How to deal with loss

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Doddlin, Jun 23, 2010.

  1. Doddlin

    Doddlin Guest

    Do any of you have some good tips on dealing with loss and grief? I seem to be on a rollercoaster. One day is ok... then, the next day I just wish to end it all. I am so hurt, angry, lonely and feeling rejected. My boys, especially difficult child#2, seem to no longer want me in their life. Seems they have always been excited to see their Dad, after all, I supported that relationship and promoted it as well. Now, Dad is never to be without and they tell me they just want distance. Should I just accept that they are like dead children and move on with my life? How do you get through feeling so rejected and hurt? I feel so robbed that I did everything for them. I raised them pretty much alone.

    I let their Dad be "Disneyland Dad" just so they could have him in their life. He undermined me all along. I just can't get over feeling kicked in the teeth for being a proper parent, supporting them, loving them and never wavering. Maybe they are seeking him out because they are struggling to win his love and support... which they never really got. To their Dad, they are simply playmates and their for HIS needs. He has never cared about how they do in activities, school, etc. Only that they go over and play "dirt bikes" with him. They used to even tell me, "Dad doesn't want to see my report card, he doesn't care." when I'd tell them to bring him a copy. difficult child#2 told me two weeks ago, "you had me for 16 years, so we just need distance." This hurt so bad. It makes me want for them to feel the rejection I do. I know this is wrong so I've said nothing and honored his wish. How do I get over this? Ideas?:(
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First off I'm sorry for the pain you are dealing with. My guess is your children, especially difficult child 2, will eventually end up seeing their father for what he is. Please, don't ever feel you need to end it all. We are here and it would probably be a good idea to speak with a therapist. Many gentle hugs.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You can help deal with your loss in groups, if you are a "group" person. If your kids are on drugs join Nar-Anon or Al-Anon and you'll probably talk to many who are or have gone through what you are now. That can offer marvelous support.
    I don't believe your boys will be estranged from you forever, but it sure sounds like both are on the wrong path and I think Nar-Anon is a good place to go for support anyway.
    Hugs and good luck!!
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    It's not time yet to give up on your children - I agree with wiped out, likely they will see their dad as the true person he is. Your boys, as they mature, will see the true parent.

    In the meantime, take this time for you. Just you. Reconnect with husband, take up a new hobby, get yourself in shape, whatever.... I've just been thru this in a different manner. However, I'm taking a backseat to much of what is going on with my tweedles. Concentrating on's a difficult mind shift. AND it's been one of the healthiest things I've ever done.

    Just a thought or two for you.
  5. Doddlin

    Doddlin Guest

    Thanks all! I've been going to a Families Anonymous group once a week. I wish it were everyday right now because it does help. I'm getting back to my exercise and hoping that will lift my spirits a bit. I need to do more, but I see no point in hobbies right now. I keep thinking, "why make things when I have nobody to share them with." I think I need some classes or something. I'm thinking I'll go back to school and finish my degree this fall. I hate math and have been avoiding it. Working from home doesn't help matters since I spend all day isolated. ugh. Today seems to be an up day though. I slept good and feel detached (in a good way).

    I just wish I could find something to distract me 24x7 like a new business or something. hehehe
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Reconnect with hub. Go on dates with him. If you are really close, he can help you more than anyone else. Start going to groups where others do things that you like, like a knitting group. Force yourself to make new friends. Your sons are NOT your entire life. They are not who YOU are. In a way, you are like the parent with the empty nest. You need to focus on yourself instead of the boys because you can't change them. But you can change yourself.

    As for starting a new business, good idea!
  7. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    I can relate to the pain. difficult child-A went to live with his Grandma at 15 1/2 because he needed to get away from me. difficult child-S did the same last summer. It is very painful. We pour everything we have into our kids and then they reject us. But it's not us, it's what we represent...rules, respect, honor, doing the right thing. They would rather live with the Disneyland parent/grandparent because it's more fun.

    I see my counselor every other week just so that she can remind me that I am a great Mom and that I did everything to help my kids. That it isn't me. It helps. And I have as my motto something one of the Mom's here said... "You did the best you could. If you could of done better, you would of done better." That thought brings me a lot of comfort.

