How far do you go?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tiredof33, Oct 11, 2016.

  1. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    These adult children are exhausting.

    My son reached out to me after almost 5 years of no contact and I responded as if we had spoken yesterday. His long time partner had died in her sleep, I know he is devastated, I understand his pain. I was there immediately for him. I do love my son very much.

    Of course, as expected, the money requests started almost immediately. They revert back into old habits extremely fast.

    I bought him prescription eye glasses, clothes, met him in a city and paid for expensive dinners, etc. I try to help without enabling. He is working when they have the jobs. I will not give him money.

    So, once again, he has disappeared and will not answer my messages or calls for 3 months. I have left messages weekly and he has not responded.

    His sister has cancer, surgery was this AM, chemo will follow very soon. I left him a message and said please let me know if you get this. No response.

    Do I try to track him down? not sure really how to find him, at what point do we I just let them go?

    I realize my son is an addict/alcoholic, but, I am exhausted. My life could make a Nicholas Sparks' novel look light hearted lol!

    Do I try to track him down?
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Dear Tired, Take a deep breath. Your daughter needs you right now. She will need you to be present physically and emotionally. You reached out to your son who, because of his addictions, cannot be any help to either of you. I understand that you want your son to at least acknowledge your message. He may not be in a good head space to do so at this time. I would stop trying to connect and focus your time and energy on your daughter and her family.

    Sending gentle hugs and prayers for your family.
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  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    You reached out. But your energy needs to be with your daughter.

    I'm guessing your son has repeatedly suffered for his consequences of his choices.

    Prayers and hugs.
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  4. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Thank you, I know that, I just needed someone to remind me. These loved ones make life so hard for themselves!
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  5. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    So sorry to hear of your daughter's upcoming surgery and treatment. That must be so hard on you.

    You have tried to connect with your son. He has chosen not to return your calls. You can't make him to anything he doesn't want to do.

    Now is the time to focus on yourself and your daughter. You need to make sure you have your "oxygen mask" on now so that you will have the energy and spirit to help your daughter at her critical time. Make sure you are getting enough rest and try to de-stress.

    You know the right things to do - sometimes we need gentle reminders!! Prayers to you and your family.
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  6. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    If he were to respond, do you think your son would lend any kind of positive presence? Or would he be one more hassle you absolutely don't need right now?

    I fear he might even "smell" your weakened and worried state and use that against you, if the addict is in control right now.

    I vote with the others. You tried. That is enough.

    Blessings and healing thoughts to your daughter as she starts her recovery.
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  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Everyone has given great advice.

    Prayers to you and your family.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Tired, I'm so very sorry about your daughter and your son too. You've been at this a long, long time. I agree with the others, put your focus on your daughter who really needs your support. For the moment, let him go, he knows about his sister, perhaps he just can't deal with anything else right now, it may not be about you or money.......but letting him go for now, feels like the right thing to do.

    My heart goes out to you, you have a lot on your plate right now. Can you find some time to do something kind and nurturing for YOU? It sounds like it's time to fill up your tank......take really good care of yourself now Tired.......really good care.

    Thinking of you and sending you a hug........and prayers for your daughter and your son.......and YOU.
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  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    How old are your children Tired?
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I am so sorry to hear your daughter is fighting cancer. You have my prayers that she will come through this as a survivor. ((HUGS)) to you..............

    As for your son, you have done what you can. His actions are telling you that he is not interested in maintaining a relationship. I have been there with my son too. The way I look at it is this, we have reached out to them, we let them know we love them, we also let them know that we are no longer going to enable them and that is where they decide they don't need us until of course they are alone and want something from us.
    You reached out to him and shared with him what is going on with your daughter. If it were me, I may give him updates every 6 weeks or so but I wouldn't push it beyond that.

    Thanks for sharing.
  11. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Tanya, I think that is what annoys me so much about the one sided relationship with my son. I feel used, like I'm only important as long as I'm forking over money.

    I'm really at the point with this almost middle aged kid where I say, "screw you" and blot him out of my life.

    'Course, I won't because I love my child very much. I simply get tired of the frustrating cycle.

    Deep down, I think my daughter will have a rough time, but will make it. My son seems self destructive.

    I had hoped this would be the time he has finally made progress and I am let down once more....I just need to recharge....I will react the same when he contacts me the next time (heavy hearted sigh inserted here). I have a hard time explaining to some people that detachment does not mean you love them less, it is for your own sanity.

    Thank all of you.
  12. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Yes, such a wearying and frustrating cycle ...
    When those times hit, here are a few things I try to remind myself:

    · Stop trying to encourage change in someone who doesn’t want to change.
    · Stop giving repeated chances to someone who abuses/takes advantage of forgiveness and support.
    · Stop trusting nice-sounding words (often lies) while ignoring/tolerating destructive actions.
    · Stop giving my strength and effort toward a relationship that isn’t reciprocated.

    Holding you and your daughter in loving thoughts. Take care, Tired33.
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  13. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    All good advice here. Your daughter needs you.
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I have that T-Shirt!!!o_O
    Seriously though, I know just how you feel.