How would you respond?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mamato3, Jul 5, 2017.

  1. mamato3

    mamato3 Member

    Difficult child, daughter, and I are on a visit to see my brother. Difficult Child is at brother's house and just had a fight with ex-girlfriend. Here is the text exchange between us. Can anyone please share insight as to how I should and tell me what I have said wrong in the text exchange?

    Me: Why is morgan texting me? Asking me to tell you to leave her alone?

    I am not interested in dealing with your drama any longer.

    Difficult Child: Then @@@ don't. Don't @@@ worry about it. Don't worry about @@@. Cancel my appointment Monday. I'm @@@ done.

    Me: Ok. Tell (brother) please. You will not have a ride home or place to live.

    Difficult Child: He's not here. I don't give a @@@ anymore. (Girlfriend) and I just got into a fight. A @@@ fight. Everyone fights. And now you say you don't want to deal with me anymore. Good.

    Me: You are now 18 and a legal adult. I do not have to deal with your disrespect and I will not.

    Difficult Child: K

    Me: I don't want to deal with your drama.

    Difficult Child: K

    Me:I will pay for a bus ticket for you to get back to (home state)since it's not fair for (brother) to have to deal with you. Please let me know if you will use the ticket or not.

    Difficult Child: You don't love me. (Girlfriend) doesn't love me. No one does. So I don't honestly care anymore.

    Me: I do love you. More than anything. But I also do not deserve to be treated the way you treat me. Mental illness or not.

    Please let me know how you will be getting home since I cannot ride home with you or leave you with (brother).

    Difficult Child: I don't know how I'm getting home. And frankly I don't give a :censored2:. For all I care, I'll be going home in a :censored2:ing body bag.

    Me: I am willing to help you get home and to get help. It's up to you to accept the help. I will no longer take your abuse. I love you and I know that you will figure this out.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I would have disengaged when he started the abuse mixed with self pity. To end it early I would have texted: Let me know if you want the ticket. Bye." I strongly believe with these dramatic, abusive adlt kids that saying as little as possible and putting the ball in their court. But I no longer enable the abuse or the pityparty. Yes, once I did.

    I have used the "less is more" method with my son. It works great. He is very careful how he talks to me now because I wont take crap anymore and he knows it. He has some mental illness. So do I. So does much of the world. That is no excuse for abuse.
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  3. mamato3

    mamato3 Member

    I agree. However we are 12 hours from home. I can't in good consciousness leave him with my brother.
  4. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    i agree with disengaging sooner rather than later. I would leave the bus money with the brother and then send son a text. The money is there for a ticket if you would like it. Perhaps you can spend the time on the business planning your future and next steps. thanks

    I find the more I react the more things escalate with my difficult son. But I have been there many many times. Its hard to know what to do in the moment. You and easy child enjoy a nice peaceful ride home. If he gets home and is still belligerent have a plan in place for what to do. I would show him the door and give him the addresses of some shelters but that's my take. You do with what you feel comfortable. He has no right to abuse you or your other child. If it continues he will think its okay to do that to everyone and younger child will too. There has to be consequences. He will up the ante once you change the dance but the dance DOES need to change. Hugs.
  5. mamato3

    mamato3 Member

    We have tickets to a baseball game tonight. Difficult Child says he wants to go. Do I allow him and act like everything is 'normal'?
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    That depends. Do you want to listen to more drama, or do you want to watch the game? You'll be a captive audience if he decides to ramp it up, and if he's really abusive, Security may remove him. If he acted like that to anyone else, would they act like everything was fine, or would they tell him to take a hike?

    What do YOU want to do? What's best for the family?
  7. mamato3

    mamato3 Member

    Unfortunately, he's pretty good at putting on a show so I think he will act ok. Plus, my brother is going and my Difficult Child thinks the world of him. Most of the 'drama' is between Difficult Child and I (and Difficult Child and ex). Either at home or via calls/text. I am very guilty of engaging. I have written down many of the responses I have read here and continue to read over them so they will be committed to memory when the time comes. I have also been better about handing Difficult Child over to my husband, his father and trying to let it go. My husband isn't with us, though, so...

    And honestly, if he did act up and security would remove him, I think it would show me (my daughter and brother) even more how out of control he is/can be.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I would not take him. He isnt normal acting and you would be very stressed out. In fact Id back away from him rather than do activities that can turn into a forum for his abuse. Even if he may act ok in public, why reward him for abusing you? Does he ever get violent? Sounds like it from what you said about the security guards. They wont throw him out for verbal vomit. Violence is never okay. Ever.