    And I know that some day, my kids will grow up and come back. difficult child-A sent me a text once that I've kept. "I just wanted to tell you that I know there is still a lot of stress around the house but I wanted to let you know that I love you with my whole heart and that I wouldn't pick anyone else to be my Mom". Since then, he's gone back and forth between loving me and hating me. But, once, he shared his heart and I've kept that thought foremost in my heart and mind.

    difficult child-S still can't stand me. Wouldn't even acknowledge me on Mother's Day. There is nothing I can do but sit back and hope that someday she changes her mind. Doesn't change the fact that I love her dearly, but I can't change her or how she feels. And I know that with her, there is a good chance that she will not change her mind. I have to accept it for now. I grieved for a long time and still do at times. But, it's okay to grieve. We are all dealing with loss of some type. Whether it's because our kids are gone or because we don't have the "normal" milestones, we all have a loss.

    Take care of you. Do whatever it is that will help you out. Volunteer at a pet shelter or a food bank or a senior center. Do something that makes you feel good. I've been making quilts for my nieces and nephews for Christmas. I've been working on projects to donate to charity auctions. And I've been working on because husband's best friend again. I don't know if it ever gets better, but eventually, you reach a point of acceptance and that isn't such a bad place.
  8. Doddlin

    Doddlin Guest

    I guess I just need to be more patient with myself. I've been doing the right things. husband and I have been volunteering for hospice for the past 6 months too. I know I am taking the right steps for myself. I just want to stop hurting right now! hahaha. Wishful thinking I guess.

    I realize my mistake was making my kids the center or thinking that I would be theirs. Ugh. In a certain way I'm feeling moments of excitement at the prospect that I actually may have something else in store for my future. You know... that maybe my journey isn't complete and has some surprises in store for me. Other days the grief grips me and I just want to die. I'm on the rollercoaster and want to get off and move on. Impatience on my part I know.

    It's good to know I'm not alone too. This knowledge has helped me the most! On the other hand, I am very jealous of the family members (really only on husband's side) that have wonderful relationships with their children. Even husband's daughter has come back into this life over the past year and she is the easy child now. The family is always talking about how beautiful, funny and great she is. We are having to throw a special party (at mother in law request) for her next month just to, quote, "make sure she feels a part of the family again." She was estranged from us from 15 to 19 thanks to her mother's anger toward husband. Her brother, husband's adopted son is still. Anyway, I feel jealous of the love and attention being shown in a weird way. I guess I wish that my boys were part of the family and had that too. Don't get me wrong... I am so happy she is coming around, we enjoy her company very much. I love her and we get along really well.. always did. I'm just feeling so hurt that I don't have that with my own kids and family doesn't really even have much to say about it. For one thing, the boys are not their "blood" relatives. My own extended family is pretty distant and sick. hahaha. See... this probably explains why this hurts so much. I grew up without a close family and tried SOOOO hard to put the 'genie back in the bottle' I guess. Failed miserably.

    I need a good business idea.
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    You are in no way alone in this situation. Many of us had to have our difficult children placed outside of the home for whatever reason. Some of us have had our children placed in a different living situation for safety reasons. AND like you, we have all been taken to our knees & cried tears of blood for our children.

    There comes a time when the fight has to become less intense & the center of our every waking moment. Only you can decide when that time is right. We can share the grief ~ that pain of feeling there's one more thing I should have/could have done. Saying that, it is now your time to let go of that & grieve. It's also the time, believe me I know, to find the part of you that got lost in the day to day GFGdom.

    You remember when you could laugh, start dancing while you fixed dinner or sing at the top of your lungs while driving to work in the morning. You remember the times you sat & listened to the birds or spent time holding hands with your husband while watching your favorite movie. This is the time for you; for your husband.

    You boys will do what they will do. You've done your job in raising them. You will be there in a crisis. Be gentle with yourself. Explore this new phase & find some fun. I, for one, am joining our local watercolor & pastel societies. Find your passion & go with it.
  10. Doddlin

    Doddlin Guest

    Thanks timer lady! You made me think about the many times in the distant past when I used to sing out loud and laugh. I used to have such a lively and sick sense of humor. HAHAHA! The past couple of years have been so bleak. Truthfully, I am ready... that time is now! I think I'm getting past second guessing myself. I think I'm to the stage in grieving where I'm just sad and asking "what next". I know I'll get through this stage too. I need more patience. ugh.

    Thank you all for your support and kind, loving words. It is helping me soooo much. Hugs.