How do you tell

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by FTN, Jan 14, 2008.

  1. FTN

    FTN New Member

    ...a nine year old her dad molested her sisters?

    That is going to be a discussion coming up soon. The lawyer has advised us we shouldn't tell her anything about it -- we haven't although its damn hard not to. But eventually, we're going to have to.

    Anyone have any experience with things such as this?
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you are having to cope with this. It is devastating to parents to learn their children have been harmed this way. It is also devastating for the children. Sending hugs.

    As for when and what to tell her, do you have a good therapist? I would not tell anything until I found out if she had been molested in any way. It may be an underlying cause of the difficult child behavior. Just my opinion.

    Please tell her carefully with the help of the therapist(s) you trust with you. Also, if you are dealing with legal stuff like custody issues, then you really MUST follow your lawyer's advice. NOT following can really hurt you in the long run.

    Again, this is only my opinion. Please wait and see the advice of others here. I am sure someone will be along soon.

    Hugs to all of you, and prayers for healing,

  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I agree with Susiestar- I'd discuss the whole thing with a good f therapist before getting to that with the daughter. I would make sure she knew that if ANYONE tried to touch her, talk to her inappropraitely, etc make sure she told, and of course, not let her alone with those you're concerned about.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    You don't tell the nine year old.

    You DO tell the nine year old that she has a choice to go or not to go to her bio dads. No one should ever MAKE or FORCE a child to go. If they ARE under supervision - then it shouldn't be a problem If you think it MAY be a problem then you call the attorney and tell him to get visitation stopped until this whole ugly mess is sorted out.

    At 9 she should be worried about what doll outfits match doll shoes, not that sisters were molested. Hows it going to get some therapy going?

    Good luck -
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    If the PCs are trustworthy PCs I wouldn't worry about how to tell
    her. Obviously she is protected by you all since she is still a
    child so why mess with her innocent childhood? I vote with the
    attorney. DDD

    by the way, I do realize I don't have a "real" Having raised
    children, stepchildren and now grandchildren I have a bunch of experience. The one thing I know for sure is this..the parents
    are the ones who make the choices and live with the consequences.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    See somebody who specializes in these delicate topics, but in my opinion tell her. Unfortunately, we had adopted a child who abused my younger kids so I know these specialists exist and they are sooooooo kind. In fact, we found there was a special pediatrician in town specifically for these issues. There are also therapists who are very adept at this topic. Now if your daughter isn't going to SEE her father at all...ever...I say don't tell her. If she sees him, she has to know he's dangerous...but he can't have visitatiion, does he???? If he has any rights to her, I would personally move out of state before I'd allow her to go. If he molested her sisters, he's going to molest her too. Please don't let her see him for her own protection. If he is ever alone with her, she is at risk. (((Hugs)))
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    FTN, Another vote for doing it with a counselor. I am so sorry that you and your G/F are in this position. Sending good thoughts your way.
  8. Calista

    Calista New Member

    Before you make the decision to tell her there are other things to consider: Does he see her? Does she understand the difference between "good touch" and "bad touch?" Are you absolutely sure she hasn't been abused?

    If she never sees her father then I wouldn't tell her for many years, if ever. Children often associate their parents traits with their own so, if she is already having problems (that aren't related to abuse) and she finds out that her father is a pedophile then she will feel that she is bad because her father is bad and that is not something you can take away or treat with medications. If there is no real need for her to know then why tell her?