    Your son abuses you. It is no different than if a spouse abused you. Would you let him abuse you if he werent your son? Do you think it is good for you AND for him to allow his abuse and reward it by spending time with him that you know could go very wrong? Or when he blames you for every problem in his life?

    He is who he is. I hope you nurture your kind heart and start doing things only with people who are nice to you. You deserve calm and peace and love in your life. We all do. We dont need drama, chaos, abuse and cussing while we buy they enjoy a ball game with us, like everything is fine. Its not fine.

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    Last edited: Jul 5, 2017
  9. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    This was similar with my son when he lived home without an job or anything else to do. I did not respond well there I responded with more criticism towards him and he towards me.
    As an family you know each others flaws and you can so easily use it to hurt them.

    What you did not now was perfect you answered great. I did not and now I am not close to him we only keep an formal connection we talk once an week because I call him and its finished very fast hearing from him these 4 words Hello, Okay, No/Yes, Bye.

    About the ex and him its about the ex and him. We do not know the dynamics of their relationship.
  10. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Unfortunately that was my Monday...never saw our son like that. Now he is out. Wish I could have faith that he will figure it out and return to the decent man I know he can be.

    our saying...Do not engage.
  11. mamato3

    mamato3 Member

    Quick update: son did go to baseball game with us. He was pretty blah, spent lots of time on his phone scrolling social media. No issues as he barely spoke and we did not know what to say to him.

    We are also in our way home. He is sleeping. Was compliant.

    Yes, I gave in, and I'm not happy with myself about it. Baby steps.

    I agree he is abusive. He agrees he is abusive. I asked him if he thought therapy could help him break the cycle. He shrugged, but at least he considered it.

    As of now, he wants help. That changes often, though so we will see what happens when his appointment day arrives.

    I really think if ex would not engage, he could find his way. Maybe.

    He values his relationship with me. I value my relationship with him. And, I am learning to not engage and I think that could help a lot.

    I am not opposed to detaching if things don't change drastically. He has an evaluation appointment in 4 days. He has an upcoming therapy appointment. I am looking to get him into DBT. HOWEVER, his symptoms are real and I want to at least point him in the right direction. Should he choose to continue his rants and abuse, I will have to be strong and remove him.
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I very much value my relationship with my son and he is the most dependent on me although he is almost 40!

    But i have boundaries. He can have a relationship with me, but abusing me can not be part of our relatuonship. I will not talk to him for several days if he is even a little abusive. I give an inch he will take a mile. Since he knows I am serious about the consequences, he almost never abuses me now.

    For me, it is easier because he lives two statrs away and is stuck there due to his child, whom he loves very much.

    I talk to son almost every day but almost never see him. His unwillingness to drive to meet me halfway and my.limlited ability to get good transportation there keep us physically apart. I consider this a good thing. He could never live with me. The last time my ex visited him, our son got right in his face and scared frail 70 year old ex. Seriously, i am not frail but dont need that. I remember when he did that to me in his 20s...those days are over. He is mean when he is angry. He has even shoved my ex. No thanks.

    I see my three other kids a lot. None of them would ever act like that.

    I feel we need to stay safe. I hope you do!
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  13. Blighty

    Blighty Member

    He speaks to you; that is something. Yes you deserve better of course. But we are not necessarily dealing with logical individuals here, so please don't beat yourself up or think its all your fault. It's not !
    My son does not speak to me. He is hard to get hold of by anybody. It just reminds him of the mistakes he has made I think. Being on computer and isolated has really affected him. You can't deal with someone who wants to stay in denial.
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    No apologies there is no right or wrong way to deal with these issues we face with or D.C. We do what we can manage to do and move on. I get coauthor up in engaging way too much with my son. I am just learning how not to. He Gaslights me by telling em. I don't care about him and he has always been left alone to deal with his own issues. BS. He had a good life was an only child and need to get on with it or get out. Since I confronted him after the last break up with his on again off again broken girlfriend by saying: those of us who truly suffer from depression and thoughts of suicide really resent your claims that your going to kill yourself every time you don't get your own way. So don't say it or go get the help you need like the rest of us do and just get on with your life. He has never said he is going to kill himslef again. I ignore his acting out and walk away from him.