How many times can a heart break?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Chaosuncontained, Oct 25, 2011.

  1. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    My oldest daughter, Calie (not her real name) is 20. She will be 21 in January. In the last 5 months she has taken mail from someones mailbox (suposedly they are still "holding" the case--but no warrant has been issued.). She burgularized 2 houses (I turned her in for this--the victims decided NOT to file charges. It was dropped). SHe lives with a drug dealer--advised the Police--nothing hapenned. She has been pulled over SEVERAL times. She has no insurance, broken headlight, no registration, no mirrors on her car. She has recieved 4 tickets. An open container ticket. A broken headlight ticket. And last night, a no insurance/no registration ticket. I know she has taken "bars" A LOT (I'm told this is Xanax), SHe came to my house high on Ambien once. And I know she has taken 1/2 of an Oxycotin (which made her VERY ill)

    Her best friend was arrested for a DUI, shoplifting and burgulary and is still in jail. Her ex boyfriend was arrsted for burgulary and for having pot on him when Calie was pulled over one time.

    She called me last week, BAWLING. Telling me she wanted to change. SHe asked for a therapist. She told me that she woke up that morning in a house she didn't know...and no one was there. Her friends had left her there. Friends. HA. We were already to open our arms and our homes to her again. SHe sounded so sincere. Her Father (my ex) told her that if she would come and apologize to his wife for stealing in their home that he would get her an appointent. That he would pay for it all.

    Two days later she still hadn't gone to his house. She wasn't returning calls. Finally she called and told me she was so sorry that she had been so upset on the phone--she didn't know why she had been so upset. She had changed her mind. She wasn't ready to come home.

    Today she called to tell me that she was afraid the law was looking for her. SHe had "keyed" her ex boyfriends DAD's truck. I tried to talk to her again. She told me that she has been texting her Dad, asking for an appointment with a therapist, but that he hasn't responded. I reminded her that she was supposed to go apologize to his wife. She became very mad. She told me that she hasn't eaten in 2 days. That she has no gas. She let me know that she was being kicked out of yet ANOTHER friends house. I reminded her that she could come home is she made changes (no drugs/alcohol in our home, let us know when she will be home--no staying out all night after telling us she will be home at 11PM, no stealing here, no "riff raff" in my home). She told me that I lived too far away from her friends. I told her "then it sounds like you have made your decision. Be careful. I love you".

    I am so ready for her to hit bottom. I wish she would be arrested and sit in jail for awhile. I'm tired of hearing "everyone my age does these things". I miss my girl. My heart hurts so bad--I can't seem to reach her... I'm afraid I've lost her forever. I feel as if I have no hope. Can it get better?
  2. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I don't know the entire story. Is she respectful to you? Do you suspect she is taking drugs? Addicted to drugs? Is bipolar your diagnosis? Do you think your daughter might have this as well? Is she on medication? I might be relatively open to helping her get therapy, especially since she is under 21. And if you think she might suffer from bipolar illness, I might also be willing to get her to a doctor to be evaluated for medication needs. Much depends on her ability to be cooperative and appropriate. Be sure to take extra good care of yourself and your needs and although surely it must be hard, try to stay on the same page as your ex with reference to what you might want to do (or not do) to help your daughter in the future.
  3. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    She is respectful to me--I am the closest to her. I do suspect drugs. I have heard from an ex boyfriend (not mentioned in earlier post) who still cares for her deeply told me that she takes "bars" A LOT! She isn't on prescription medicine. She is only cooperative when there is something in it for her. SHe can drive out to my house (an hour from where she is now) if it means she might get some gas money (ie: alcohol or pot money). Bipolar is MY diagnosis.

    I'm not saying that Calie didn't grow up in a "hard" childhood. She is 10 years older than our other children. She had me and Dad all to herself for 10 years. There was a CPS case against a family member for "kissing her inappropriatley" around that same time. She did have counselling for that. At age 14 she started climbing out her bathroom window at night. She has had numerous sexual partners. She started smoking pot at 17. Underage drinking at 18. Ex and I divorced when Calie was 17. She lived with her Dad some, me the rest of the time. Per the CO she could decide where to live. When she turned 18 she started living with her grandmother. Mainly because grandmother spoiled her, let her stay out very late, gave her money.

    She really thinks that because she is blonde, tiny and has a cute figure that she can get by with anything. She isn't concerned AT ALL for her illegal behavior. She excuses it all. "Well, it's not like I HURT anyone" or "All the kids my age have these same problems". She is convinced that her mail tamperng case will be dropped "because they haven't done anything yet". She told us that she has no morals. She asked me today "Everyone wants me to *change*--change WHAT? I'm not doing anything wrong!" She also told me that she hasn't done anything "bad" in awhile. I had to remind her that she had JUST told me that she had keyed an exboyfriends Fathers truck and that she had recieved TWO more tickets.

    Thank you for reminding me to take care of me. Between Calie and Carson (my difficult child wonder boy) I am always stressed and exhausted.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im so sorry. You do need to take care of you because you do have bipolar and those of us with bipolar tend to get caught up with the kids roller coasters of emotions and that can make us go crazy. I always tend to get wrapped up with my son and would be up up up when he was and down deep when he was.

    As far as your daughter, well, it seems she is on that ride that some of our difficult child's get to go on where their antics seem to go untouched with consequences but eventually her time will come to an end. At some point she will get caught and get in trouble. Or maybe not and she will grow up. Lots of times these kids grow up around age 24/25. That is the age we saw a change starting.
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    There is always hope. I know several adult women that sunk as low as one could possibly sink but somehow they hit their perfect storm and climbed out of the gutter, are drug-free, employed and doing okay.

    You are doing the right thing to refuse to allow drugs in your home and to continue to offer to help her get treatment when she decides she is ready.
  6. Signorina

    Signorina Guest


    And I am so sorry you are going through this -- please know you are not the only one...stay strong and take good care of yourself {{hugs}}