup your hands and think: Grasp the vine. Cup your hands, and...drink. Then, take a little sip of the water. That practice breaks the circling pattern of negative or hurried thought we generally torment ourselves with in the shower.
These are some of the things I have had to learn to do to preserve my sanity. Any positive practice you can think of, try it. When our kids are in trouble, there is so little we can really do about anything. We need to do what we can to stay strong and healthy. Guilt and worry lead to depression. We need to try every tool to keep ourselves healthy and whole.
Gratitude journaling is very helpful. Each night before going to bed, write five things you are grateful to have had, or seen, or remembered, that day.
Envisioning placing your son in the palm of God's hand can be so helpful against that circling chain of worry.
Mostly, to find joy again, you will need to look for that feeling and consciously receive it. Remember, later in the day, what that instant felt like. Replay it for yourself.
There are times, when our children are troubled, when parents punish themselves without being aware of it. Taking these conscious steps to open yourself to joy will counter those feelings a little.
As others have suggested, NAMI, al-anon, a parent support group will help you so much. (You can call Social Services in your area, or a local hospital social worker, to learn about them. Just call the hospital and ask to speak to a social worker. If nothing else, he or she will probably have information about where to look, next.) There are times when family cannot help and friends just can't understand. That is where other parents going through the same things will be able to help you through it ~ just as you will help them.
Posting here helps so much.
It is important that you and husband stay on the same page. So many times, we forget to nurture our marriages when we are coping with unforeseen problems with the kids. You have done the right thing by addressing your son's problems now, when he is still young enough to do what he needs to do to recover himself and his life.
My husband insisted that we meet in our own dining room from 5:30 to 6:30 every day. No phone. No television or radio. We could play music. We had a Manhattan, together. I played Dean Martin, because it was music not heard elsewhere, and would key relaxation and make that time for us special. That happy time together, and the communication it enabled, saved our marriage. With your husband in medical school, the time commitment for you two will be different. Even if you can only arrange a time for each other once a week for an hour, do that. Maybe it will be going to the beach. Or, to a coffee shop. Or, maybe that morning walk could be your and husband's time together.
I'm sorry this is happening. With consciousness and care, you can come through these challenges successfully.
Cedar